Work Work Work

Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.

The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.

I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.

Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.

I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.

Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.

I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!

For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.

Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.

I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?

Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.

So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!

Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...

Wrapping Paper Sucks

When I lived at home with my parents, I used to have my mom wrap all my gifts because she was SO particular. She liked them to be wrapped a certain way, and they had to look pretty. I never really understood because hey - they're just going to get torn open anyway, right?! Well the other day I couldn't find scissors to wrap a few of Keith's gifts so I ended up just ripping the paper from the roll. A day or two later he wrapped his gifts to me and sat them under our little one foot tall fiber optic tree and I immediately sulked.

He put so much time and effort into wrapping my gifts and here mine looked like complete crap in comparison. No idea why that bothered me, but it did! I felt like some kind of Christmas failure. He's already dubbed me Miss Grinch - and seeing our wrapping jobs next to each other just made it all worse.

I have one gift of his left to wrap, and I've decided that I'm going to put some effort into wrapping it. We haven't got any ribbon or bows - but I am still going to at least make it look better than the shoddy job I did on the others.

We share so many interests - but holiday cheer is not one of them. I really have tried, but no dice. People decking their houses out with lights is somewhat a new 'thing' here in England, but in the States nearly everyone does it. I kind of expect that sort of thing out of Americans. America is the land of excess, the country of waste. Who cares about how much electricity we waste on all those decorations - looks good don't it?! Here we separate all our trash in order to put things in our recycle bin which is about 3x the size of our trash bin. The inspection for cars is far more in depth here than in America ... but now England is splurging and tossing aside their green way of things in favor of having twinkling lights all over their cottages, bungalows, and flats. It makes me feel bad, in a way. I really don't know how to explain it.

Keith and I haven't really made any friends here. Nearly everyone he works with is well older than we are - and if they aren't then they have at least two kids which immediately puts a bit of a damper on things. We have, however, met up with our Second Life friend Treebee - and she has definitely stepped up to the unknown challenge of taking the place of my best friend.

Okay so she isn't really my BEST friend because how could anyone ever fill the gap of my REAL best friend, Stefanie? They couldn't. Stef and I have known each other since we were 15 (Holy crap 12 years already?!) and we have been through so much together. We're sisters, really. Not the bickering type sisters, but the kind that finishes each others' sentences. Though Tree is well older than I am (her daughter is 15) she has this amazing aura about her. She and I are eerily alike in amazingly so many ways that it almost puts me off. Things that I like (that Stef doesn't) and I think - no one could ever like THAT - Tree likes it! She just puts off this energy that makes you want to just hug her. She's so raw and honest, yet carefree and cautious. Its really hard for me to describe.

Keith and I have invited Tree, her man, and her daughter over for Christmas dinner. Last Christmas Keith was still living in the dorms on the military base, and his suite mate was on leave so it was just us. It was charming, really - but it was quite sterile. Even though I didn't have a great holiday family I still missed the anxiety of getting things together for them.

Its weird, really. I hate cleaning house - but I love cleaning it when I know that Tree and her lot are coming over. I'm not cleaning the house for me, I'm doing it for them. Yes, I know they wouldn't care if my house looked like complete shite - but it feels like I'm reaching some sort of goal when I do it.

I've only just noticed that I'm jumping around a lot in what I'm writing, but I'm just going with whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it seems frantic :(

I haven't started working out yet. Keith wanted to go one day last week, but I had my monthly and really wasn't feeling up to it (who could blame me?!) I'm still not sure if or when I will feel compelled enough to actually get my arse in gear and work out. A big part is that since we've been together I feel so physically dwarfed by his good looks. He's tall and thin with a great personality. He's a people pleaser. He's just a good guy. I'm short and fat with a weird personality that couldn't be bothered with what anyone else thinks .. unless I'm with him. I think my deviant self is really an embarrassment to him or something. I think that somehow, somewhere inside him that he HAS to be embarrassed of how I look. Skinny blond bloke like him should have a skinny bird on his arm. Not some loud mouth mix of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnel with a heavy helping of Bjork's eccentricity. Not that I don't love every one of those women (who are so outspoken about politics, feminism, and art) but it never feels like it suits him.

Time and time again I've heard lines of if you're happy with yourself then you've got it made. I am happy with myself. I really don't have a problem with my body - but I just feel like I'm not as .. well .. hot as I should be, I guess.

Never has Keith said "You're fat and I find you unattractive." Hell, I've never even caught him oogling a prettier woman which means he's either A) way more slick than I could ever imagine or B) I really put too much stock in how I think I'm looked upon. It isn't as shallow as what I'm wearing because I'm shameless when it comes to clothes. I will wear the tackiest shit because I like it! But its because as the years go by its harder and harder to find clothes. I really don't like wearing what I can only call a 'tent'. I want to wear weird leg warmers and 3 shirts at the same time. Maybe some hot pink holographic tights under a skirt with a pair of worn out yellow Chuck Taylor's. But I can't. I'm too fat.

Then it comes back around. I'm too fat but I know working out won't do a thing for me. Argue all you want, but even in high school when I was what I would NOW call thin (5'4 140lbs) I ran more than a mile every day - yet still I was round. I had a belly pooch. I had dimples on my thighs. When I sat down my stomach still rolled over the top of my jeans! At one point I even did the no carb thing - and I didn't lose a pound. I only got more tired! I've been reading and at this stage in my life I am considered obese. I used to think that it took far more to be obese, but I've hit that mark. Women who weigh more than like 200lbs are considered obese, and that really bothers me. Not the WORD obese, but the health risks that come with it.

There are surgical procedures that can be done, but being on military health care I can't have a one of them. I don't see a Lt. Col. calling me back to surgery to have my gut stapled. It just won't happen. I also don't see how I would get anything like that done here in England where you are 3x as likely to die of easily curable cancers like colon cancer than in the States. And see, I've gone and freaked myself out. BAH!

Working out won't hurt anything. My shins won't let me run anymore due to all the hard running in high school for the tennis and softball teams - but I could ride an exercise bike I'd bet. I'm sure that if I started out with just like ... 15 mins on a bike then walked a mile or so on a treadmill that the results would start to show. I've heard NOTHING but GOOD things about pilates, but I don't think I live anywhere near a gym that offers such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'll do something. Sometime. Maybe.

I am NOT ready for my close-up

I have an appointment today at a hair salon to get my hair cut, and after that Keith and I have an appointment at a photography studio to get professional pictures taken. Sounds fab, huh? IT ISN'T!

I always get a bout of anxiety and get real 'uppidy' when it comes to things like this. Okay fine, you got me - I get high strung about nearly everything and have a little freak out session often ... but getting my hair cut is always one of those things that just freak me out!

Part of the reason is up until about 3 years ago, I had the same hair dresser since I was 9. She knew my hair. She knew that no matter what haircut I WANTED she always knew what would look better. The problem with getting a new hairdresser is if you walk in and say "I want my hair cut like THIS" that they will cut it like that and if its complete shite you're stuck with it. *MY* hairdresser would never do that to me. To make this all worse we're having pictures taken afterward.

So a stranger is going to be chopping at my hair and probably not caring if the haircut clashes with my fat face. She probably won't know that even though my hair has turned a brownish reddish color with my age - that it still shows EVERY cut you make as if it were still blond. I had the hardest time as a blond. It took *MY* hairdresser a few years to get the hang of cutting my hair just right so that you couldn't see every cut she made. When I was about 13 that "Rachel" haircut (y'know .. from friends?) with the millions of layers was in. I could not sport this haircut because of my blondish reddish naturally highlighted hair because every layer looked as if you had given me different facets of a bowl cut.

Will this hairdresser butcher my hair? Will she actually listen to the things I tell her like:

• I don't have a natural part
• Even though I don't have any cow licks - one side of my hair always seems longer than the other
• If I can't style it with and walk out the door in 10 minutes - I'll hate it
• Bangs/Fringe make my face look fatter and I don't care what you say
• I have a weird mole thing on my head so if you even HINT at it I'll be mortified
• Even if you thin my hair out its still REALLY thick and will take you a half hour to blow dry
• If you have to use a curling iron on my hair to make it look good - you're trying too hard
• I prefer to not use more than two products on my hair on the rare occasion i DO style it
• Take into consideration I get a haircut once a year when it hits that awkward grow out stage
• The messier the better

I know that all seems like a lot, and some if it is contradictory ... but will she even listen?! Will she humor me and just grin and nod and then just do her own thing? Does anyone else ever freak out like this before getting their hair cut? I feel so juvenile!

My other 'freak out' thing right now is pictures. The last time I had professional portraits done was in high school. I didn't mind it so much because hey - its a portrait and I thought I was totally friggin' hot back then. Well I've gained probably 50 pounds (if not MORE) since then, but was lucky enough to marry a very VERY attractive man. Now, I feel inferior in looks (which drives Keith up the WALL and he wishes I'd just stop it!) and I wish I were thin enough to hide behind him for this whole ordeal. Vertically, I can hide behind him - but otherwise FORGET IT! I know that these aren't going to be full nude pictures (or even partially for that matter) but I do know the extra work it takes to photograph such contrasting couples for classic portrait photography. I know that I would feel more comfortable if I could somehow take our pictures myself - but we'd end up with these 'weird' photos that would just play off our contrasting appearance and it would be more minimalist slash modern portraits .. but GAH!

Regardless of my level of freak out (we are at Def con Bravo right now on my Freak Out Meter, people!) I will end up somehow pulling myself together to do all of this stuff. I'll sit in that salon chair and make small talk while a strange lady touches that weird mole on my head. I will then probably have to go into a story saying how my mother AND grandmother both have a mole in that same spot, and probably then say the same for the one near my ear which we all 3 have in common. We'll talk about the weather and about what we got our families for Christmas. I'll then thank her for her work on my what COULD be butchered hair, then I'll pick Keith up from work. After that I'll stand around in a studio drooling over the cameras, asking the photographer what school they went to (if any), and simply wait for the discomfort which comes once they start squinting behind a tripod (because few photographers actually look through the finder anymore with these new digital thingies) while I keep saying "don't blink don't blink don't blink" to myself in my head.

Ugh, am I losing my mind?!

I was tagged.

So Hawk's tagged me, and I had no idea WTF I was being tagged for so I had to read. I like reading, fortunately. So here we are at the 'tagging' portion.

(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.



(1) I prefer hot drinks to cold ones. I will pick warm red wine over a cold beer any day of the week. I will drink a cup of tea or coffee before I will even think of cracking open a can of pop. I also tend to use a lot of sugar in my hot drinks (3 sugars and milk, please) which tend to make a lot of people shudder (especially here in England) but hey .. I like it!

(2) I took voice lessons for 9 years and am a 'classically' trained singer. I auditioned for a small part in the off-Broadway production of Phantom of the Opera in 1999. I sang on stage (ever so briefly) with Sara Brightman who was touring with the troupe and training the new Christine. Though it was only one song .. I thought I could have died happy at that moment. Unfortunately I was offered a job I didn't want (set construction) and turned it down. I addition to my voice lessons I was awarded a vocal scholarship to University of Missouri (Mizzou) but the scholarship didn't pay enough so it went to waste. I was awarded a walk on softball scholarship as well as a vocal and bright flight (I scored a 32 on my ACT) scholarships to a small community college. Also? I sing off key and stuff on purpose because I think my 'operatic' singing voice is odd and that anyone who is around to me to actually hear me sing would turn up their nose.

(3) If I my husband didn't demand otherwise - I would dress like Punky Brewster. I mean, even now my clothes are a hodge podge of things I pick up at Charity shops and I tend to heavily layer things. If he didn't have so much say in how I look publicly - I would most likely resemble a bag lady .. only without the stench.

(4) Apple juice makes me poop. A lot. I know its gross, but your average normal person should be able to drink a glass of apple juice without running to the bathroom an hour later! I am not average and can NOT drink much apple juice. Anything more than ohh .. a glass that you'd drink a cocktail out of is TOO much. I used to think it was an allergy, but I can eat apples! I don't know anymore .. I just avoid apple juice for the most part.

(5) I keep tarot cards in a blue Hello Kitty tin inside a purple velvet pouch. I used to search tirelessly for 'antique' tarot cards, but I could never tell how old any one card was :( So I gave up, and just keep the deck I was given when I was 15. Also? I've always wanted a crystal ball and have always wanted to make a living by being a 'fortune teller' or spellcaster. So far, no dice. But there have been a couple times I've thought about charging for tarot readings and stuff. Maybe. One day.

(6)I'm a sleep humper. It was embarrassing when I was younger. I'd be sleeping over at a friends' house, toss, turn, then do a little humpage on whatever. A pillow, leg, pet golden retriever .. whatever was RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I thought it was weird and perverse, but evidently its fairly common for people to do that sort of thing. Its just a different 'soothing' action when you're almost woken up. I've been doing it apparently since I was 2 (according to my mother).

(7)I can pooch out my stomach SO FAR that it looks like I'm like 135 months pregnant. I will also have to admit here that I have done this to cut in line at public bathrooms. Though I kinda feel bad for using my 'stupid human trick' to just cut in line .. I will say that if there were any elderly or if there were actually a pregnant woman in line then I would gladly give them my spot. I also threaten to have "Pregnant Days" when Keith is a butthole to me. He thinks its gross and creepy so I use it to my advantage. Piss me off? Oooh no! We're in public and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant with a 15 pound kid!

(8)I have victory dances for almost every kind of 'victory' imaginable. Such as:
Right Answer
They said Yes
I just shot someone (video game)
I got a headshot (video game)
OMFG I am so excited
Haha I'm doing this dance to embarass you
I can't believe you just admitted I was right
Haha I told you I was right
I just got a treat (candy/chocolate)
I just got a present (birthday)
I just got a present (holiday)
I just got a suprise (all occasions)
I love this show (TV/Series)
I love this song

The list goes on and on :/

so now I must tag folks. Eight of them ...

Jen
Saraa
Keith
WillowZ
Chris
Dave
Valerie
Stef

Wrestling and its Writers

I blame the fact that I am an 80s kid when it comes to my dorkiness. I fully admit to being a huge dork, and the extent of my dweebtastic self stretches far and wide.

As a kid in the 80s I loved loved LOVED watching wrestling on TV. It was a bonding type of thing between my somewhat psychotic Marine uncle and I. Violence was our link - sad but funny.

I never believed anyone when they said wrestling was scripted. I found it hard to believe that Hulk Hogan's sheer might didn't take down Andre the Giant and that they both knew who was going to win that match before they ever left the dressing room.

Sadly, I've come to terms with this dastardly truth just a few days ago. My uncle Julian isn't around for me to say "Wow dude you were right .." so I'll just consider this blogpost and the following video as a nod to those 'evil' things he said to me long ago. And here I told him he was just trying to steal the twinkle from my childhood. Turns out, he was right.

I am sooo not 'with' it

So this nerd test thing has been circling the blogs lately .. and I only sat down to do the thing today. And .. I'm not a bit suprised by the outcome. I know, I know - its a test based on MY answers so I shouldn't be surprised ...

Nail Polish feels like happy

Most know that it doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy. Ice cream makes me skip, and wild colored nail polish makes me sing.

I took Keith to his class the other night and decided that I needed some loud purple nail polish. My nails is the only 'girly' thing I do. I will spend money on a manicure before I buy myself new underwear or shoes. Its just my 'thing'. Anyway - I haven't owned any good, bright, or colorful nail polish since I moved to be with Keith. I keep forgetting that HE'S the one in the military - not me - so I don't have to conform to their rules. I don't have to keep my hair a certail length .. I don't have to dye my hair 'natural colors' only .. and I certainly can wear any color of nail polish I want! So I did!

I had forgotten how hard it was to paint my left hand (I'm right handed) and needless to say I made a bit of a mess on my fingers - but its the overall effect I was going for. Looking at my hands makes me go "WEEE!" so mission accomplished.

While I was out I also picked myself up some perfume. Seems every time Keith and I go to the BX I have to make a detour at the perfume rack and smell all kinds of perfumes. Most of them I don't like .. but I did find some that gave me a happy feeling inside when I smelled it. Keith said it smelled like cotton candy - which is probably why I like it so much ... but I bought a bottle. I later found out that it was 'made by' Britney Spears (its called Fantasy) but y'know if she ran around smelling like cotton candy maybe she'd be a happier person!

Today Keith decided to put a video idea into motion and started filming .. I was kinda BOOOOO about it because it was a REALLY pretty day .. and its going to start getting nippy here soon.

So Oct 13 or 14 he and I are going to the UK Machinima Festival since they are showing one of our videos .. and on Oct 26th we'll be giving a lecture in Southampton so we have a lot going on next month!

Proof that we do stuff

I was gonna do a song of the day - but I'll save it for a later post :)

Keith did watch his video finally. Well .. I kinda made him stop everything he was about to do Friday night when he came home from work and said "Watch you videooooo pleaseeee" (yes I know I whined so what?!)

He watched it and thought it was the cutest thing ever. I don't think I'm going to upload it to YouTube - mostly because I don't want to deal with random fuck wits. I mean seriously - no where on my video/description does it say "Please critique as cruelly as you'd like!" I guess I just feel too fragile for that - especially considering that its just footage of my avatar in some of my favorite places set to a song Keith and I both like ... meh maybe I'll upload it later and just delete the posts on it that are shitty.

Keith filmed a wedding Friday night. I just finished editing it. I'm sure he'll watch it when he comes home to see if I did an alright job - and if so he'll just leave it as the finished product. If not he'll fix whatever and then render it to the site for the folks to download.

We have less than a month until we go on our 3 week vacation - and neither of us has done a thing to prepare. Ugh I'm not even gonna go into all of it.

Played WoW a lot this week end and that's pretty much it. I'll probably harass Keith tomorrow and see if we can go somewhere this week end so he and I can hang out. I've been feeling all "RAWR" the past few days - though yesterday I really felt sick :( I'm over it now though! Ta-Da!

Oh and Willow - its quite alright. I didn't do too bad of a job shopping by myself. I didn't buy a single skirt for that reason alone (I hate ads! So many are enhanced so that prim skirts look better than they actually do) but I got some cute hair and a few shirts ('course some new legwarmers to replace my old KC ones omg they are ancient!) Eh well I'll update later or something. Really need to fold that laundry over there in the basket.