*Click pictures for enlargement*

I Don't Kiss Ass

Most everyone knows that. Whether it be in an online world or the real world, this girl doesn't kiss anyone's ass. Not to say that I pretend to be high and mighty because I don't. I'm not a fan girl whatsoever.

Even in my reviews on Appearance Mode I always give special attention to things I don't like or just downfalls to things, but there are always upsides to stuff. This entire post is ode to downfalls and just flaws that could easily be fixed - but haven't been. And maybe by the end if I feel relieved to get all this aired I will start listing off a few pluses ^^

I fell victim to over-photoshopped ads, and lighting shadows and now have a serious case of buyer's remorse. Let me explain:

Where it all Began

For months now I have been on the prowl for a neko skin that isn't overrun with spots or stripes which make me look like either an emo cutter or have full body herpes, and that was mostly purple or at least had a lot of purple therein (Sorry but purple is my 'thing' - always has been).

When it comes to skins of any kind I don't mind dropping some decent cash because hey - you get what you pay for, right? Cheap skins almost always have huge flaws or just aren't as detailed or as good looking as that [ND] skin that costs twice as much. Now there are times where products are just overpriced - but as a consumer its your duty to know the difference between quality and stupidity. I have faith!

At any rate - I searched and searched for neko skins. Helyanwe's place had advertised them, but I didn't find them. I swear I looked allll over - but I just didn't see any neko skins. I could have gotten a little ADD but seriously I saw nothing that could constitute as anything other than just a 'skin'. As much as I've always liked Helyanwe's stuff (ever since I had that huge corkscrew hair that could put an eye out) I didn't want a normal skin. Neko neko neko!

I had remembered a little shop where I had once bought piercings that I used to mod my Anisa neko ears and remembered that they had skins. The name? Hybrid Street. For a moment I even remembered seeing neko skins .. but I tried to contain my excitement until I got there. Finally after all this time .. I stood to be a proud purple neko.

Arrival

I was bombarded by half nekos. The ones that wanted a "Josie and the Pussycats" headband but didn't want to go all out. The ones with the schoolgirl outfits that looked like they were straight out of Cool Devices (Yeah shut up I know what hentai is - not to mention plenty of other things <.<) or sommat.

Anyway - the skin wall is slightly hidden but I found it after I made my way around the soon to be nekos hovering around the 'everything you'll ever need to be a horse/bunny/mouse/kitty' I got to the skin wall and was absolutely floored to see a skin with nice spots that I could modify to make them purple. Could this really be true? As a longtime shopper I bought a demo for 1L. I stripped down naked in the store (save for my boots) and began to analyze. Days of avatar modesty are long gone when it comes to skin shopping, damn it.

So I'm checking out the demo and the only downfall I saw was the huge lips. I'm talking Naomi Campbell after botox sized lips. Meh not a huge deal I could alter my shape a little if I really wanted to skin. Then I made the sim time noon so I could have full light and look the skin over. Everything seemed to check out. I checked the tit shading to be sure it didn't look like I had put my boobs in a big suction hose. I checked the ass shading to be sure it didn't look like I had forgotten to wipe. I didn't check the cooch cuz I really don't care if my skin has bits or not. Boob shading is important because of tank tops - twats are never important to me.

When I was inspecting the back I saw seams on the arms. I thought "Is this just a 'demo' thing?" because often demons are just to give you an idea - they aren't exact replicas. I checked the ad to be sure that it was just a rez flaw or a demo bug. Here's the ad:

Hrm no arm flaws in the add. So I dumped my 950L into the skin. I put it on in the store while wearing a short sleeved 'untucked' shirt from Form, jeans, and some long messy hair. Like every girl I change clothes on a whim and did the same on this day, and to my horror.

Euphoria Comes Crashing Down

There are so many flaws with this skin. At first I thought "Oh its just me" or "Its just my computer" until Bebop looked at me on his computer. I peered over at the screen and simply said "Fuck. Me." I just wasted 950L (which is only like $4USD) on this item that I will never wear again.

Me wasting 4 bucks doesn't bother me. Its the fact that there are tons of people who go to that shop every day and waste 4 bucks - which adds up! So this designer is making at least something off their leet ad photoshopping. Here are the flaws on the skin:

Ring Around the Collar

There is a very crisp, very clear line around the neck/throat of the skin. In the add you'll see she wears a collar. This flaw was not apparent on the demo skin nor in the ad. The face is a totally different color from the chest. Just lookit that line!

Worse than pit stains

Down the backs of the arms there is a very clean seam that shows where the patterns almost match up ... but not quite. Granted I am not a skin maker - but most, nah I'll say 95% of the good skin makers have seamless skins. There are a few old skins that have a seam or two - or some bad shading. The lines on this thing are so noticeable I can't believe the person who made them could even stand it.

.... Running Down your Mom's Thigh

I don't remember exactly how that little insult went but that's how it ended. At any rate - there are these white .. things .. running down both legs from cooch to ankle on this skin. Not to mention on the outside of the legs is just a blank line (that goes for the torso too) that leads all the way down where seam work and matching was severely lacking.

Pants Too Tight, Fatty?

I realize that I don't have a toothpick for an avatar. But ya know no matter how tight I put that pants slider - she never has to suck in to get into any kind of jeans. Well going by this skin you'd think I walked around in pants that I had to lay on the bed and use pliers to zip (I was a fat kid - I know how this goes in your teenage years) There's this gross line right across the tummy. Now wearing a full length shirt (one that goes all the way to the bottom of the template on the regular shirt layer) will over this flaw - as will wearing a shirt that goes on the jacket layer that goes all the way down .. but any of those little cutsie baby doll tees won't. Your fatty seam will show all the live long day. And its just as noticeable as all the others.

The Pluses

The tit shading is awesome - as well as the ass shading. The tummy work is great too except that ugly ass line! The nipples seem a bit on the 'inverted' side (you girls know what inverted nipples look like don't ya? With the dimple in the middle?) but even that is tolerable because the cleavage and underside shading is done so well.

The face itself is really really good - except those humongous ass lips. It literally grossed me out but like I said - if all those ugly things I pointed out were fixed .. I would have just altered my shape to compensate!

Some people may think I'm being too picky - but this really isn't as its advertised. It isn't my shape that's doing it as I found out by re-visiting the store.


You: Before you buy any of these hybrids .. be sure to pay special attention to the neck, backs of the arms, inner thigh, and the abdomen line beneath the bellybutton

You: Just looking out for others is all n.n

Shopper1: thank you Orchid

You: No problem. Made the mistake myself a few days ago

Shopper2: Yes I know about the pattern thing my best friend is a Furry lol

Shopper2 : he bitches about them all the time




If you decide you still want one of these skins - go for it but I've done what I felt right by warning folks that what they see isn't necessarily what they get. There are lots of other awesome stuff in this store (Hybrid Street, Gnoma (6, 188, 46)- just steer clear of the skins is all.

You Really Think You'd Get Away with That?!

So lately it seems that whole 'ageplay' thing is really starting to be a controversy. I'd say it is a problem but some don't feel it is. Alright please explain this to me? Wait let me try first, ok?

"We are consenting adults engaging in activity which we find entertaining/artful"
My answer: Are you really adults? Do you know the other person in real life and not over a microphone. I'm talking actually shaken hands.

"This is an imaginary activity which isn't harmful as it isn't really happening"
My Answer: There's absolutely nothing wrong about fantasizing. Even fantasizing about something illegal but you are ACTING on that fantasy and therefore portraying an illegal and immoral act (even 3rd world countries frown upon child prostitution)

The Backseat

I've sat back for quite a while on this issue while it ran rampant on other blogs and sims and was in my face a few times at clubs even. Seriously - even if you've never molested a child but have child pornography on your computer/walls/a magazine in your bathroom drawer - it is still illegal and punishable by law. Even if you've never acted on that fantasy (and doing such things in SL would be considered action) it is still illegal.

Here is just a wonderful way to keep yourself out of trouble, drama, handcuffs, controversy:

• If you have to stop and ask yourself if you will hurt anyone - don't do it.
• If you feel bad after you did it - it was wrong.
• Before you do anything ask yourself "Self, is this illegal in any country?" -- if Yes STOP
• And as far as video games go (MMO, RPG, MMORPG, Simulator etc) just ask:

--- Would I do this in real life and it be deemed acceptable by the general public?--- If the answer is "No" fucking STOP! God damn it isn't hard!

I think if people actually used some common sense and a little restraint everything would be fine. Running around in a kid shape pulling people's hair is fine. Its a little creepy - but fine. Running around in a kid shape hoping to score isn't. Nor is running around as an adult hoping to score a wee one.

You know what they do to child molesters in jail, don't you? Knock it off! For fuck's sake!

"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

Jack Nickelson as The Joker once said that about Michael Keaton as Batman. As soon as I saw this thing .. that's immediately what I said. Out loud, no less. (its true I tend to talk out loud and make Bebop look at me and go "wtf?")

Bebop and I have a lot of really great creative friends. We also film a lot even though we rarely let most that footage see the light of day ^^; As many know my head gears (as small as they are) grind continuously with ideas for stuff. Yea that's the best way to describe it - stuff.

For the past year or so Bebop and I have been developing a character for a series which I won't name right now (and no its not cuz I don't have a name for it yet - GOSH) and have been filming. Our filming has picked up a whole lot lately due to our surroundings. We've recently had more leisure time in SL and have rekindled old friendships which have lead to new ones which makes for very fun times. I'm totally off topic.

We've been working on episodes for this series - and there is this badass thing that our main character uses. Its called a "Boomlash" and its simply the greatest thing I've probably ever played with in SL. WARNING: If you have a crappy graphics card or you lag - don't even bother because such things are really just a disgrace to this genious toy!

I started out taking pictures of it - then quickly said "Pft pictures don't do this thing justice - I must film!" So I did. I filmed me throwing the Boomlash - different angles to show you the intricate details - and just to show off the fun animations.

Mind you this thing isn't 'cheap'. If you want a Boomlash you're going to be dropping 2,000L - but seriously I've spent more on lesser things. It comes with a very detailed notecard to tell you how to use it - and its just damned entertaining and one of the best looking, best scripted, well thought out, flat out FUN things I've found in SL.

It does hit people and will knock them back about a meter or two - so it isn't a real 'weapon'. The fun part about the Boomlash is when you throw it at like .. the side of a building it STICKS and you can jump up on it and use it like a climbing thing. I know, descriptive right?

So without further adieu - here is the short video showcasing the Boomlash made by the very talented Anisa Naumova of Curious Relics.

Mean Girls Guide to SL

Huzzah! JellyBean decided to feature my blog as the 'blog to watch' .. at least for the week! I'm sure it was weird to have such a non descriptive descritpion. I know, I'm handful.

The Good - The Bad - The STFU

In WoW I belong to a guild, which is normal isn't it? We are a small guild in a RP server which means we run instances and do quests. No fun Durotar raids or anything like that for the most part (though I do pick fights with guards outside little towns and outposts just to start shit).

Anyway - so this guild of like 15 people max (even though nearly all of us are 70s) had a meeting. I was told this ventrillo guild meeting was 'mandatory' and that I had to attend. This being right after they made some stupid website through Guild Portals which I was told I had to sign up on. Alright I signed up on your stupid ass site that just tells me things that I could know if I logged into vent being as there are only 5ish of us that use Vent regularly. I even had to make a dumbass username (PooPooWagon) just to USE this site that I haven't even visited since I have made that account. Now you're going to tell me that I HAVE to attend this stupid meeting? Take a flying leap, alright?

For one, I'm a little bit opposition defiant and when anyone tells me that I have to do something I'm almost always inclined to just not do it at all - just to show you or anyone else just how little I actually have to do it. Two - I pay every month to play this game. Ok well I don't pay for it Keith does - but still that's my pop money! And when you take my pop money .. and start making demands of me .. I start debating which makes me happier .. pop or WoW. And sadly sometimes its just pop. In a game which I pay to play - I like to have fun. I like to not be bossed around by a bunch of 40somethings that think being the leader of a guild somehow gives them power over peoples' personal lives. Maybe it would be different if we were raiding Karazan or something .. which we aren't because only two people have the attunement and are too stuck on themselves to help the rest of us finish the last part ... whatever Anonymous WoW Guild - this warlock has other things to do betches!

Trip Hop is your Friend

For whatever reason I got a wild hair and decided to go to a few clubs in SL. Nothing has changed in the year or more that I've stayed away from the club scene. The same color events or attempts at getting people naked still happen. Let me sum up the entire club event list for you:
Best Ass
Back in (Insert goth color here ie: Red Black or leather though it isn't a color)
Devils and Angels
Naughty Schoolgirls


And ya know - the DJs are all the same too. They all play the same music as if they are all the same person or at least grabbing shit from the same torrent. I knew it was a bad idea to tell people the title of that song two years ago. Consider this my public apology because even I, after all this time, cannot stomach to hear that fucking Josie Nunez song one more time. I realize that many people believe this to be a new hip song but it isn't. That song is NOT awesome, people! It wasn't even that great two years ago when it was lilke 3 years old! And if I hear Pink - Oh My God one more time I will choke a bitch. What is wrong with people?!

I used to DJ in Second Life but stopped after I was told I had to stop playing what I like and take requests. Normally I wouldn't care if everyone else had at least tolerable taste. I don't mind entertaining people .. but ya know I have to listen to that music too. Oh and Respect by Pantera isn't a new song either - even though people treat it like it is. Pft people that song was out when I was like 10 at least if not younger I swear.

And playing music through SAM doesn't constitute as a live DJ. Any monkey can do that. Also? I get sick of the 'howls' at clubs. Come up with a new gesture to use - same goes for that 'Yeeehaww' shit. I won't even go there - but I've had my fill of rednecks IRL for the rest of my RL thanks. And I'm talking HeeHaw shit people! /rant

Blog Censorship

I love the fact that Six invited me to write for Appearance Mode way back when. She and I have been friends since we were both pretty much noobs - and she's grown to at least tolerate my opinions and views on things. The problem is: I have to censor myself on her blog. She says not to outright bash anyone - which I don't do even here on my personal blog (except that whole guild thing up there ^^) And here's a part that I'll just call:

What I'd Really Like to Say

Dear Blogger,

Your posts are too long winded and never have anything that I personally want to read or check out - and have probably already bought a year ago - or would just never buy. I feel your fashion opinion is biased to a small group of your designer friends or people who are paying you off with h0r skirts and bad hair.

I don't enjoy reading your posts because its always the same name drops and generic products that I'm never interested. I actually try to scroll past your posts to see if anyone else has posted anything. Most times they haven't so I do have to congratulate you on carrying the weight of the whole blog on your own shoulders - I could never do that.

I will say though - if no one else will stand up and out post you - I will. I will make sure that my daily post contains things wich go outside your tiny box of your idea of fashion and barbie-mindedness will be matched against my smart mouth, fast wit, feminism, and overall hate for that which is the 'norm'.

Consider this a call to arms.

Sincerely-

The Non Ass Kissing Blogger

Ask and you shall receive

A few weeks ago I did a search for things that centered around coffee shops. I searched for java, cafe, coffee house, coffee shop and things of that nature and all my searches were fruitless. I am a huge coffee fan IRL and I'm always a lover of detailed builds. Well evidently those two things didn't go hand in hand.

The places I visited were coffee campers. They sat at low prim white tables with these mugs of coffee in silence. It wasn't so much the silence that bothered me. It wasn't even the one prim table with a blank texture and being surrounded by new residents! It was the fact that this was definitely not a coffee house. The best way I could describe it would be .... a roadside rest area near a trailer park.

Yesterday was a shopping day for me. I had a few hundred lindens stuck back for a rainy day and suddenly remembered how rare rain was in Second Life. Not only that I was just really bored. Shopping is the smoking of Second Life I swear. Think about it ... is it an addiction or a habit .. or both!? (insert dramatic music here)

The Block. Yes I do love this place. I don't only love it for its shops because let's face it they have the best designers all in one sim ... but I love the detailed builds. There is nothing in that sim that isn't well textured. Call me easily amused - but I could walk around that place for hours. I'm not a mall fan because its just too much in my face. Too many sprawled out non purportional avatars wearing the same corset and thigh highs in 98234987 colors ... its just too much.

I like to look at other things other than what I'm buying. I'm an ethereal person. I like to feel my surroundings while just looking at them - and maybe this is why I feel such a need to just 'chill' at times in Second Life. From now on all my chilling will be done at The Block.

When I arrived I walked around as per the usual and saw a few new shops preparing to go in .. cool I can dig that. I rounded the corner and saw a flag -was that .... was that a picture of a tiny coffee cup?! It was!

In my excitement I flew (yes FLEW) the rest of the way over and I just had to stand there at the door. A coffee house. A real, well built, well textured, excellently placed (even though empty) coffee house! Of course you know, I ran in.

I was so excited that I didn't know who to IM. Would anyone else even care that I suddenly satisfied my psyche with this discovery? Probably not - but I was just .. well .. relieved to find such a place. So I found the builder and send him an IM and just thanking him for the great build.

The coffee house which is named Caffeine - is my newest Easter Egg. Off in a back corner of the sim - I'm sure few really notice it. I've been moving myself from chair to chair - and the whole inside just has a nice flow to it. There are not 'weird' spots in the joint. You know how sometimes you sit down and there's nothing but wall in your camera view? I have yet to find a spot that does that.

I'm haven't really counted - but there are plenty of seats in this place for at least 15 people (if not more because as I said .. I didn't count) and its almost a shame to see it so empty. In a setting like this I could easily see myself mentoring a new resident because there's nothing hectic going on to make me feel like I have to rush. Once again appealing to my aesthetic personality.

And ya know what else? Not only is just the build itself nice to look at ... but they've also got cake. And who doesn't like cake?

Protect it Like You Own It!

And they do! I see it more and more these days in Second Life. There are free things everywhere. I know this as I've been around almost 3 years. Some people prefer to give out things for free because hey - sharing is instilled in most of us at a very young age.

For a long time now people have been re-marketing the free stuff in order to turn a profit. For what means who knows, but they do it. I totally do NOT agree with that at all - but at the same time there's an argument of "Well I acquired it so isn't it up to me whether I want to give it away for free or re-sell it?" I think of all the stuff I've bought over the years .. all the crappy clothes from high priced stores that I've turned around and sold at yard sales (I'm talking RealLife here) .. did Abercrombie intend for me to sell that $40 sweater for $3? Probably not but what can they do? They made their money already. But that's the difference .. the stuff I'm talkin about is F-R-E-E to begin with.

There are things in Second Life that enhance things. Textures, scripts, humungous blocks that you can't even make anymore but were exploited in 03 due to a bug .... at any rate ... should these free things still be free? Or should they be shut into their creations merely because the person who used these free things want you to not take their exact copy of an exact copy which they got for free anyway? Its just a never ending circle.

If you got it for free - you should give it for free. That's what's fair and right. If you paid for it - sell it .. but don't expect a profit because let's face it: Things in Second Life progress quickly so used items just a few weeks old could be outdated. Don't try to turn a profit on an outfit/hair you bought 3 years ago from a designer that no longer sells their things.

And new residents: Don't expect to not have to buy lindens. You come in with nothing and that's what you'll have until you either buck up and learn to market something .. or you start peeling off clothes. If you want to be a beggar that's fine - but remember - beggers are homeless for a reason usually ;) It isn't rocket science for the most part.

Machinima Teaching

I am not naming any names - but I am taking this all in a whole. I do not mind at ALL to help someone learn anything about machinima or anything else I know about if they share a genuine interest. If you're just asking me questions to turn around and just ask me (this goes for Keith too) to turn around and do the work for you and pass it back so you can slap your name on it -- forget about it. Its not going to happen. That's like walking up to Grim Misfit and saying "Yeah dude check out this awesome idea I have! What you do is .. I tell you what to build .. you build it .. give it to me full perms then I sell it and split the profit! That's badass, isn't it?!" Fuck no, it isn't.

Machinima is really starting to take off in SL compared to the two and a half years ago when Keith and I started filming - and I'm really glad to see that! Its awesome to see people who want to do things with this 'medium'. Making a film costs a lot of money - even if you just film little home videos in Real Life you have to buy a camcorder (which can get pricey) But in this virtual forum its free (as long as you use trials of things - it can get expensive if you buy full registered versions as Keith and I have learned).

Seriously though - I will sit and help anyone out that's willing to learn. There are some things, however I feel should be learned on their own. Everyone has their own artistic eye so I never tell angles and stuff - but I don't mind holding a hand or two for those that really lack any kind of vision for it. I can't count the times I've sat and talked to people and told them step by step how to do things - then a few days later they're all on their own like big boys and girls. No leashes and no arm floaties (JellyBean is the first one that comes to mind.)

Everyone has to learn a little something from somewhere - so no question is a bad question because I'm sure I sat and asked someone the same thing at some point. Really though - I'd never ask a designer step by step how they made a certain shirt .. and I just expect the same kind of artistic amnesty, I guess. There are lots of effects achieved a lot of different ways - and there are some things that I just call "film magic" and leave it as that -- and that's just because if everyone filmed and edited like Keith and I did then they'd have no need to have us film and edit anything to begin with because there were 40 million others that could do the same thing. You understand, right? /rant

England

The British Consulate hates me. They've jacked up the prices of a visa from $120 to $430. Yeah huge inflation. At any rate Keith was able to push back our date of departure until the 21st in hopes that my Visa comes back in time so that I can leave with him. Hopefully I can - but there's never any guarantee with anything as far as the military is concerned .. and especially when you're dealing with things out of the country. It'll at work out - but I am quite high strung over it and I just want it all to be over with already! RawR!

Song of the Day

Trigger Hippy by Morcheeba

Tune in, drop out of love,
Pull the trigger, I'm a hippie,
So said a truth, and blood,
Alive and well,
You push the buttons.

Standing in line of fire,
For the whole,
My soul,
Step codes,
The drums,
And sing,
Love the children,
Learn to live with everything.

Love love love, i'm a trigger hippie, yeah
Love love love, we're trigger hippies, yeah.

Zoom in, cut out at sound,
Make it feel so trippy
Hung up, let down to ground,
Forget the kill it's far to sticky

Love love love, i'm a trigger hippie, yeah
Love love love, we're trigger hippies, yeah.

Love love love, i'm a trigger hippie, yeah
Love love love, we're trigger hippies, yeah.

Love love love, i'm a trigger hippie, yeah
Love love love, we're trigger hippies, yeah.

Jive Talkin'

Alright. So I was hanging out with Xaria on the backend of the island. She was busy building on a new 'chill' area when I saw dots on the minimap. Yeah I'm quite the nosey bugger so I turned off my camera constraints and panned over. OMGWTFBBQ. Holy Whores Batman. Mind you, this is a PG sim now - and there are these three .. ladies (and I use that term loosely) shopping in our friend Dnel's store.

Now whatever kinks, fetishes, lies, secrets, inbreeding you've done -want to do- or currently doing is fine with me. But really? I'd appreciate not having it rammed down my throat in public. I have absolutely nothing against lesbians, transgender or anything -- until its in my face. That might 'sound' a bit hipocritical but it isn't.

I don't fondle my husband in public. I don't even kiss him in public. I don't talk about my political points of view - or my opinions of religion. I don't wear things that I think others would find offensive on a personal level EVER. Not even in SL.

Alright so I didn't really find all this offensive - but I did find it highly unnecessary. Not to mention that as ADULTS it was decided to make the sim PG to cut down on rediculous behavior. But I'm afraid that in some place someone would have. Me? I found it hilarious. So funny in fact I took a picture! These girls .. well... the picture will speak for itself:

In Other News

Well there really isn't any other news, really. I ran about SL looking at coloful sparkly things. I was going to play WoW but my head hurt so I opted not to. Keith and I hung out with Jade Opel last night on her new islands and its simply amazing. It was really pretty and it was fun to just hang out and be candid.

Me at Gypsy Moon

Pr0n

I also got a wild hair and sent an IM to Marilyn Murphy. I hopped over to the Herald and took a peek at some of her Post 6 Grrls. Now is it just me or do they all look the same? Same features, rather similar hair/clothes etc? Anyway - they all seemed the same to me so I shot her an IM and said "Hey I'm different and I'll show my pixel poon just to break the monotony". Ok that isn't an exact quote from the IM but you get my drift.

All those girls seem to be tan, long hair, and very very slender. That's fine, I guess but where's the variety? This kind of 'woman' isn't all that SL has - but it seems its such a cornered market. They even had a pageant for a Post 6 Grrl. I would never EVER even get a second glance in a pageant like that I'd betcha. Why? Because I'd be that 'weird' one that stuck out.

So yeah I contacted Marilyn. Normally I'm against the whole avatar nudity thing - but damn that column needs some spice from the purple isle if ya ask me! Imagine the comments a naked purple av will get. None too nice I'd imagine, but hey I'm not doing it for an esteem booster. I'm just doing it to throw a wrench in things.Me STILL at Gypsy Moon

Well I guess that's all for now. I have a dental appointment tomorrow morning to finish up exams so I can leave the country. Hopefully I won't need anything else and my visa will come in soon! *crosses fingers*

Just Random Tidbits

This post is just going to be bits and pieces of things as I think of them. No real subject matter already laid out or anything.

May 18th

That is the date in which Keith and I are expected to leave and move to England. Tomorrow is May 1st and I'm starting to get jittery. What if my visa doesn't come in on time? What if he has to leave without me? I'm sure everything will be fine, but it still weighs on me. I realize that there are women who live without their husbands and can handle that, but I'm not sure I can. I guess our story is a bit more 'odd' than most. I spent two years living without him, only to be with him for 7 months - only to go with the possibility of being away from him again?! That's just too much.

Videos

Keith has been compiling lots of WoW (World of Warcraft) footage and plans to make a huge video soon. He's already been very picky about the soundtrack so I've had to dive deep into my musicbox (aka harddrive) to find him a song which he will find suitable. So far, no luck. I did find a Prodigy v Faithless mix that he might settle for. We'll see. Oh and there were a couple Propellerheads tracks that he dug. Are they editing quality? I'm not sure.

Its hard for me to pick music for him like this when I haven't seen not even a sliver of the footage he's recorded. I realize that by sitting literally two feet away that I should know what he's shot - but I don't. I know the kids of things that I would record, but he and I have totally different artistic and cinematic eyes so I really can't speculate.

All my video work is still on hold until we get to England. I don't want to get involved in a project only to have to ditch it in a few weeks. Sure I could film and edit something within the same day - but I've really got lots and lots of ideas and I'd like to execute everything to the highest possible quality I can. But yeah ... once we're across the pond I'll work on it more.

Work & Home

I really think the issue of me not working is bothering Keith. In fact, I think he's a little jealous in some ways. He's made remarks that hurt my feelings a bit - but I'm sure he wasn't thinking when he said them. He goes to work 5 sometimes 7 days a week. This 'video stuff' is merely a hobby for him and therefore he doesn't see it as work. I understand that. Bah this is going to turn into a rant and I don't want that.

Second Life

Not a whole lot as far as SL is concerned. I mostly pop in to chat with friends and see if there are any cool locations built that I haven't seen yet. I haven't really put much time into it seeing how no one is wanting their weddings filmed and whatnot - therefore I spend my time reading, doing dorky dances, and researching the area we'll be living in once we move to England.

I think that's all.

Oh I bought a new skin. I've decided to go back to wearing my fun colored skins because I've missed them. I don't care who's wearing what ... I love wearing a purple skin. I had one as a noob .. then there was the Passport skins .. then the Hayley skins .. and now I'm back to my purple roots! :D

Cheers

Song of the Day

There are no Cafes in Second Life

For hours I trapsed around in search of a good looking cafe in Second Life. There was once a cafe on Tya Fallingbridge's sim that I used to absolutely love but it is no more. After seeing it was under construction I lept over to Lost and Amby's because I remember hanging out at a positively posh cafe on their sim also. Alas, it too was no more.

Why? Why are there no casual semi quiet hang out spots on Second Life? I'm not talking about a cardboad box in the middle of a shopping mall sim. I'm talking about Barnesworth, Nylon, Toast, Makaio or Cory quality friggin cafe!

Maybe I'm simply asking too much from builders and content creators inside Second Life. Again, a simple hang out doesn't bring them business for the most part. I understand that completely, really I do. But as both an ambiance driven writer, and as a maker of machinima within SL I find it really difficult to find things I want to look at or be in for long periods of time.

After hours of searching, my persistance paid off. I found one tiny cafe in a sim I've never heard of and sat down to write all this. Thank you to Kewl Beans Cafe, for being so unique. Many many thanks for providing a relaxing environment that's of such high quality. I can't get enough of this place.

Hangout

So upon arrival I found a few spots that suited my ocular pleasure as I opened some frequented blog pages and settled in with a cup of hot spearmint tea. I read about JellyBean's day, read a few lines of Perez Hilton's vile rubbish (I do find the captions entertaining at times), then checked my e-mail. Funny how some trash celeb e-zine comes before my own email, but it did. I hung out alone in a virtual world while being invited to enter one of mine and Keith's videos into a machinima contest. Do not think this is sad, because I rather enjoy being alone for the most part. When I want some form of company or companionship I ask for it.

Machinima

Once upon a time Keith and I used to make many many music video machinima shorts. There was no real point other than me hearing a song and wanting to get my 'spin' of it put to film for nothing more than to just see it.

He's no longer interested in producing videos like this. Let me reiterate: I do not remake existing music videos. I don't watch an artist's music video and recreate it. Instead, I listen to a song over and over and listen to the lyrics. Its not often that lyrics are literal. Most of the time they're quite cryptic and mean something other than what they say. With a poet's ear I listen and take every thought and emotion I have that relates to the song and I write it down. Ugh I've gotten off point ...

I plan to start making those music videos again. If I have to do it alone with no extras I will. I've taught myself so much as far as filming and editing go that I feel I should do some, if for nothing else to say to my husband "See. I can do this without you and it is marvelous." Though now isn't the best time for me to commit myself to such projects, I will have time to do so soon.

England

Keith has gotten his orders and we leave May 18th for England. My visa still hasn't come in, but we were told that we have plenty of time so that I can leave with him and not have to stay behind. We're both very excited, but we also know that its going to be very intimidating and quite hectic. How often is it that someone packs up everything they own without being with their belongings while they move? I think that scares me most. Putting all our things into boxes and arriving with nothing but our suitcases in hopes that our boxes show up within a day or so of our arrival. Maybe I think too much.

Music

While Keith and I were visiting my family I had said that I would take all our pictures, make a slideshow, and set it to music. My mother instantly insisted I use all these modern 'pop' songs and I cringed. My 44 year old mother wants me to put pictures to the music of Eminem, Pink, and Akon? I didn't even know who Akon was until we got back home and I loaded up imeem. I thought "Surely she can't be serious" but she is. Somehow my mother has digressed into listening to music that most teenagers listen to. I found it odd, but who am I to judge? Once upon a time my parents made fun of me for listening to The Cranberries, Garbage, Moloko ... and suddenly I found myself on the verge of laughter. She calls that music?

Instead I've decided that one day soon I need to sit down and make her a CD with one song from each of my favorite artists. I'm sure it won't be something she'll listen to in the car on her way to Forever 21 - but maybe she can learn that there is more than just Modern Pop and Bob Seager out there (those are the only two things she listens to). She's always had an open mind and been a bit of a free spirit, but at the same time she's always been so sheltered.

She's never been exposed to anything outside the state of Missouri, or even outside of the US for that matter, and I find that tragic. She's never tried sushi or sake. Never have I seen her wear anything other than 'acceptable fashion'. Its like she's in this shell that doesn't fit. My trip to the UK for the next 3 years is very much going to involve me indirectly exposing her to things. Maybe then she'll have my father book a trip to somewhere they've never been.

Possible Book

I've actually had a few ideas lately on a book I'd like to start writing. Again, the only drawback is the fact that Keith and I will be leaving soon. That means I can't work on it exclusively, which I'd positively love to do. Again, this is one of those things that will have to wait until we are in England and things are sorted. I'm sure I'll find plenty of coffee shops and cafes in Cambridge or even London to sit in and write the day away.

Friends

I came to a realization earlier that along with this move - once we are there I will have to make friends. I didn't bother while we were here in Oklahoma because if I wanted to go anywhere it isn't as if I can't find my way back and whatnot. But I realized in England, even though I'm going to be living there for three years, things are going to be quite different. I will be in a new place that I'll most surely want to explore, but there's no fun in doing that alone.

Yes of course Keith and I will go to London and such on weekends when he's not at work - but what about other times? What if I want to go shopping? It would be rather nice to have girlfriends to do things like that with. For most my life I had the same girlfriend, Stefanie. She and I did everything together whenever the other had the urge to do something. Even grocery shopping. Here in Oklahoma I haven't really missed that because I've got Keith - and I've lost interest in simply 'hanging out' since I left home.

My hanging out is done when Keith comes home. We talk about what we did while away from the other one, we cuddle up after dinner and sometimes smoke hookah or just drink tea together ... and as completely dreamily wonderful that is there are times that I'd like to leave a note saying "Darling - Went out with the girls for drinks and will be home around 11pm. Love, Me."

At any rate -- life is simply great and I couldn't be happier (I say that quite a bit I know). I didn't even think of putting up a Song of the Day today - so that will come later or tomorrow when it crosses my mind again. For now: Pictures of my outing to Kewl Beans Cafe in Second Life

Weeee

Stef and I ran around SL some more the other day. Unfortunately I didn't blog about it when it all happened :(

So I'm unable to really caption these pics ... but so what?!

Alright so correction: Blogger is being a twat waffle and I can't upload any of the pics. RawR!1!!1

JellyBean got me playing Audition. OMFG. I beta tested Maple Story back in like ... 2002 (roughly) and thought it was just adorable. Well Audition is from the makers of Maple Story (which is STILL free to play btw) which makes it just as cute!

I filmed and edited a wedding Saturday. Keith also filmed and edited a wedding Saturday. Huzzah!

omfg I haven't even listened to any music besides the stuff in Audition LOL! So now I'm clueless as to what to make as the song of the day. Nah I got one!



In the Shadows by The Rasmus

No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the shadows

In the shadows

They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher

I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows

In the shadows

In the shadows
I've been waiting

Girls just wanna have fun

So tonight I played around in SL a bit with my friend Stef (aka Xaria). First we ran around everywhere looking for torn fishnets. We found normal thigh highs, torn thigh highs, striped thigh highs, torn striped thigh highs .. but no torn thigh high fishnets!

We gave up and decided to just go dorky dance shopping.

We were a success.

Yeah yeah Sine Wave has the newest 'big thing' out - but seriously their dances just aren't me. They all look like jerky cheer leader moves. BUT: they do have one dance I like and that was spun sugar. That's the only dance there that actually feels like a dance and not a squad move o' doom.

Xaria and I hit up our favorite random dance animation place .... ummm I can't remember the name of it right NOW but Christiano Midnight made some good money off us tonight. OMFG some of the most hilarious shit! I say it all the time: I'm not in SL to live an alternate life. I'm there to have fun. Therefore I do not spend tons of lindens to make my avatar look like some heroine chic model. I do not buy dances just to move more appealingly. Everything I do in SL has an entertainment value for me.

I stuck a prim cigarette in my mouth and ran around with a flyswatter tonight. Why? Why the hell not?! I'd whack random people with my flyswat and have a good dork laugh about it. Then we rezed huge Aqua Net hairspray cans and danced around with our dork dances. It was great.

We're in Ur Second Life
Havin Ur Fun

Upcoming Projects

Alright so Keith has a wedding to film Saturday and I have one to film as well. I'm so so glad to be busy again! Don't get me wrong, the vacation was sooo awesome, but what did I accomplish while gone? Nothing. :( That makes everything seem like such a waste.

I have been planning to shoot a roller derby type music vid for over a month now - and I still plan to do it! Of course things are pushed back a bit due to contracted work .... but that's alright. It will get done when I get time enough to do it.

My biggest fear with these independent things I've been doing is that I'm going to bite off more than I can chew. I have this bad habbit of getting an idea in my head ... and I want it just how I imagined it, but I tend to forget that I lack the technical knowledge to make it identical to my vision. This leads to frustration, aggrivation, and in the long run I totally give up and scrap the whole thing. But I'm going to really really try to not do that.

Self Image

A while back I had posted on how my self esteem had gone down the toilet for various reasons. Well .. it isn't doing much better but now that we're back at home I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had opportunity to really focus on it for it to bother me. Yeah I saw a few celeb pics that made me whimper ... but I'm really not going to fuss with it. I mean seriously ... as far as celebs go they all but get paid to look the way they do. And me? Pft I let my personality do my talking usually. Well that and my totally inability to match. That seems to draw some attention too sometimes.

At any rate I'll just say that I'm over it and be done with it. When I'm feeling a little more aggressive and motivated I'll do something about my self image. But for now? For now I'm going to stay busy with staying busy and feel like I'm worth something instead of staying preoccupied with how I look.

Another thing ... I saw the lead singer of one of my fav bands earlier and was totally blown away. She's a big girl! And she's pretty! Kinda made me puff my tits out a bit. ANYWAY!

Song of the Day

So now to expose you to the woman who made my day. Today's Song of the Day is brought to you by Gossip :)


Standing in the Way of Control by Gossip

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again and I'm not lying.

Oh-whoa-oh, oh-ooh,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa-ooh.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know.

I'm doing this for you,
Because it's easier to lose,
And it's hard to face the truth,
When you think you're dying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives, lives, lives.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh,
Hey, yay, hey, hey.

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.
It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Home again

Keith and I finally made our rounds and we're back at home. Not for long though. His port date is May 18th which is when we'll be heading to the UK. So just when we think we have a moment to breathe we have to suck it up and hit the road again.

I really missed home while we were away. I missed the jets most though. Yeah we were in a suburb of Chicago for a few weeks - so there were plenty of jets from O'Hare ... but commercial civillian jets just aren't the same! They're so ... mundane. There's no fun screaming jets that had older versions in movies *cough*TopGun*cough* and stuff. Its just fun to me! I can't help it!

Our Trip

So we were in Chicago from March 16th-April 1st. I met his family and for the most part everyone was very accepting. Of course his parents were shocked to hell at how forward I was .. but everything went fine. Although Keith and his brother had a bit too much to drink ... and his brother said "I can see it in her eyes. She's after your money."

Can anyone help me out here? I really don't understand how that's even possible. He's an E-3 ... so he's only two steps away from being the FURTHEST thing from even moderately comfortable. However, I am no stranger to having to cut corners to cut expenses ... so this is nothing to me. I think he got attraction confused with golddigging seeing has I'm sure his wife never looks at him that way. I can't help it that Keith got all the looks and his brother didn't. I just got lucky that way!

All in all I just want to send a big PISS OFF to Miles and Jen. And its just a coinsidence that we have the same name, don't flatter yourself by saying that Keith went to find a clone of you. Oh and lest we forget - I am almost 3 years older than you which would make YOU the clone, dear. Please get over yourself. Kthnx.

All in all - His parents are dolls. His mother is a bit naive .. but still that's totally understandable. My grandmother is the same way. But his brother, sister in law etc ... Next time I won't play the whole 'grin and bear it' role. I'll start putting pegs in their places. Yanno what I'm sayin'?

My Family

My family wasn't as rough. The only 'questionable' thing that was said was my mother said "Whoa he looks like a kid" right after we got there. But that's not a big deal. At least she didn't say "You're just using my daughter for her spirituality and her carefree attitude!" Cuz as we all know that's about my only assets (teehee)

I was upset though that my mom couldn't be asked to get up and give me a hug when I was leaving ... she just sat on the couch and pointed me in the direction of where some 'leftover' items were and said "Have fun. See ya". And I said "Yeah in like 3 years ..." and I just walked out.

Why do I bother? Why do I always get my hopes up thinking that I'll get some kind of emotion out of her? I always think that maybe she'll show some proof of being human .. but it never happens. Most parents would give their kid a huge hug and at least say "I love you" or something .. but not my mom. And after seeing how Keith's parents reacted to his leaving ... it really made me envious but at the same time I'm glad my parents aren't THAT involved otherwise I'd feel smothered. I dunno.

Song of the Day!

I was sitting here browsing imeem and found a song that I used to listen to a lot in highschool. I was the angry type chick with messy hair ... anyway this song really fits my closing and my overall mood right now.

Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham (she's a great musician so if you haven't heard anything of hers don't let this one song form your opinion!)

Mother mother how's the family?
I'm just calling to say hello.
How's the weather? how's my father?
Am I lonely? heavens no.
Mother mother are ya listening? just a phone call to ease your mind.
Life is perfect, never better, distance making the heart grow fond.

When you sent me off to see the world,
were you scared that I might get hurt?
Would I try a little tobacco,
would I keep on hiking up my skirt?

I'm hungry,
I'm dirty,
I'm losing my mind...
Everything's fine!

I'm freezing,
I'm Starving,
I'm Bleeding death...
Everything's fine!

Yeah, I'm working, making money, I'm just starting to build a name.
I can feel it, around the corner, I could make it any day.
Mother mother can you hear me, sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane.
Life is perfect, never better, still your daughter, still the same.

If I tell you what you want to hear,
will it help you to sleep well at night?
Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear,
now just cuddle up and sleep tight.

I'm hungry,
I'm dirty,
I'm losing my mind...
Everything's fine!

I'm freezing,
I'm starving,
I'm bleeding to death...
Everything's fine!

I miss you,
I love you.

Well the other post didn't work which had way more pics .... so I'll make a flickr account tonight and make one of them there fancy slide show things.

Have to hit the shower and go explore the city!

Had some time to myself and thought I'd just get a few of my thoughts down. Not for any real reason other than going back and reading over them when I had a few more moments to myself at another time.

Lately (the past couple weeks) I've felt a bit off. I'm not sure if its being here in Keith's hometown with him or not ... but I can definitely agree with it being my setting that's effecting my mood. Oh well enough of this I'm just going to get right to it otherwise I'll be sitting here all day.

I feel ugly. In a whole, ugly. I don't exactly know what's made me feel this way - but I have a few ideas. I've never felt so self conscious as I have the past few weeks. If I could wrap a parachute around myself and it hide all of my body I'd be perfectly happy with that.

Keith and I were in the city the other day - and there were lots of girls running around in what I have dubbed 'things I used to wear'. I was never a trend-setter. I was the thrift store shopper that piled on clothes into what my parents called The Bag Lady Look ... but evidently its popular here. ANYWAY. I felt strange seeing these girls around 25 (my age) wearing things I wore when I was 17. Of course Keith didn't know me then and simply saw it as cute and said "ya know you could totally still wear that stuff .. and besides its cute!" So we went to a thrift store and I was scared to death.

He kept walking off saying "You find your look .. I'm gonna walk around in this bright pink flamingo shirt and be awesome". I found all sorts of things that I would have happily worn 7 years ago .. but I couldn't force myself to even give them a second glance because all I thought of was how huge my tits are .. or how thick my waist is .. and I just couldn't do it.

I think Keith figured out something was up ... in the car he said 'You're beautiful' .. but even though I felt he meant it .. Its like I didn't really hear him say that. I heard the words come out of his mouth - but in my head I added stuff to it like: You're beautiful ... when no other women are around. or You're beautiful ... any time I have a boner.

I know I know its all so far fetched and stupid but I'm just hitting this 'emo' thing right now and I'm not sure why. I am sure, though, that it will pass and everything will get back to normal. In other news: I am wearing a skirt today.


SONG OF THE DAY!

Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap (Ugh I love this woman!)

Say goodnight and go

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Wow so much stuff has gone on that I'm not sure where to start. I will start out by saying that all in all - mine and Keith's trip has gone off without a hitch and everything has been a blast.

I'm not sure how long this wifi connection will last so I'm not going to blog extensively - nor do I have any pictures to post yet (I said YET which means they will be coming!)

I've spent the past 7 hours walking around Chicago and my feet are killing me. I've mastered the art of crossing the street (sounds simple but in a city ... a REAL city there is an art to it) and I didn't even get harassed by bums! I've been obsessed with smashing pennies into little souvieners (its hard to explain) but its been a lot of fun.

We went to the zoo and we have lots and lots of other stuff we plan to do this week. I think there was mention of a museum and an aquarium. Not sure yet though.

Filming is still planned to start once I get back home after vacation (circa April 9th) and that's mostly all I have planned. I've really been trying to keep up with everything - but you know how it is when you're on vacation. I'll definately have to write out the entire story of the bus ride from Oklahoma to Illinois once I get a stable connection and stuff -- which will probably be once I get back home.

Miss everyone and hope all is well!

Grr I should have taken pictures!

So today was super happy fun time in SL. I hung out with my friend of 10+ years Xaria Concord and we did a little shopping. We critiqued some skins - and I'm seriously thinking of doing a review one day soon on 'em. We went to Naughty Designs, Celestial Studios, and Nomine. All have great skins - but each skin had a complaint department --- but I'll save all that for Appearance Mode on down the road. I don't plan to bash these designers - but I would like to think that maybe they'll read it and fix these tinyyyyyy problems on the next release. The problems really are minor. Really!

New Video Coming Up

I've been brainstorming on a few ideas lately for a SL video. I haven't done much machinima in SL because let's face it ... most of SL isn't really detailed enough to make a good flick. I'm a huge 'environment' person - but as time has passed more and more awesome builders and Photoshopping Gurus have stepped in and started making SL a WAY prettier place. This really helped fuel things. So when I return the first week of April I plan to shoot a short video themed around Roller Derby. Of course the first person I invited to be in it was Xaria - but right after her came JellyBean. Jelly tried to get a roller derby team off the ground sometime last year -- so I knew it would be something she'd be interested in.

Filming other people is always easier than filming yourself. I tend to get so critical of what I'm wearing and end up throwing TONS of footage out - just because I didn't look like I fit in the shot. No worries here! I won't be in any shots :) Just filming then editing my butt off to try a few new things. It should be a blast. I have a lot of other ideas but won't share those until I can really get things plotted out in my mind first. So yeah April 6th is when I return from leave so filming will start around the 9th. Huzzah!

And last but not least is song of the day. I was browsing around and found this song that I had forgotten about. Oh man I love this song! It was one of those songs that would cheer me up while I wrote letters to Keith while he was in Basic Training. Maybe because I'm so disgustingly in love? Prolly. Anyway!

Truthfully by Lisa Loeb

This isn't what I like to call flattery,
but I know that I believe that I've found what's true,
that I've found what's you.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Surprise, cause I was flying the plane.
Surprise, cause now I'm smiling again.
Surprise, cause you showed up with your parachute.
Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.
Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, I'm finding out what's you.
I'm smiling again.
Truthfully

Blargh and I forgot to do a song of the day! Dang it.

Ah well here it is:

Wordless May by Venus Hum

The words of wordless May...
Sing a song to me
She stands as tall as trees these days
The words of wordless May

Dear Jesus make me simple
Strong as trees to sway
Give me arms wide open
With a beautiful way
Just like wordless May

If there were fields as pretty as you
I'd want to kiss them too
If there were fields as pretty as you
I'd want to kiss them too

If there were eyes so pretty and blue
I'd want to swim in them too
If there were skies as pretty as you
I'd want to kiss them too

Mkay. So on the 16th Keith and I head out for our 3 week vacation. The MIA dates are listed on the NSS site. But while we're gone I will have my laptop so we'll be able to blog, respond to e-mail and things of that nature. And when I say "we'll be able to blog" I mean "I". Just so that's clear.

I've had quite a few video ideas - and I plan to get going on those sometime in the very near future. As it stands right now Keith and I just don't have enough hours in the day in order to accomplish all the things we need to get done. I have a feeling that any little extra fun projects that I want to do will be getting done after we're back from leave.

And even though this is completely unrelated I just want to share this little quote thing:

Sometimes encouragement is bad. A huge majority of people can be lead to think they are cool - but in all actuality be the village idiot. Which are you? The idiot or the idiot's cheerleader? And who's truly the bigger idiot? The one who doesn't know better - or the one doing the coaxing?

I dunno .. just sometimes things arise that really make me stand back and analyze everyone and say "What .. the .. fuck". That ever happen to anyone else?

Holy crap.

So I haven't blogged or anything else for a few days. Keith and I have been running around like crazy. We got married on the 7th - we've been scrubbing his dorm room - and filling out lots n lots of paperwork.

His room gets inspected Wednesday and I only PRAY that is passes. Seriously they go over that place with a white glove before they'll pass it. Monday I have to start my paperwork to get my passport and visa and we're both holding our breath that it'll be done by the time we ship out. Right now its looking like on/about May 18th is when we'll be heading to England.

I have to call a couple friends to give them more exact dates of when we're going to arrive in England so they help us out. I have a friend in Cambridge and this summer Keith's Norwegian friend is going to take his holiday in England to visit :) So even though we're going to be far far away from home - we will still have friends. RAF Mildenhal here we come!

Willow is having a baby so huge congrats to that. I'm going to guess that her due date is October so I feel it would be in her best interest to have her baby on my birthday (rofl!)

I have a few tings to unpack and whatnot so that's all I'm gonna say for now. Perhaps later once the sun isn't glaring off the pool I will sit and blog more ... but I really want to sit outside right now.

O M F G I am so worn out. I've been scrubbing this place meticulously for hours now. I've been on my hands and knees washing, scrubbing and waxing floors and I'm about to just start crying. All that's left to do is wax ONE more floor, vaccum, steam clean the carpet and move furniture and I am DONE. I only hope it'll pass inspection after all my hard work :(

Being out of here will lift a little stress. My little cousin called me last night -and it totally surprised me. I'm not particularly close to my family at all ... but she called. Why? Because she just wanted to. That and she turns 21 next week and wanted to hang out. Her husband is in the Air Force also - and stationed at the same base Keith and I are at. So yeah I guess he and I are going to hang out with some of my family next week.

My knees, neck and legs are killing me soo bad right now. I'm just worn out. I know, I know I shouldn't whine. Keith is probably just as tired as I am and he's at work right now - and may not be home for 4 more hours - AND he has to work this week end. So really I have nothing to complain about.

He told his parents about us getting married and I don't think they took it all too great - so that has me feeling guilty on top of being worried. I don't care if they never like me. I don't care what kind of preconceived notions they have about me ... I just don't want him upset and I don't want them to be upset at him. Why am I so damn protective? For the past few days I've just thought to myself "Yeah I can't wait to sit down at a dinner table with them and explain how its impossible for us to have a conventional relationship - much less a 5 year courtship like they'd -want- us to have - taking into consideration Keith's career choice." I really don't think his parents understand how the military works. I think he's just been the "good one" and even though they talk to him they don't listen to what he says. I know for a fact he's tried to explain everything to them - but they simply don't 'get it'. His mother doesn't realize that if Keith so much as has a headache that he has better health care than both his parents combined. I know she doesn't realize how well he's gotten fed the past 2 years because she asks him if he eats all the time. They've never been around it - they don't know.

But yeah at the same time I feel so bad for wanting to set them straight. I feel like I'm being way too confrontational to people that I should be somewhat submissive to. I understand that he's the baby. I totally get the fact that they now feel left out of his life since he doesn't live within driving distance. I don't know how to really put how I feel - but I know that even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with how I feel - I feel bad for even feeling that way. I just hope things are alright.

Keith and I have to take care of a few things tomorrow - but all in all we're off base. I think Wednesday is when we're going to hit up the county courthouse and get married so that I can get all my paperwork started. Even though we get one thing done - here comes another we have to do. I'm totally not looking forward to packing all that stuff back up - bring it back on base - and have someone else pack it up for us to ship to England. What a pain! Oh well.

So here's the song of the day! I heard it while I was scrubbing the bathroom and now its in my head :P Enjoy

Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin

I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)
I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come)
Pick us up off the floor
What did you possibly expect under this condition so
Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of

Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..
Just dark blue


This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down

And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down
This night's a perfect shade of

Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue


We were boxing
We were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
You were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines (the power lines)
And it was me and you (this could last forever)
And the whole town under water
There was nothing we could do

It was dark blue


Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the room could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue


If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)

Keith and I got the apartment - and we spent last night and part of today haulin' a few boxes over. No reason we shouldn't have everything done and out of the way by wednesday or so :)

SONG OF THE DAY!


Gorecki by Lamb (Its practically me and Keith's "song")

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one Ive waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one Ive waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
Til the end of time till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for
The one Ive waited for

Wanna stay right here
Til the end of time till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one Ive waited for
The one I've waited for
The one Ive waited for

Yeah I'm kinda copying Willow .. but!

I've decided to start a 'Song of the Day' since that whole pre-made playlist thing just wasn't gettin' it for me.

Today's song .. I so easily identify with it. Just listen and read the lyrics - maybe you will to :)

Glittering Cloud by Imogen Heap (My favorite artist)

I'm not always like this
It's something I become.
A terrible weakness
In my nature, in my blood.
Save me.
Oh save me.
Save me from myself
Before I hurt somebody else again.

Domino motion
Jump starts when we touch.
The blackout approaching ...
Here it comes now.
Wish me luck.
It's all over.
It's all over.
It's all over in a flash.
I can't remember ...
What have I done now?

Go go faster wider
More more get it down ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering Cloud

Go go faster wider
More more get it down ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering Cloud

Ugh my head hurts.
Oh dear.
Oh dear.

It's all over the papers
On the TV, wagging tongues.
The artist's impression looks just like me
Only ... better.
Don't blame me.
Don't maim me.
I can't help what I am.
Oh, Lord knows I've tried to.

Go go faster wider
More more get it down ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering Cloud

Go go faster wider
More more get it down ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering Cloud

Well looks like there isn't going to be much going on this weekend in the ways of Keith and I hanging out other than maybe moving.

I'm not sure yet because he was off to talk to the apartment manager before he left for work - and he didn't come home for a break so I'm stuck clueless until at least Midnight (or later.)

I've packed up a total of 8 (or 9) boxes so there really isn't much left to do as far as packing goes. I haven't cleaned as I packed, though. I figured why let Keith completely off the hook, yanno? Not to mention there are all kinds of papers around here and I have no idea what's trash and what's not so I've been afraid to really do anything other than put things inside boxes.

You can really tell that its Friday night. Guys running up and down the hall yelling, girls cackling like banshees as they stumble up and down the stairs ... and its only 19:30! I mean seriously!

I like it though, really. All the sounds around here, that is. It reminds me that I'm alive. For so long I've lived in a form of isolation. Its the best way I can describe it. Even when I lived in my friend's basement there wasn't as much going on as there is here. On weekdays when things are 'quiet' as far as everything goes - there are still plenty of sounds. Every Wednesday at noon tornado sirens blare for a bit. Every couple hours you'll hear the roar of a jet overhead. Car alarms randomly start beeping and honking (usually at o'dark stupid on Saturday morning) and its all just fun for me to hear. I like sitting here on the bed reading and hearing someone walking by the door on the phone. Its a game for me, I guess. Since our room is by the stairs people usually stop to finish up their conversation right outside the door - so I try to guess who they are talking to before they walk down the stairs. Mom, Girlfriend, Dad, Brother etc.

Keith has been sleeping like crap lately - which in turn has been making me sleep like crap. I think he's stressed. We go on leave March 16th and we're heading up to Chicago to see his family and stuff -- and he hasn't told them about us getting married yet. Soooo I'm sure that's stressing him, on top of all the preparations and paper work we have yet to do in order to get my visa/passport for our move to the UK. I really don't mind all this sense of urgency and the hectic schedule. Its actually kinda fun. Even though my day-to-day routine is pretty mundane - his never is and I never know how his schedule is going to affect me.

So yeah we're possibly moving this weekend. I'm sure when we go on leave that I will take my laptop with me. I need to install the cam software so I can upload any pics we take and such.

Its gonna be a busy remainder of the week :'(

Well Keith and I have found a little apartment to move into - so now we can get married and start all the paperwork to get my passport/visa/military ID. What a pain. I'm hoping that I can skip changing my last name in order to speed up the passport/visa process. Let's hope it does.

I've been packing stuff up tonight - took stuff off the walls etc ... but I'm totally not gonna mess with his computer. He can unplug and pack that beast himself!

He's going to work on the CF University/BEF Video when he comes home and he hopes to finally have it completed by Friday. Then this week end he and I have to scrub this place down so that they can inspect and blah blah blah.

Wow I suddenly feel really hungry. Meh oh well. Gonna roll up these rugs and call it a done deal with the packing for now. Already his room is looking weird with nothing on the walls and all the rugs off the floor.