Blog Fail.

Holy crap has it really been almost a YEAR since I blogged? Total blog fail.

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this (or ever did) so its always just been here when I get to it. Today I'm getting to it.

Keith and I took a totally amazing cruise vacation and made the Eastern Mediterranean our bitch. We stayed in Rome about 4 days before embarking on our cruise. We went to:

Rome, Italy

Naples, Italy

Capri, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Pompei, Italy

Athens, Greece

Rhodes, Greece

Kusadasi, Turkey

Ephesis, Turkey

Alexandria, Egypt

Cairo, Egypt

Giza, Egypt

Taormina, Sicily

All that in 16 days! It was insane. I have a lot to talk about our adventures - but one big post just won't sum it up. Well technically I guess it could sum it up, but I wouldn't be doing those places any favours.

The weight loss is going horribly - but that's because I haven't been to the gym in forever.

The past 6 months or so (at least) around here has been so insanely crazy I just don't know where to even begin.

It started with the prospect of Keith deploying, then our whole cruise was like a countdown to deployment because he was supposed to leave 8 days after we got back. THEN they said "You aren't deploying" and now I worry that he'll come home from work one day and say "Welp honey I'm deploying". Its just an emotional rollercoaster.

So what now? Well I'm trying to get un-depressed at the moment. I'm not sure what's really caused it. Maybe the snap back to reality after a super awesome vacation ... or the fact that I feel horrible after spending 5 months mentally and emotionally preparing myself for another deployment only for it NOT to happen - but I am kinda depressed. I'm hoping that after this week of doing almost nothing that next week I can make myself so busy that I don't even have time to think.

The Long Slow Road of Weight Loss

Losing weight is hard. Period. I don't think I've ever done anything physically so hard in all my life. Granted, I haven't been as ROAR about it as I should be - but its still hard.

For the past 8 weeks I have been going to the gym on average twice a week. The physiotherpaist told me to go at least 3 times a week. I'm sorry mini Tony Little, I've let you down. I've let me down, too.

At first just going to the gym was hard. It required a lot of mental preparation on my part. Maybe it will be easier to understand if I explain things a little. As most everyone knows, my husband is in the military. We are stationed in England but we do not live on the military base. We live about 30 miles away. Anyway - I go to the gym on the nearest military base. The nearest base is all fighter jets so at any given moment you totally have a Top Gun moment with F-15s screaming overhead and you can't help but hum a few lines from "Danger Zone".

The gym is full of tall, lanky, lean men between the ages of 18 and 40. Even the women are very lean. My sensibile side says to me that I am there for the same reasons they are: to be healthy - but my immature no self-esteem having side says "They're all laughing at you." Are they laughing at me? Maybe - but at some point I have got to stop letting that thought (and its only a thought because I have never seen or heard anyone ever laugh at me) bother me so much.

At my last doctor's appointment (around July 6th) I had lost 6lb. That's a total of losing roughly one pound a week. Does anyone know the internal heartbreak of working your ass off in a gym up to 2 hours a day twice a week for a measly damn pound?! Its so discouraging!!! All those weeks of all that work and I'd only lost 6lbs. I was so hurt when I saw the scale. I'm still hurt in a lot of ways. BUT even just losing a very depressing one pound a week is the largest weight loss I've had in over 10 years. So honestly, I should look at it that way. Its still progress, even if the progress is slow and unrewarding in its tempo.

What I'd wanted to do was post pictures to chart my progress in this journey - but I haven't yet got that kind of confidence. Will I ever have it? I don't know. I hope I will! Unfortunately right now I do not and to save myself the anxiety I am just not going the whole picture posting thing. Yet. I definitely plan to, just not now is all.

Losing weight is more mental than physical. Yes there is a lot of physical activity - but its more of a mental struggle than anything. Once I get to the gym and get on some rhythmic machine that forces me to do more exercise than I feel comfortable with - I'm fine. I don't have a thought in the world other than "Is it time to leave yet?" But in all honesty it took me 2 hours of me psychologically beating my own ass just to GET me there in the first place. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't done enough. I know in my heart that I could work out FAR FAR FARRR more than I currently do - but mentally and emotionally it takes so damn much out of me just to go work out. Being sweaty and sore doesn't bother me even a fraction as much as psyching myself up to go does. But once I'm back home and I've worked out so hard that I can't feel my arms or legs I tell myself "This better be worth it."

I don't have the right attitude, and I know it. At the same time - I don't know how to fix it. Of course I thought at first that my frame of mind would change but it hasn't. Regardless I know that I must continue to exercise in order to lose weight and get healthy. But at this point I have replaced one form of bad health with another.

Being healthy is multi dimentional. You must have physical health as well as mental and spiritual health. Right now I am severely lacking in the mental health department. I recognize this, but at the same time I'm coming up empty handed on how to go at this problem and really get things going in the right direction. Maybe I need to busy myself mentally with more things so that I spend less time worring about going to the gym and instead simply see the gym as part of my routine or schedule which has to be done on a regular basis. Like shaving my legs or scrubbing the toilet. I don't particularly enjoy either of those things - but they are things that I know I have to do every so often.

That's got to be the answer. The gym is like scrubbing the toilet. If you wait more than a week then its going to be really shitty.

Long Time No Post

I've neglected my blog a bit - and it shows. Its all for good reason, though (kinda.)

Keith's been gone all day over at his friends house playing video games and I've been working on random things here and there.

Things are a big weird between us at the moment. He hasn't even been home from Iraq as long as he was IN Iraq yet already he's taken over everything and changed the way that I've done everything for those 5 months he was gone. Its frustrating.

I thought that all that junk people say about when their men come home was a load of rubbish. No way would I get mad because he's put the towels somewhere that I haven't been putting them - that's dumb. Its insane that couples would fight over what day to do the grocery shopping! But for the most part its kinda true.

When you're forced to adapt to a foreign situation and not given any transition time - you quickly develop your own way of doing things. When you used to share housework you now do it all yourself and you find your own routine of things that you become comfortable with and maybe even enjoy. Then when your man (or woman I guess) comes home it all gets blown out of the water.

Maybe you enjoyed splurging on a caramel mochiato from Starbuck's once a week, but now you can't. It could be that you enjoyed doing the grocery shopping without a list and just getting things you liked, but you can't anymore. Perhaps you even stacked the dishes in the sink a certain way before you actually washed them, but now things are just all helter skelter in the kitchen. These all seem like small trivial things - but its hard not to take it personally when your significant other throws out your way and demands a different way.

It makes me miss the days that when I didn't want to cook I'd eat a bowl of rice with tons of butter and a couple spoons of sugar. I am so so glad my husband is home, but at the same time I resent him for changing everything that I worked so hard to put in order in his absense.

I don't want to say he doesn't respect me - because I like to think he does - but I think that maybe he doesn't think about things. He doesn't know how it was for me here at home because he wasn't here. He doesn't understand why I get frustrated when I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it. Well its because for 5 months if I wanted something done I had to do it - and now that I have someone to help I expect it to be done when I ask. Only because I am used to it being done right when I wanted it done because I did it myself. At this moment I am seeing just how complicated this whole matter is.

Even though I:

cook every night
Do the dishes
Make sure he takes bills with him to work so they get paid
Check account balances so that he doesn't overdraw the checking (he does it a lot)
feed the cat
do the litter box
wash the clothes
vaccum
pack his lunch (which sometimes involves cooking/packing a breakfast as well)

He just makes me feel like I'm useless. I'm the one who doesn't work so I should be just living it up at home while he's gone all day. That isn't how it works.

I quit my job on his advice. They weren't going to allow me to have the 15 days off immediately following Keith's return from Iraq and Keith said "Fuck 'em. Just quit." so I did. I quit my job. This is the job I took after hearing him bitch for 6 months (roughly) about how he feels he has too much responsibility and I don't. The job that he still reminded me almost daily that his job is harder than. The job that I would come home from and STILL do almost all those things listed above.

I haven't had a job since the 2nd week of September (he came back the last week of that month.) And even though while he was still in Iraq and promised me that 'this time' it would be different. This time he wouldn't belittle me and make me feel unimportant. This time he promised he wouldn't make comments about HIS money or things I'm not allowed to buy because HE thinks it isn't needed. It only took about a month for all those promises to be forgotten.

Day in, day out I am in this house. Sometimes I walk into the village to buy a pasty or some tobacco and papers - but that only happens once or so a month. I can't be arsed to walk the mile to the village if its raining or too cold. I just won't. Anyway - I'm always at home. I guess always being at home and having no interaction with the outside world apart from an occasional phone call, Ventrillo, or SL is his idea of heaven.

I've gone off on a huge tangeant but in a way I don't really mind. Its all stuff that's bothered me that we have either discussed a half million times - or I just don't have the energy to have a 'discussion' about. I'm just frustrated is all. We've done all this before - and now we're doing it all again.

He thinks I'm being immature in thinking that he's being controlling. I think he's just being more of a dick for clamping down even harder for no apparent reason. I can't spend a few bucks on a burger from Burger King cuz its a waste of money. BUT he can pretty much do whatever he wants because its his money (he reminds me that its his money any time I talk about buying something.) Am I just being immature? Afterall he's the one who works so technically it IS his money -- but don't I earn some of that by doing all those things in that list? I mean, that's sometimes a full 8-12 hours of work a day.

I don't know. I just know I'm frustrated with how things have been going. I feel like I'm kind of ignored in the equality department. Granted, last time I didn't work I expected Keith to do half of everything here at the house. I don't expect him to do that now - but I do expect to be treated equally. I don't like feeling that I'm less of a contributor just because I don't leave the house to work. I do work. if I didn't we'd live in a mound of filth and he'd never eat or have clean clothes.

Bah.

Men.

Super Dickmann's - and other things

Yes - I only bought this because its called "Super Dickmann's". As a matter of fact - I forced Keith to hold the box while I snapped this pic in the kitchen AS SOON as we got home from the store with it. But turns out - these things are WAY awesome. Its a huge chocolate covered thing with the creamiest softest marshmellow center and a tiny wafer on the bottom! You get almost an immediate sugar rush upon devouring!

How huge is this Super Dickmann's?

Well they're huge. Nearly as big as an iPod Nano. If you don't want some serious sugar almost instantly - I don't recommend ever buying these. They're from Germany (duh look at the packaging!) and they somehow found their way to our commissary at RAF Lakenheath. I was never so greatful for German chocolates until that day. That glorious day we returned home with our little cardboard treasure.

We've now eaten nearly all of them (I think there are 9 to a box) and they are my new love. Forget Galaxy bars or even ice cream. I love Super Dickmann's!! Germany - thank you for this most yumtastic chocolatey treat. How sugary are Super Dickmann's? Well put it this way: we drink a LOT of energy drinks in my house - and ONE of these things made me hyper for like 3 hours. I'm talking completely rambunctiously annoyingly hyper. Yeah I'd totally feed one of these to someone's kid right before they went back home with their parents. I'm evil like that.


In other news - I have decided to only post paintings on my art page to say "Hey look this is for sale" once I get my Etsy shop going. This way it allows MORE people to see my artwork and gives me extra opportunity to sell them. I did look into the option of selling prints - but unless I do the prints myself I would be losing a lot of money. I'd make about $.50 per print. Instead I'll just sell the original on canvas and not offer prints at all.


This means that every painting purchased is a one-of-a-kind. I highly doubt I'll price anything over $30 because I'm mostly just interested in paying for art supplies to paint more - and not looking to make an actual living from it right now. Perhaps in the future. Of course I'll post something here when I have everything all set up - including figuring out where to get proper boxes to ship things. It'll all come together eventually!


I feel like Keith and I are still getting acquainted with each other now that he's back from Iraq. Small things about both of us have changed while he was deployed and we're both working on getting used to those small changes. Nothing major - but still. It was kind of disturbing at first when I noticed there were any kind of change at all ... but then I realized that its pretty much natural.



We still have a lot of fun together. I even gave him a spa facial treatment a few days ago. Cucumber peel and avacado mask - the whole works! He didn't actually say it .. but I think he enjoyed it :) Looks like he's having fun to me!


I think we get on each other's nerves a bit more than we used to (we're both terribly annoying) but we're starting to get used to it. I make his lunch almost every morning - and he seems to like going to work. Maybe its because he isn't working 12 hours a day 6 days a week like he was in Iraq.


I think that's all for now. I mostly just wanted to share the awesome that is Super Dickmann's - but I got off on another subject!

Just Groovin'

Song of the Day is now located on a widget over there ----------------->

I finished another painting - but I have a lot of stuff to do :(

I have to get pictures taken of a lot of other paintings, as well as try to find a decent printing company that I can team up with. I've had a lot of inquiries about my paintings, but a lot of it is people wanting prints - not the actual canvas painting. Sooo yeah I definitely have to look into that. It wasn't even something I'd thought of!

Keith goes back to work next week and our sleep schedule is totally wonky. We stay up till 7/8am go to bed, wake up at 5pm and do it all again. We're going to bed here in about an hour and hope that our first day of being awake during daylight hours will be eventful!

So yeah! Busy busy painting! And I'm sure once I set myself up with a printing company that I can hopefully just sell enough prints to pay for my art supplies! Weee!

Ow My Feet

I've been working all week and my feet hurt. Standing on concrete in one place for 8 hours is definitely something that you can't just DO without like .. practice or something.

My job is so easy its insulting in a lot of ways. My 2nd day I was on my own and I felt like I was a special needs kid when they (in the main office) looked at me with wide eyes and called each other into the office to say that my drawer balanced out perfectly. It was insulting and embarrassing and I was more than mad about it - but of course I just sat there. I almost wiped at my mouth with my sleeve to see if I was drooling. I can't figure out why everyone thinks I should be so damned stupid!

I've let all that slide and I get up with Keith ever morning at 5am, get dressed, grab my ugly hat and we start our 15min drive to the base. I drop him off and slowly try to work out my frustrations before I pull into the parking lot of the hole-in-the-wall Food Cube. I'm a cashier and I hand guys in BDUs sandwiches that they order out on the flight line. Glamorous.

The pay is more than modest so I shouldn't complain, and its such an overall easy job that I should really shut my mouth ... so now I feel guilty for complaining.

Libby (our cat) has gotten bitchy now that I'm not home all day. I'm hoping she gets used to it soon and softens up again. We had JUST gotten her to actually like us where she would jump up on our lap and let us pet her and whatnot.

At least the lady I work with is nice. She's REALLY nice. She's got that rough type edge that I feel like I can relate to her, and at the same time she's so damned nice! I also made a couple buddies in the office and plan to start working out with them. Its a group of about 4 girls that are all the same level of fatass that I am, and they have invited me to hang out and work out with them.

Keith leaves next week. He'll be gone for 3 weeks in Morocco and I've already told him that he'd best bring me back something fucking phenomenal since he will be GONE for our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I'm pissy about that too, but what can ya do? I'll get over it. Besides the time alone might be nice. I might get some paintings done, and I'll most likely drive to Cambridge and hang out with Tree - and I'll also have the new chicks to go to the gym with. So this could be nice if I just relax a little.

So yeah I'm tired and pretty damned cranky and hopefully over the next week or so I will chill out and work myself into a routine groove where I can just calm down. I'm off to cook up some dinner since Keith will be home soon.

Work Work Work

Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.

The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.

I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.

Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.

I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.

Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.

I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!

For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.

Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.

I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?

Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.

So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!

Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...

My Weekend and Other Stuff

Keith and I went to Cambridge last weekend. I took him to Mill Road which is where Tree and I hang out when she and I get together. I even took him to the awesome cafe (The Black Cat Cafe) that Tree introduced me to. They simply have the BEST cafe latte I've ever had. He wasn't too impressed. He was more impressed with the fact that I knew my way around and got us FREE parking. Huzzah!

So we walked the 10 or so blocks to downtown where we found a store to buy some sheesha (flavored hookah tobacco) and even a new bowl! We came across a Chinese market where we stopped in to buy some Koalas (its candy) and some sugar coated fish jerky that we haven't eaten yet. We will get around to it though, and I'll post how bad or good it is. It just sounded odd so we bought it.

I updated my flickr account with some of the pictures we snapped. By the time we had walked around downtown for about a half hour my back was killing me. I really think its the shoes. Anyway, we went down to the market and looked at random things, and I even got a neato multicolored velvety top that I simply HAVE to find something to wear with.

I got a job, but am waiting for HRO (Human Resource Office) to call me back to set up an appointment for me to go in and fill in all the necessary paperwork for me to start working. So yay. Is it sad that I've already made a mental list of things I plan to buy with my paycheck? I've also decided that once I start work I will also start working out since Keith and I will be getting off work around the same time. This way it just feels like less hassle. He doesn't have to drive the 15 mins to come home and get me for us to drive the 15 mins back to the base to work out for an hour .. then drive back home.

A week ago I did my first real painting in years, and have already started on another. It isn't leet awesum or anything, but I'm still proud of it because its mine. I'll have to buy new supplies soon though. I have a nice sized canvas, but I need to either FIND a wood frame to staple it to, or just buy new canvases. New paint wouldn't hurt either. So here it is, my painting!




My bright pink hair has faded to a dirty pink - so I'm trying to decide if I want to dye it some other awesome color, or if I want to go back to normal. I really like having wild colored hair. It makes me feel more energetic, and just overall happy. I am definately not cutting my hair again, and am growing it back out to its once wonderous glory. I miss having long hair. I'm still trying to talk Keith into allowing dreds, but so far no dice.

The BEST

This is the BEST tomato juice on the face of the planet. Period.

I had my job interview yesterday and it didn't go too great. I was offered 10 hours a week, which means I would bring in a whopping 40ish bucks a week which really just isn't even worth the time.

So I'm holding out for a full time position. It was really just a big let down because .. well duh.

When I Say Your Name ...

stand up and say "Here." That will be short for "Here I am, rock you like a hurricane."

So as most everyone has probably noticed I haven't been posting. My daily life has gotten hectic, and I've been looking for a job. I have an interview tomorrow so I'll probably post how that whole thing goes ...

We'll probably be buying another car to make the back and forth easier for us both even though I will be working on the same base as Keith - I may not have the exact same hours. He's also taking another round of classes so things are about to get hectic.

I've taken a haitus from filming in SL - and it never fails that when I do take a break that I get about 10 IMs a day asking me to film a wedding. I'm just tired of the RL strain that filming causes. Keith and I fight because each of us thinks that we did more work than the other, and he just lacks any kind of appreciation or respect for anything I do. I'd rather just do something out of his all seeing eye so that he can't tell me that I don't 'do anything'.

And I almost went off on a rant there, but I somehow contained it.

Off to cook dinner!

I'm just so fresh and so clean clean

I think the picture will speak for itself.

Holiday Recap

My holiday was really hectic - even though we didn't go anywhere. Keith and I had our Brit friends over for Christmas dinner and in some ways it was completely hysterical.

Right now I can't remember everything we had - but I made a lot of things which they have NEVER had before. Candied yams, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie and pecan pie. I also made a huge friggin' ham, and they brought sausages, spuds, duck and beef. I even picked up a few gifts for them. I ground up some Columbian Supremo coffee for Tree, a 6 pack of IBC Root Beer (which is like the BEST root beer on the face of the planet) for her man, and got her daughter a silly little SpongeBob tin which she squealed over.

We were going to go to London for New Years eve to see the fireworks, but Keith had to work New Years Day so that was out of the question. We wouldn't have made it home in time for him to go to work, but have decided that next year we simply MUST find a way to go.

I had some more dental work done this morning, and I'm hoping that my monthly visit to Dr Barker will be over soon. She's a splendid lady, really - but let's face it: its still a dentist. The entire right side of my head is numb which is making it very difficult to drink my tea!

Keith got me all 7 seasons of Buffy on DVD so we have been watching a few episodes every night. He's really suprised that he likes it. I've been using his tablet more than he has - but he said when he gets an itch he'll play with it.

I'm glad the holidays are over and things are calming down. It seems though this week I will spend hours every day cleaning the house to get it back in order. We had this place SPOTLESS and it seems we got really lazy over the holiday.

Not sure if I posted anything about it - but we got our pictures taken with my haircut and everything was fine. I sent a scanned copy to my friend Stef and it got her "awww" of approval. Keith started his workout routine the other day and I'm sure it won't be long before I follow suit. He said he ran a mile on the treadmill and it was 'a good warm up' and I nearly shat myself. WARMUP?! That would be two days worth of exercise for me! Bah.

My SL stuff has slowed to a crawl. I don't really have the energy for most of it. I don't want to make things - and I don't even want to film anymore. Machinima is the new DJ of SL. Remember how EVERYONE was a DJ once upon a time? Well now days everyone is a 'machinima artist' or 'filmmaker' in SL which makes me want to just spit. Its like .. drawing a stick man and calling yourself an artist. Yeah SOMEONE will consider it art - but overall its just shit. I'm just as stupid for even getting any kind of emotional 'work up' over it but whatever.

We got a magazine in the post this weekend - which had a two page spread of a video we did - which is very cool. Its in French so I can't read it but that doesn't make it any less awesome. I'll have to scan it later and post it. The name of the magazine is VoxPop so check it out if you're in France!

Hmm what else. Did I mention the house is a mess?

Oh. And when coming onto the base today my car was thoroughly searched - which almost made me late for my appointment. I don't know why I am always the one to be 'randomly' searched but it always works out that way. I guess I should be all "well at least they are making sure things are secure" but even though I think that LATER at the time I'm just frustrated.

When you pull up to the gates and they check your military ID and your other card that has all your vehicle info they say "Hello ma'am - if you'll pull up inbetween the cones and wait for further instruction your car is selected for random search." So you pull up - still holding your cards to enter the base and hand it to a guy holding an M16 and with a 9mm on his hip and he smiles and asks "Consent to search?" Right - like you REALLY need my verbal concent, buddy! I mean c'mon! I replied with "Yes sir!" of course - it isn't like there's much of an option. So then he moves to let me open my car door and says "Open all compartments. Hood, trunk, console, glove box - anything that opens." So I open everything in the car - pop the hood and the boot (boot means trunk here in England) then get out and open all four doors.

He still has one hand on his M16 while he puts one hand behind my back to usher me into this little cubby hole of plexi glass or something while another soldier walks out and rummages through my car. "I left my handbag in the car. In case, you know, you all wanted to check it too." The "usher" then tells the bloke searching my car that my handbag is in the car. While in the glass fort I'm asked random questions like "Where are you going?" and "How long will you be on base" while secretly wishing I had taken the other entrance into the base.

Of course everything checks out fine and he hands me my IDs back and close the hood, boot (trunk), 3 doors and slip into the drivers' seat. I close all the inside compartments and stick my base pass on my dash and head off to my appointment. Then once I'm in the dentist's chair and she's sticking a needle in my cheek I silently wish they would have searched more so that I didn't have to be where I was right then.

Military life - gotta love it.

Wrapping Paper Sucks

When I lived at home with my parents, I used to have my mom wrap all my gifts because she was SO particular. She liked them to be wrapped a certain way, and they had to look pretty. I never really understood because hey - they're just going to get torn open anyway, right?! Well the other day I couldn't find scissors to wrap a few of Keith's gifts so I ended up just ripping the paper from the roll. A day or two later he wrapped his gifts to me and sat them under our little one foot tall fiber optic tree and I immediately sulked.

He put so much time and effort into wrapping my gifts and here mine looked like complete crap in comparison. No idea why that bothered me, but it did! I felt like some kind of Christmas failure. He's already dubbed me Miss Grinch - and seeing our wrapping jobs next to each other just made it all worse.

I have one gift of his left to wrap, and I've decided that I'm going to put some effort into wrapping it. We haven't got any ribbon or bows - but I am still going to at least make it look better than the shoddy job I did on the others.

We share so many interests - but holiday cheer is not one of them. I really have tried, but no dice. People decking their houses out with lights is somewhat a new 'thing' here in England, but in the States nearly everyone does it. I kind of expect that sort of thing out of Americans. America is the land of excess, the country of waste. Who cares about how much electricity we waste on all those decorations - looks good don't it?! Here we separate all our trash in order to put things in our recycle bin which is about 3x the size of our trash bin. The inspection for cars is far more in depth here than in America ... but now England is splurging and tossing aside their green way of things in favor of having twinkling lights all over their cottages, bungalows, and flats. It makes me feel bad, in a way. I really don't know how to explain it.

Keith and I haven't really made any friends here. Nearly everyone he works with is well older than we are - and if they aren't then they have at least two kids which immediately puts a bit of a damper on things. We have, however, met up with our Second Life friend Treebee - and she has definitely stepped up to the unknown challenge of taking the place of my best friend.

Okay so she isn't really my BEST friend because how could anyone ever fill the gap of my REAL best friend, Stefanie? They couldn't. Stef and I have known each other since we were 15 (Holy crap 12 years already?!) and we have been through so much together. We're sisters, really. Not the bickering type sisters, but the kind that finishes each others' sentences. Though Tree is well older than I am (her daughter is 15) she has this amazing aura about her. She and I are eerily alike in amazingly so many ways that it almost puts me off. Things that I like (that Stef doesn't) and I think - no one could ever like THAT - Tree likes it! She just puts off this energy that makes you want to just hug her. She's so raw and honest, yet carefree and cautious. Its really hard for me to describe.

Keith and I have invited Tree, her man, and her daughter over for Christmas dinner. Last Christmas Keith was still living in the dorms on the military base, and his suite mate was on leave so it was just us. It was charming, really - but it was quite sterile. Even though I didn't have a great holiday family I still missed the anxiety of getting things together for them.

Its weird, really. I hate cleaning house - but I love cleaning it when I know that Tree and her lot are coming over. I'm not cleaning the house for me, I'm doing it for them. Yes, I know they wouldn't care if my house looked like complete shite - but it feels like I'm reaching some sort of goal when I do it.

I've only just noticed that I'm jumping around a lot in what I'm writing, but I'm just going with whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it seems frantic :(

I haven't started working out yet. Keith wanted to go one day last week, but I had my monthly and really wasn't feeling up to it (who could blame me?!) I'm still not sure if or when I will feel compelled enough to actually get my arse in gear and work out. A big part is that since we've been together I feel so physically dwarfed by his good looks. He's tall and thin with a great personality. He's a people pleaser. He's just a good guy. I'm short and fat with a weird personality that couldn't be bothered with what anyone else thinks .. unless I'm with him. I think my deviant self is really an embarrassment to him or something. I think that somehow, somewhere inside him that he HAS to be embarrassed of how I look. Skinny blond bloke like him should have a skinny bird on his arm. Not some loud mouth mix of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnel with a heavy helping of Bjork's eccentricity. Not that I don't love every one of those women (who are so outspoken about politics, feminism, and art) but it never feels like it suits him.

Time and time again I've heard lines of if you're happy with yourself then you've got it made. I am happy with myself. I really don't have a problem with my body - but I just feel like I'm not as .. well .. hot as I should be, I guess.

Never has Keith said "You're fat and I find you unattractive." Hell, I've never even caught him oogling a prettier woman which means he's either A) way more slick than I could ever imagine or B) I really put too much stock in how I think I'm looked upon. It isn't as shallow as what I'm wearing because I'm shameless when it comes to clothes. I will wear the tackiest shit because I like it! But its because as the years go by its harder and harder to find clothes. I really don't like wearing what I can only call a 'tent'. I want to wear weird leg warmers and 3 shirts at the same time. Maybe some hot pink holographic tights under a skirt with a pair of worn out yellow Chuck Taylor's. But I can't. I'm too fat.

Then it comes back around. I'm too fat but I know working out won't do a thing for me. Argue all you want, but even in high school when I was what I would NOW call thin (5'4 140lbs) I ran more than a mile every day - yet still I was round. I had a belly pooch. I had dimples on my thighs. When I sat down my stomach still rolled over the top of my jeans! At one point I even did the no carb thing - and I didn't lose a pound. I only got more tired! I've been reading and at this stage in my life I am considered obese. I used to think that it took far more to be obese, but I've hit that mark. Women who weigh more than like 200lbs are considered obese, and that really bothers me. Not the WORD obese, but the health risks that come with it.

There are surgical procedures that can be done, but being on military health care I can't have a one of them. I don't see a Lt. Col. calling me back to surgery to have my gut stapled. It just won't happen. I also don't see how I would get anything like that done here in England where you are 3x as likely to die of easily curable cancers like colon cancer than in the States. And see, I've gone and freaked myself out. BAH!

Working out won't hurt anything. My shins won't let me run anymore due to all the hard running in high school for the tennis and softball teams - but I could ride an exercise bike I'd bet. I'm sure that if I started out with just like ... 15 mins on a bike then walked a mile or so on a treadmill that the results would start to show. I've heard NOTHING but GOOD things about pilates, but I don't think I live anywhere near a gym that offers such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'll do something. Sometime. Maybe.

I am NOT ready for my close-up

I have an appointment today at a hair salon to get my hair cut, and after that Keith and I have an appointment at a photography studio to get professional pictures taken. Sounds fab, huh? IT ISN'T!

I always get a bout of anxiety and get real 'uppidy' when it comes to things like this. Okay fine, you got me - I get high strung about nearly everything and have a little freak out session often ... but getting my hair cut is always one of those things that just freak me out!

Part of the reason is up until about 3 years ago, I had the same hair dresser since I was 9. She knew my hair. She knew that no matter what haircut I WANTED she always knew what would look better. The problem with getting a new hairdresser is if you walk in and say "I want my hair cut like THIS" that they will cut it like that and if its complete shite you're stuck with it. *MY* hairdresser would never do that to me. To make this all worse we're having pictures taken afterward.

So a stranger is going to be chopping at my hair and probably not caring if the haircut clashes with my fat face. She probably won't know that even though my hair has turned a brownish reddish color with my age - that it still shows EVERY cut you make as if it were still blond. I had the hardest time as a blond. It took *MY* hairdresser a few years to get the hang of cutting my hair just right so that you couldn't see every cut she made. When I was about 13 that "Rachel" haircut (y'know .. from friends?) with the millions of layers was in. I could not sport this haircut because of my blondish reddish naturally highlighted hair because every layer looked as if you had given me different facets of a bowl cut.

Will this hairdresser butcher my hair? Will she actually listen to the things I tell her like:

• I don't have a natural part
• Even though I don't have any cow licks - one side of my hair always seems longer than the other
• If I can't style it with and walk out the door in 10 minutes - I'll hate it
• Bangs/Fringe make my face look fatter and I don't care what you say
• I have a weird mole thing on my head so if you even HINT at it I'll be mortified
• Even if you thin my hair out its still REALLY thick and will take you a half hour to blow dry
• If you have to use a curling iron on my hair to make it look good - you're trying too hard
• I prefer to not use more than two products on my hair on the rare occasion i DO style it
• Take into consideration I get a haircut once a year when it hits that awkward grow out stage
• The messier the better

I know that all seems like a lot, and some if it is contradictory ... but will she even listen?! Will she humor me and just grin and nod and then just do her own thing? Does anyone else ever freak out like this before getting their hair cut? I feel so juvenile!

My other 'freak out' thing right now is pictures. The last time I had professional portraits done was in high school. I didn't mind it so much because hey - its a portrait and I thought I was totally friggin' hot back then. Well I've gained probably 50 pounds (if not MORE) since then, but was lucky enough to marry a very VERY attractive man. Now, I feel inferior in looks (which drives Keith up the WALL and he wishes I'd just stop it!) and I wish I were thin enough to hide behind him for this whole ordeal. Vertically, I can hide behind him - but otherwise FORGET IT! I know that these aren't going to be full nude pictures (or even partially for that matter) but I do know the extra work it takes to photograph such contrasting couples for classic portrait photography. I know that I would feel more comfortable if I could somehow take our pictures myself - but we'd end up with these 'weird' photos that would just play off our contrasting appearance and it would be more minimalist slash modern portraits .. but GAH!

Regardless of my level of freak out (we are at Def con Bravo right now on my Freak Out Meter, people!) I will end up somehow pulling myself together to do all of this stuff. I'll sit in that salon chair and make small talk while a strange lady touches that weird mole on my head. I will then probably have to go into a story saying how my mother AND grandmother both have a mole in that same spot, and probably then say the same for the one near my ear which we all 3 have in common. We'll talk about the weather and about what we got our families for Christmas. I'll then thank her for her work on my what COULD be butchered hair, then I'll pick Keith up from work. After that I'll stand around in a studio drooling over the cameras, asking the photographer what school they went to (if any), and simply wait for the discomfort which comes once they start squinting behind a tripod (because few photographers actually look through the finder anymore with these new digital thingies) while I keep saying "don't blink don't blink don't blink" to myself in my head.

Ugh, am I losing my mind?!

Bah Humbug!

I'm the first to admit that I've never really been one of those 'Christmasy' types. I don't like hearing carrols on the loud speaker in EVERY store I go in. I don't really like wrapping presents, and I really like the fact that we have a 1 foot tall fiber optic tree because I don't like decorating, either!

My parents always hated that I was never excited about Christmas. They hated to buy me gifts because I wouldn't absolutely flip over them when I opened them. Now that I think about it, it was really rare that they actually got me something I wanted. For instance - when I asked for a No Doubt CD I got Maria Carey. All in all, they didn't really know me. I can assume they knew me as well as any other parent knows their teenager, but Christmas presents were always so ... hollow to me.

Keith complained the other day that I am too easy to shop for. Mind you my mother used to be LIVID trying to figure out what to get me.

So on our first married Christmas together we're kinda mixing traditions. My family really doesn't have any other than we normally just cooked a big breakfast Christmas day - whereas Keith's does the big dinner thing. We didn't open any presents early, but even up to the time I was 19 I would get up at like 5am - but it was a strict rule that I couldn't wake my parents before 6am. My mom even fixed up a coffee filter to brew a pot of coffee as soon as she got up to save time. So once mom had her morning cup and fag - we could start dishing out the presents. The stockings were always last. Always.

Dad usually dished out the presents to all of us because there was some mystical order in which the presents had to be opened. Even though we took turns being "Santa" mom would yell "NOT THAT ONE!" so we'd have to push it aside and open whatever it was she slid in front of us until we got the green light for the one she was sooo adamant about us NOT opening. If this is all sounding like a scene from A Christmas Story (Y'know "You'll shoot your eye outtt") then that's really how it went at my house.

Keith's parents sent us advent calendars - which I've never had before. Why? Well like I said - my family really isn't into holidays. Keith has also bought a thing of paper lunch bags and tea light candles that he says he'll line our driveway with .. for some reason. He just shrugged and said "tradition" so I'm not sure he knows what possible meaning could be behind it all.

Keith is also having a much harder time being away from his family than I am, but I think its because of lots of different reasons. For one - my parents aren't really involved in my life. I can honestly say that I don't think they have ever had any interest in what I do - other than just making sure I wasn't getting into trouble as a teenager. Keith's family calls him at least 3-5+ times a week, whereas I feel like I win a lottery if my family even picks up the phone.

It could just be that I feel he takes too much for granted like his parents always backing him up, or knowing that no matter what decision he makes that his family won't denounce his existence ... and maybe that's caused me to be a bit more bah humbug this year? I'm really not sure. I do know that I got him some kick ass presents so this Christmas should be better than last year (I got him a few video games and some other random things.)

My Webcomic

So I started my webcomic yesterday. I've decided that it'll be a daily thing of whatever random funny stuff that comes to mind :D

http://ManicStatic.wordpress.com

I opted for a wordpress blog thing because I couldn't see paying for a domain if I'm unsuccessful. And by successful I mean people actually like the stuff I draw and buy shirts and whatever from my cafe press store. (there's a banner on the site!)

New Projects Brewing

For years I've been a huge fan of different webcomics. I read them faithfully the way some people read PerezHilton.com ... anyway!

I've decided to start a comic of my own! I haven't gotten a site yet. The reason I haven't is because it DOES cost money so I would have to discuss such a thing with Keith first. I don't really want to go the 'free website' route because .. well I just don't want to. Having your own website gives you MUCH more freedom.

I'm also going to get a normal job next week - or at least start looking for one. My last wedding to film is set for next Wednesday so everything is all in order. I'm already looking into things to spend my money on once I start getting paychecks. My check will mostly just be 'play' money since we live quite comfortably off Keith's pay.

I've debated letting Keith take over this laptop and getting myself a macbook. One - I don't plan to continue gaming. PCs and Windows machines are FAR superior for gaming .. but I think my gaming days are almost gone. There are other things I'd like to focus on - like my art and writing. The past few years I've really let a lot of that go, but I'm going to find it again.

I can get a macbook off ebay for around ... 800USD -- or I can get one at the BX for a few hundred more and be guaranteed that everything is new. I'm almost positive that Keith isn't going to go for this, though.

My idea to start a webcomic really has me all "Eek". For one I do have a very off-the-wall sense of humor. With anything in life you always HOPE to succeed, I guess I'm just a little freaked out to be really planning on stopping everything I've been doing for the past almost three years.
There are lots of other things I wish I could openly type out - but I can't. Keith thinks its tacky for me to write out EVERYTHING so that any Tom Dick or Harry can read it. Sooo yeah.

I drew up a comic just a bit ago, scanned it, then painted around on it a bit. I think I'll just draw up a bunch of them and horde them for when I get a site, that way I'm ahead of the race a little bit and can update it daily or something. Maybe I'll even offer t shirts/mugs etc who knows.

Really I think its just time I have fun with the internet and stop seeing it as my job because well .. it won't be much longer. I've exhausted myself researching things, contacting people .. all that .. but I've never had a chance to really do what I want to do.

I will say that a lot of the comics I draw are NOT SAFE FOR WORK. So when I DO get a site please do yourself a favor and only view it at home - unless you work in a very liberal work place. Then of course view the site by all means!

Right now I'm really not sure what else to say. I'm excited about Christmas already - and I am just waiting for Keith's presents to come in. I think he's gonna be surprised and that he'll REALLY like his gifts!

Turkey Day!

We ate re-heated food from the squadron thing. That was enough of a Thanksgiving for me. After that Keith and I pretty much just started playing video games.

My Minstrel in LotR:O is now level 17 (Landroval server -- name Madge) and I spent a big part of the day seeing just how far I could run before I got killed. I actually got a popup message that more or less said "DANGER! This zone is very dangerous and things will attack you from far away!!" I did eventually die.

I'm debating heating up some of .. whatever's left and making a sandwich out of it. Keith is on the phone right now with his family. I called my family earlier and got hung up on 3 times before my mom answered the 4th time.

I won BOTH the things I was bidding on so I was really happy about that. Sooo hopefully Keith thinks the stuff I got him is awesome.

Keith is also making me pissy because I set up a filming appointment - and I had to throw a fit for him to actually do it. I'm really close to throwing in the towel on the video thing. I'd rather work in a fucking fast food joint - bring home my paycheck and not hear a damn word out of him instead of me going out of my way to communicate with these people and get things scheduled just for him to be a complete ASS about it.

Whatever.


I'm making a sandwich.

Dinnah

I don't have a lot of time to post because I have a lot to do and I'm hardly dressed.

Keith and I will be doing a feast thing with his entire squadron this afternoon. I even baked a carrot cake for the thing! I'm not a very good cook - unless its desserts. I can make the HELL out of some desserts!

I still have to ice the cake, dry my hair, and maybe slap on some makeup. I haven't decided on the makeup bit - but we'll see!

Suddenly I found myself distracted by the clouds moving outside.

I've decided to buy all Keith's Christmas presents on eBay since its cheap and easy. Its much more simple than me taking him to work and hitting the BX in hopes that they have what I'm looking for. Instead I can just log on and place a bid on the SAME THING that I know is there -- but for half the price and I don't have to worry about hiding it because it comes IN A BOX that I can just open and wrap while he's at work. Huzzah!

I'm sure we'll take pictures today. We haven't really taken the camera with us much of anywhere lately ... definately will have to stop that!

Running Behind

I really meant to do a 'How My Birthday Went' post .. but I am just swamped.

Keith and I had dinner at my favourite pub, I had a couple pints and a glass of wine. We finished watching Austrailia v England rugby match (England won!) before we head to the Commissary. He wouldn't let me get out of the car .. so I waited. He came back out with a cake he had ordered earlier in the week along with some cake spray paint, sugary decor that you just lay on the icing (it was Barbie stuff) and some sprinkles.

He then complained of how hard it is to buy things since we are always together. Yah I know, remember? Your birthday was in July and I had to make up a dentist appointment just so I could get the car for a day! Anyway ... we didn't really "do" anything for my birthday other than hang out at the pub for a few hours which is fine by me because as I said its my FAVOURITE pub!

This weekend is the UK Machinima Festival. We got an e-mail a couple days ago which is like a programme more or less - but it doesn't say "your video is being shown on THIS day at THIS time". That's what I had really wanted to know. The even is ALL weekend and I really don't want to have to try to find some form of lodging just so we can be there BOTH days. Its just frustrating is all.

I've been working on our lecture material .. which I still have to get everything put onto the laptop and all that in order to be ready for the lecture at Solent University on the 26th. When I say busy I mean BUSY! I don't really mind it though, I mean, its better than having nothing to do at all.

The downside is that lately I've been slacking on normal things. The house isn't as clean as it should be .. I spend so much time in e-mails that I forget to lay something out for dinner .. things like that. I know Keith doesn't mind eating pizza every night .. but it doesn't keep me from feeling guilty about it some days.

I've got a big rant coming up too. I won't make it a Mean Girls post because its just business related and even though it does have to do with Second Life I'm not sure that it belongs on MGG2SL. We'll see though. I mean, I could always double-post.

Lots and lots of Halo 3 multiplayer lately. I really sucked at first because I haven't picked up an XBox controller for the better part of 5 years .. but I've gotten better. And as sad as this sounds ... I really find enjoyment in busting up a few 12 year old boys' cussing coversations with "Haha you just got your face PWND by a chick, bitches!!!!!" I know. I'm immature.