Ow My Feet

I've been working all week and my feet hurt. Standing on concrete in one place for 8 hours is definitely something that you can't just DO without like .. practice or something.

My job is so easy its insulting in a lot of ways. My 2nd day I was on my own and I felt like I was a special needs kid when they (in the main office) looked at me with wide eyes and called each other into the office to say that my drawer balanced out perfectly. It was insulting and embarrassing and I was more than mad about it - but of course I just sat there. I almost wiped at my mouth with my sleeve to see if I was drooling. I can't figure out why everyone thinks I should be so damned stupid!

I've let all that slide and I get up with Keith ever morning at 5am, get dressed, grab my ugly hat and we start our 15min drive to the base. I drop him off and slowly try to work out my frustrations before I pull into the parking lot of the hole-in-the-wall Food Cube. I'm a cashier and I hand guys in BDUs sandwiches that they order out on the flight line. Glamorous.

The pay is more than modest so I shouldn't complain, and its such an overall easy job that I should really shut my mouth ... so now I feel guilty for complaining.

Libby (our cat) has gotten bitchy now that I'm not home all day. I'm hoping she gets used to it soon and softens up again. We had JUST gotten her to actually like us where she would jump up on our lap and let us pet her and whatnot.

At least the lady I work with is nice. She's REALLY nice. She's got that rough type edge that I feel like I can relate to her, and at the same time she's so damned nice! I also made a couple buddies in the office and plan to start working out with them. Its a group of about 4 girls that are all the same level of fatass that I am, and they have invited me to hang out and work out with them.

Keith leaves next week. He'll be gone for 3 weeks in Morocco and I've already told him that he'd best bring me back something fucking phenomenal since he will be GONE for our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I'm pissy about that too, but what can ya do? I'll get over it. Besides the time alone might be nice. I might get some paintings done, and I'll most likely drive to Cambridge and hang out with Tree - and I'll also have the new chicks to go to the gym with. So this could be nice if I just relax a little.

So yeah I'm tired and pretty damned cranky and hopefully over the next week or so I will chill out and work myself into a routine groove where I can just calm down. I'm off to cook up some dinner since Keith will be home soon.

Work Work Work

Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.

The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.

I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.

Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.

I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.

Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.

I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!

For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.

Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.

I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?

Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.

So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!

Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...

My Weekend and Other Stuff

Keith and I went to Cambridge last weekend. I took him to Mill Road which is where Tree and I hang out when she and I get together. I even took him to the awesome cafe (The Black Cat Cafe) that Tree introduced me to. They simply have the BEST cafe latte I've ever had. He wasn't too impressed. He was more impressed with the fact that I knew my way around and got us FREE parking. Huzzah!

So we walked the 10 or so blocks to downtown where we found a store to buy some sheesha (flavored hookah tobacco) and even a new bowl! We came across a Chinese market where we stopped in to buy some Koalas (its candy) and some sugar coated fish jerky that we haven't eaten yet. We will get around to it though, and I'll post how bad or good it is. It just sounded odd so we bought it.

I updated my flickr account with some of the pictures we snapped. By the time we had walked around downtown for about a half hour my back was killing me. I really think its the shoes. Anyway, we went down to the market and looked at random things, and I even got a neato multicolored velvety top that I simply HAVE to find something to wear with.

I got a job, but am waiting for HRO (Human Resource Office) to call me back to set up an appointment for me to go in and fill in all the necessary paperwork for me to start working. So yay. Is it sad that I've already made a mental list of things I plan to buy with my paycheck? I've also decided that once I start work I will also start working out since Keith and I will be getting off work around the same time. This way it just feels like less hassle. He doesn't have to drive the 15 mins to come home and get me for us to drive the 15 mins back to the base to work out for an hour .. then drive back home.

A week ago I did my first real painting in years, and have already started on another. It isn't leet awesum or anything, but I'm still proud of it because its mine. I'll have to buy new supplies soon though. I have a nice sized canvas, but I need to either FIND a wood frame to staple it to, or just buy new canvases. New paint wouldn't hurt either. So here it is, my painting!




My bright pink hair has faded to a dirty pink - so I'm trying to decide if I want to dye it some other awesome color, or if I want to go back to normal. I really like having wild colored hair. It makes me feel more energetic, and just overall happy. I am definately not cutting my hair again, and am growing it back out to its once wonderous glory. I miss having long hair. I'm still trying to talk Keith into allowing dreds, but so far no dice.

The BEST

This is the BEST tomato juice on the face of the planet. Period.

I had my job interview yesterday and it didn't go too great. I was offered 10 hours a week, which means I would bring in a whopping 40ish bucks a week which really just isn't even worth the time.

So I'm holding out for a full time position. It was really just a big let down because .. well duh.

When I Say Your Name ...

stand up and say "Here." That will be short for "Here I am, rock you like a hurricane."

So as most everyone has probably noticed I haven't been posting. My daily life has gotten hectic, and I've been looking for a job. I have an interview tomorrow so I'll probably post how that whole thing goes ...

We'll probably be buying another car to make the back and forth easier for us both even though I will be working on the same base as Keith - I may not have the exact same hours. He's also taking another round of classes so things are about to get hectic.

I've taken a haitus from filming in SL - and it never fails that when I do take a break that I get about 10 IMs a day asking me to film a wedding. I'm just tired of the RL strain that filming causes. Keith and I fight because each of us thinks that we did more work than the other, and he just lacks any kind of appreciation or respect for anything I do. I'd rather just do something out of his all seeing eye so that he can't tell me that I don't 'do anything'.

And I almost went off on a rant there, but I somehow contained it.

Off to cook dinner!

Our Lecture at Solent University

Somehow we didn't kill each other in the car on the way to Solent University in Southampton, and made the three hour drive. The traffic made me antsy because folks on motorcycles here will weave through traffic at high speeds and it just makes me nervous!

The Jurys Inn that we stayed at was great! Even though I'll admit to having too much to drink, I'm always more outspoken due to letting the wine speak for me - everything was sooo much better than expected. Harold Frickner and I had a long chat about Second Life and its potential uses and how machinima on the platform can be so much more than avatars dancing.

At one point I thought I had an ear infection, but it turns out I have a wisdom tooth coming in which made my inner ear and jaw sore :( Anyway!

About 20 people came to our lecture - and though that seems like a small number there were only about 150 who registered for the event and there were 4 other lectures going on at the same time. I even pushed it so far as to do most of my end of the lecture in PowerPoint, which I hadn't messed with in forever.

It was painfully obvious that we aren't used to public speaking, but I think that our video content end of the lecture is what really captured peoples' attentions. We had a lot of interesting questions, and I was quite surprised to hear that some schools are already incorporating Second Life into their curriculum! I think my mention of SL being open source so that the school can host its own 'private' version of SL really piqued their interest.

Keith and I are hoping to continue giving 'lectures' to show the impact of machinima and how not only virtual worlds, but the open artistic freedom of platforms like Second Life can put a whole new spin on not just education - but the art of film making itself.

There are pictures somewhere - but we've misplaced the flash drive so I can't transfer the pictures onto my PC as of yet.

Earlier today I sat here at the PC and just said "WOW". Three years ago when Keith and I teamed up for our first machinima video, I never would have thought it would have taken us down the path we've been on. No we aren't making a sick amount of cash - but for the past two years we have been able to apply the money we DO make from our videos to things that have made our videos better.

Not only did I never expect for the two of us to be taken seriously, but I never expected anyone else to hold any kind of interest in what we do beyond just laughing at the funny videos we make. It really has been a very awesome experience that has taken me by complete suprise.

No, we haven't been offered any contracts - but we are able to still do what we love without having to worry about anyone dictating it. Machinima has become so mainstream that no one really bats an eye when we try to explain what we do as a hobby. I remember trying to explain everything to my family once upon a time, and I'm still not sure they get it - but at least someone does.

I gave my mom links to videos we've done, and though I really get the impression that she wasn't impressed - I think she at least now understands what it is.

At any rate - I was pleased with our lecture regardless of our lack of experience - and I hope that all virtual worlds (not just Second Life) have finally gotten cast in a light which goes beyond just scantily clad women and cheating spouses.

Just Random Tidbits

This post is just going to be bits and pieces of things as I think of them. No real subject matter already laid out or anything.

May 18th

That is the date in which Keith and I are expected to leave and move to England. Tomorrow is May 1st and I'm starting to get jittery. What if my visa doesn't come in on time? What if he has to leave without me? I'm sure everything will be fine, but it still weighs on me. I realize that there are women who live without their husbands and can handle that, but I'm not sure I can. I guess our story is a bit more 'odd' than most. I spent two years living without him, only to be with him for 7 months - only to go with the possibility of being away from him again?! That's just too much.

Videos

Keith has been compiling lots of WoW (World of Warcraft) footage and plans to make a huge video soon. He's already been very picky about the soundtrack so I've had to dive deep into my musicbox (aka harddrive) to find him a song which he will find suitable. So far, no luck. I did find a Prodigy v Faithless mix that he might settle for. We'll see. Oh and there were a couple Propellerheads tracks that he dug. Are they editing quality? I'm not sure.

Its hard for me to pick music for him like this when I haven't seen not even a sliver of the footage he's recorded. I realize that by sitting literally two feet away that I should know what he's shot - but I don't. I know the kids of things that I would record, but he and I have totally different artistic and cinematic eyes so I really can't speculate.

All my video work is still on hold until we get to England. I don't want to get involved in a project only to have to ditch it in a few weeks. Sure I could film and edit something within the same day - but I've really got lots and lots of ideas and I'd like to execute everything to the highest possible quality I can. But yeah ... once we're across the pond I'll work on it more.

Work & Home

I really think the issue of me not working is bothering Keith. In fact, I think he's a little jealous in some ways. He's made remarks that hurt my feelings a bit - but I'm sure he wasn't thinking when he said them. He goes to work 5 sometimes 7 days a week. This 'video stuff' is merely a hobby for him and therefore he doesn't see it as work. I understand that. Bah this is going to turn into a rant and I don't want that.

Second Life

Not a whole lot as far as SL is concerned. I mostly pop in to chat with friends and see if there are any cool locations built that I haven't seen yet. I haven't really put much time into it seeing how no one is wanting their weddings filmed and whatnot - therefore I spend my time reading, doing dorky dances, and researching the area we'll be living in once we move to England.

I think that's all.

Oh I bought a new skin. I've decided to go back to wearing my fun colored skins because I've missed them. I don't care who's wearing what ... I love wearing a purple skin. I had one as a noob .. then there was the Passport skins .. then the Hayley skins .. and now I'm back to my purple roots! :D

Cheers

Song of the Day