A LEEP of Faith?

So .... Friday I go in for what is called a LEEP. If you are squeamish - don't look it up on YouTube. I'll just summarize it: LEEP is where they take a hot wire to your cervix and slice off some chunks to test.

I already had biopsies of my uterus and cervix ... and they came back bad enough that I am now having this procedure. I can only assume this is to test where to bad tissue stops and the good tissue starts? I don't know because nothing has been explained to me worth a damn. I am also going to assume that is pretty damn serious because my lab results are coming back within 4 days - and each subsequent procedure is booked for the same week that labs are in. I was called on Thursday with lab results - and they booked me for the following Friday for this LEEP.

Right now I still haven't decided if I'm supposed to worry. Well, my indecisive -ness is because of the lack of information I am getting .. and I blame this on the military hospital. The 'doctors' I am seeing are not doctors. They are Nurse Practitioners. I honestly don't think they are qualified to tell me what they see on test results because they haven't told me anything.

When they took an endometrial (inside the uterus) sample for my biopsy ... that part was not explained to me. I was not aware that a long .. thing (I couldn't see) was being put INSIDE my uterus and twisted around (it literally sounded like a potato being peeled) for 5 minutes. It was painful. No one told me to take some tylenol before I came because there would be no kind of pain management used while taking the biopsies of my uterus and cervix. I showed up thinking I was basically getting a very in depth pap.

This time I have decided to prepare MYSELF. This was a bit of a mistake. I watched the procedure being done - and it just looks painful. Its humiliating and painful ... and I've already been warned to take 800mg of Motrin an hour before my appointment. I asked about 'real' pain medication for afterward ... but was just told "Motrin should be enough." Bullshit. Once the adrenaline from the stress of the procedure wears off .. I am going to hurt. I better get some damn drugs, damn it.

So much crap going on that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I'd like for everything to just be finished. This is also happening in the midst of us leaving to move to Germany in ... about 8 weeks. Yeah. Awesome timing.

On Stress, Worry, and Being Worn Thin

A lot has happened this week.

I realize that I haven't posted a blog in forever - but does that really matter? No. I blog when I think about it - and this week I've thought about a lot of things.

I don't even want to go into the whole backstory of everything. I almost don't even want to say what's been going on. Maybe if I just get the imaginary fat turd down the toilet then maybe I could stand the stench.

I am awaiting lab results. I had a colposcopy last week and am now waiting to be told whether or not I have cervical cancer.

Let me start off by saying that if a military doctor tells you "The procedure isn't painful, you'll be able to walk right out of here with no problem" tell them to kiss your ass and give you something for pain anyway. This procedure was the second time I have been told that it was 'minor' and 'almost totally painless' ... the first time was when I had 3 wisdom teeth sawed out of my jaw then sent home with no pain medication and no stitches.

This time - I had some sort of spork rammed into my uterus where they proceeded to scrape at things so loudly you could hear what sounded like potatoes being peeled, as well as taking biopsies of my cervix. The cervix part wasn't too painful - until the person doing my biopsy said "uh oh" and asked the assistant to go get some Colonel. Apparently even in 2011 military medicine hasn't progressed much passed the MASH 4077 or something. All I could hear before the biopsy lady was interrupted was: "I was trying to take a biopsy of the abnormality at 12 o'clock when .. well the tissue was so soft .. and ..." then the Colonel asked "You ok? You feeling faint or nauseous or anything?"

3 hours. That's how long it took. That's how long I was spread eagle on a tiny table with 3 people all looking at this microscope thing seeing inside my vagina. 3 hours and 4 flat hospital bed pads full of blood later - I am told to just hop off the table, get dressed, and walk myself out.

Here's my main complaint about the procedure. I was not told that anything was going to be put in my uterus. It was very painful. Its still painful 3 days later. I was only told that there would be a sample taken from my cervical opening -- but I was not prepared for the pain of having the inside of my uterus scraped at for 10 minutes. I was not advised to take any pain relief medication before my appointment - which might have helped with some of the pain - but was also given nothing after the procedure itself. I've now only been told that the samples will be tested in pathology and I will receive a phone call by Tuesday the 22nd with results.

I'm thinking that maybe once I have those results that I will be more prepared to talk about things - but since everything is kind of hanging in the balance I don't want to think one way or another right now.

Sometimes Life Will Drop Kick You

Its true. Sometimes you'll get punted in the face by life.

Someone mentioned suicide today on a blog. I was horrified to the point of almost tears reading the comments. Never EVER should mention of suicide be taken as a joke or a bid for attention.

My 'crazy' uncle Julian committed suicide December 23 2000. As time has passed we've (and by we I mean my family) learned that Julian wasn't crazy - he was mentally ill. He had depression and very likely schizophrenia. He saw no other option for himself because he had no support system. My grandmother (his mother) had just moved away. He was an ex Marine who had seen the ugliest side of war. His second marriage was failing, and he was probably more than worn out from being a cross country truck driver for 10 years.

He gave his friends plenty of warning signs. He boxed up all his belongings (including a massive arsenal of guns) and put them all in storage. He dropped the key off with someone, but left no explanation. He spent a weekend with his best friend after he had given away or stored away all his possessions. Julian had left a 3 page note which rambled but did not explain his reasons for suicide. He took his small pick up truck and a gun into the desert in Arizona and killed himself. No real explanation, no consolable insight. Nothing. He's just gone.

My family has not been the same since his suicide. We spent many years asking ourselves "why" and trying to see ways that we could have helped him. What could have prevented his suicide was seeing the warning signs and taking action.

Here are some warning sings that someone is suicidal:

• Threatening to kill/harm themselves or expressing the thought of doing so.
• Talking/writing about death/suicide when such topics are out of character for them.
• Hopelessness
• Rage, uncontrollable anger and revenge seeking.
• Reckless actions or getting into risky situations without thinking twice.
• Increased alcohol or drug use.
• Withdrawing from friends/family.
• Giving away possessions.

In the US ALONE someone takes their own life every 17 minutes. Suicide has been in the top 10 causes of death in the US for the past 50 years and the number of deaths due to suicide rises exponentially every year.

90% of the time the cause of suicide is untreated depression.

Listen, life is hard. Holding onto your life when your knuckles are already white from the grip that's loosening is hard- but there are people who can and will help.

You may think things are bad and that you don't want to live any longer. But when you go, you are taking a piece of every family member and friend with you. Some of those people may even wish to join you when you are gone. It is a cycle that will repeat.

Your life is precious to someone whether you see that or not.

Depression IS treatable. Suicide IS preventable. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem.

There are numbers you can call to start down the road to seeking help. If your loved one had cancer - wouldn't you see to it that they got the care they needed? Depression is no different.

In the US

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-877-Vet2Vet (1-877-838-2838) Veterans Peer Support Line

1-800-SUICIDA (1-800-784-2432) EN ESPANOL

1-800-PPD-MOMS (1-800-773-6667) Post Pardum Depression

Volunteers are what make hotlines such as those I listed above. Please consider becoming a volunteer: http://www.hopeline.com/volunteer.html

Blog Fail.

Holy crap has it really been almost a YEAR since I blogged? Total blog fail.

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this (or ever did) so its always just been here when I get to it. Today I'm getting to it.

Keith and I took a totally amazing cruise vacation and made the Eastern Mediterranean our bitch. We stayed in Rome about 4 days before embarking on our cruise. We went to:

Rome, Italy

Naples, Italy

Capri, Italy

Sorrento, Italy

Pompei, Italy

Athens, Greece

Rhodes, Greece

Kusadasi, Turkey

Ephesis, Turkey

Alexandria, Egypt

Cairo, Egypt

Giza, Egypt

Taormina, Sicily

All that in 16 days! It was insane. I have a lot to talk about our adventures - but one big post just won't sum it up. Well technically I guess it could sum it up, but I wouldn't be doing those places any favours.

The weight loss is going horribly - but that's because I haven't been to the gym in forever.

The past 6 months or so (at least) around here has been so insanely crazy I just don't know where to even begin.

It started with the prospect of Keith deploying, then our whole cruise was like a countdown to deployment because he was supposed to leave 8 days after we got back. THEN they said "You aren't deploying" and now I worry that he'll come home from work one day and say "Welp honey I'm deploying". Its just an emotional rollercoaster.

So what now? Well I'm trying to get un-depressed at the moment. I'm not sure what's really caused it. Maybe the snap back to reality after a super awesome vacation ... or the fact that I feel horrible after spending 5 months mentally and emotionally preparing myself for another deployment only for it NOT to happen - but I am kinda depressed. I'm hoping that after this week of doing almost nothing that next week I can make myself so busy that I don't even have time to think.

The Long Slow Road of Weight Loss

Losing weight is hard. Period. I don't think I've ever done anything physically so hard in all my life. Granted, I haven't been as ROAR about it as I should be - but its still hard.

For the past 8 weeks I have been going to the gym on average twice a week. The physiotherpaist told me to go at least 3 times a week. I'm sorry mini Tony Little, I've let you down. I've let me down, too.

At first just going to the gym was hard. It required a lot of mental preparation on my part. Maybe it will be easier to understand if I explain things a little. As most everyone knows, my husband is in the military. We are stationed in England but we do not live on the military base. We live about 30 miles away. Anyway - I go to the gym on the nearest military base. The nearest base is all fighter jets so at any given moment you totally have a Top Gun moment with F-15s screaming overhead and you can't help but hum a few lines from "Danger Zone".

The gym is full of tall, lanky, lean men between the ages of 18 and 40. Even the women are very lean. My sensibile side says to me that I am there for the same reasons they are: to be healthy - but my immature no self-esteem having side says "They're all laughing at you." Are they laughing at me? Maybe - but at some point I have got to stop letting that thought (and its only a thought because I have never seen or heard anyone ever laugh at me) bother me so much.

At my last doctor's appointment (around July 6th) I had lost 6lb. That's a total of losing roughly one pound a week. Does anyone know the internal heartbreak of working your ass off in a gym up to 2 hours a day twice a week for a measly damn pound?! Its so discouraging!!! All those weeks of all that work and I'd only lost 6lbs. I was so hurt when I saw the scale. I'm still hurt in a lot of ways. BUT even just losing a very depressing one pound a week is the largest weight loss I've had in over 10 years. So honestly, I should look at it that way. Its still progress, even if the progress is slow and unrewarding in its tempo.

What I'd wanted to do was post pictures to chart my progress in this journey - but I haven't yet got that kind of confidence. Will I ever have it? I don't know. I hope I will! Unfortunately right now I do not and to save myself the anxiety I am just not going the whole picture posting thing. Yet. I definitely plan to, just not now is all.

Losing weight is more mental than physical. Yes there is a lot of physical activity - but its more of a mental struggle than anything. Once I get to the gym and get on some rhythmic machine that forces me to do more exercise than I feel comfortable with - I'm fine. I don't have a thought in the world other than "Is it time to leave yet?" But in all honesty it took me 2 hours of me psychologically beating my own ass just to GET me there in the first place. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't done enough. I know in my heart that I could work out FAR FAR FARRR more than I currently do - but mentally and emotionally it takes so damn much out of me just to go work out. Being sweaty and sore doesn't bother me even a fraction as much as psyching myself up to go does. But once I'm back home and I've worked out so hard that I can't feel my arms or legs I tell myself "This better be worth it."

I don't have the right attitude, and I know it. At the same time - I don't know how to fix it. Of course I thought at first that my frame of mind would change but it hasn't. Regardless I know that I must continue to exercise in order to lose weight and get healthy. But at this point I have replaced one form of bad health with another.

Being healthy is multi dimentional. You must have physical health as well as mental and spiritual health. Right now I am severely lacking in the mental health department. I recognize this, but at the same time I'm coming up empty handed on how to go at this problem and really get things going in the right direction. Maybe I need to busy myself mentally with more things so that I spend less time worring about going to the gym and instead simply see the gym as part of my routine or schedule which has to be done on a regular basis. Like shaving my legs or scrubbing the toilet. I don't particularly enjoy either of those things - but they are things that I know I have to do every so often.

That's got to be the answer. The gym is like scrubbing the toilet. If you wait more than a week then its going to be really shitty.

Its Hard to Say Goodbye to Old Friends

Recently I've had to say goodbye to a good friend of mine. He was protective, modest .. the kind of friend you could get naked around without even batting an eye. I loved this lil guy to DEATH but I'm glad that I've been able to move on. It hasn't been easy. This friend I speak of was my Epic Win Kitty Cat Shower Curtain of AWESOME (pictured above. Click for larger view)

I got rid of my old shower curtain that has brought me (and people who use my bathroom) numerous laughs over the past 2 years. I love having weird crap like my kitty cat shower curtain. Its one of those things that you see at the store and I say "Wow that is so fucking awesome. I be NO ONE has one of these in their house." And usually they don't. Its one of those talents I have for being drawn to 'awesomely bad' things.

I told a few people about my kitty cat shower curtain but I don't think they believed me. By the time I thought to take a picture before throwing it out -- I had already taken it off the shower hanger and had to lay it in the hall floor to snap the picture (which explains the pink and red carpeting).

The Epic Win Kitty Shower Curtain of Awesome was starting to be more trouble than it was worth. One - I was having to scrub it at least twice a week because of soapy scummy-ness making the clear plastic look cloudy. Two - it always got stuck to your damn leg while you were taking a shower!!! I always hated that!

So, my Epic Win Kitty Shower Curtain of Awesome has been replaced. Keith argued with me in the store for about 10 minutes until I said "Fuck it. I like this one and I'm getting it. BLAM! Gimme it." and it was mine. Well .. ours - but mostly mine.

Without further adeu - I present:

The Psychodelic Rainbow Frogs of Pwnd shower curtain... along with a few other things in my bathroom like ... Hello Kitty band-aids, pommegranite smelling hand soap, Dove face cleansing cloths and some toothpaste.

The Psychodelic Rainbow Frogs of Pwnd (click for bigger pic)

Just thought I'd share :) I do really miss the kitty cat shower curtain though :(

My Weight Tale and The Gym

Today I met with a physiotherapist to start a workout regime to help me take off this weight that a lifetime of a non-working thyroid has put on me. Before I get down to the nitty gritty I'll give some background (sorry I don't have pictures - my parents have all my childhood pictures and they are in the States and I'm in the UK for at least 2 more years.)

I was born 6lb 9oz to a very young mother and was likely a bit premature. I was a very chubby baby and stayed round (imagine Dora the Explorer) until I was about 6. I suddenly got really thin, but that was probably my diet at the time and not the amount of exercise I was getting. To be honest I don't really remember playing outside a lot. I taught myself to ride a bike when I was 5 and was what is now called a latch-key kid. The way I understand it - being a latch-key kid was a very normal thing in the 80s.

My thin spurt didn't last and by the time I was 10 I was wearing the same clothes as my mother (about a size 4 in US women's sizes) and was very round. I went swimming almost every day in the summer as well as playing soccer one summer and playing girls' softball every year until I was 19. I got so big in fact, that my parents had a hard time buying clothes for me. I couldn't quite wear women's clothes because I had no chest to fill out the shirts, I was too short, and the neck and arm holes were too big. I couldn't quite wear women's pants because I just lacked the correct proportions.

My early teens are filled with memories of squeezing into jeans, or worse: my poor dad giving me a loving pat on the back when I had to wear jeans that had elastic backs or sides - or full elastic waists. I kept getting fat - but my parents were convinced that I was eating too much, or sneaking food, or maybe even eating things like sweets while at friends' houses (even though I don't recall having more than 1 friend until I was about 14.)

I started wearing bras when I was only in the 3rd grade. Not because I actually had breasts - but because I was so fat that my body does what most female bodies do and started storing fat in my breasts. Okay, so maybe I did kinda have breasts. But still - it was because of my weight not because of development. Of course I was teased a lot by the boys - but somehow I had the bra conversation with my dad. Did I have to wear it? Was there a way that I could wear it without everyone being able to tell? I had come home from school bawling my 9 year old eyes out. The TV was on (we only had 3 channels) and some random episode of The Brady Bunch was on. Dad pointed out to me "Hey look. Marcia is wearing a bra and she's on TV and you don't see anyone making fun of her. Those kids are just little bastards and are probably just jealous because you have something they don't. They're just too young to realize it yet." I didn't mind bras so much after that.

I slowly got bigger. My mom had an appendectomy and a hysterectomy when I was 13 which caused her to go from a healthy US size 8 to a tiny size 4. She was THRILLED to be that 'small' again, I was mad. The clothes she and I used to share were now just mine because they were too big for her. I no longer had a 'peer' when it came to clothes and instead was the outsider. My mom got to wear all the clothes I should've been wearing while I was stuck wearing slightly less frilly/pretty/stylish ones.

I had 2 girl cousins that were only about 3 years older than me - both of which were slender. At the age where most girls were raiding each other's closets; I had my closet all to myself. None of my friends had to worry about me borrowing a top and not returning it because chances are I couldn't wear their damn shirts anyway. And it gets worse.

When I was 14 I had my first real boyfriend. We were both in 8th grade. By this time I had developed a very over-compensating personality to make me more 'fun' so that people wouldn't notice my acne (which was getting WAY out of hand by this point) or my weight - which was in the 160 range. So winter rolls around and my boyfriend and I do what most tween couples do .. he gave me his jacket. Very cute gesture and all - but I was too fat to wear it. The big embarrassment? (Brace for impact) Even though I was too fat to wear it - I CARRIED his stupid Hornets (I think it was a basketball team?) jacket around and wore my own jacket.

Believe it or not - I wasn't the fattest kid at the school. Even though I was probably in the top 5 - there was one fatter. His name was Amos. Sweet kid. Super smart. Anyway - the 8th grade dance rolls around and of course me and my Hornets Jacket boyfriend have broken up because he's now hooked up with a cheerleader. I went to the dance anyway because 1- entry fee was a can of food which was donated to the local food bank so I was TOTALLY for that. And 2- I had already developed my "I don't care what you think I'll do what I want" attitude. So I went.

It wasn't incredibly fun as I remember. The skinny pretty girls were all crowded up on the dance floor area while I played Super Nintendo in the back room with all the guys that were punching each other in the arms hoping they'll wreck each other while playing Mario Kart. At some point someone talked me into going into the dance area and I got a little funky. Yeah fat girl busted out some fresh moves like the running man. I was like a fat female Vanilla Ice. The other kids were soo jealous. Anyway - so a slow song comes on and I don't have a boyfriend. Hornets Jacket was dancing with his new cheerleader girlfriend so what do I do? I decided right then that I was going to find the one kid who never thought they'd ever dance with a girl and dance with them. I slow danced with Amos. It was awkward, but the look on his face ... I still remember it to this day. He was so pleased with himself - and he was probably the only other 8th grader there that didn't go "Oh man Jennifer is coming over here with her loud mouth and fat ass."

8th grade ended and the summer before Freshman Year started. Somehow I lost weight. I was wearing a US size 5 and I was pretty damn pleased with myself. I hadn't been THAT thin since I was like .. 11. The first day of school people were freaking out about how hot I was, and I immediately hated all that attention. I was still the same person - I just had less fat. The popular kids were trying to get me in their little group. The jocks were hitting on me. Seniors were trying to get me to go out on date with them .. it was just really upsetting.

I started dying my hair and wearing mismatched clothes from places like .. Salvation Army. I found old clothes at my Grandmother's house (dresses from like the late 40s early 50s) and would wear those with combat boots. You have to take into mind that this was the time that Grunge was still kinda big - Dazed and Confused was every highschooler's favorite movie - and Z.Cavaricci is what every teenage girl was throwing tantrums to make their parents buy them. I somehow faded into obscurity. The girls didn't understand why I'd dress the way I do when I was so 'thin and pretty' and the guys just thought I was insane.

I stayed at a healthy, toned 130lbs until Junior year when I got fat again. How? I don't know. I was on the tennis team all through highschool which meant that every day after practice I ran a mile and a half. Every spring I was on the highschool softball team which meant that I ran a lot then too. I just got fat again. I didn't know why - but by that time I didn't care. I went from 130 freshman year to about 160 by the end of my junior year.

Senior year rolls around and I went down to about 140. I think its because I was doing a full 7 hour highschool classes, 2 sports, night classes for college and working. I don't remember really eating other than when I worked (and at this time I worked at a diner.) My thin-ness didn't last but maybe another year when I put on a whopping 40lbs in one year. I started exercising by running a mile or two a day and going to the local pool every day during the summer. It wasn't working.

8 years ago I weighed 180lbs and wore a US size 12. I couldn't shop at the department stores anymore which I had started to really like. No more Guess or BeBe jeans for me. They didn't make that stuff for fatties. I now had to shop at Famous Barr in the Plus Size section. I didn't like it at first, but I got used to it.

3 years ago I weighed 210 and wore a US size 16. I could ONLY shop at stores that were geared for plus size women - and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't even buy bras or underwear at a damn Wal Mart because they didn't have my size.

On May 5th I was measured, weighed - everything. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 265lbs. For the last year I have been exercising almost to the point where its excruciating and I have not lost a single pound. In fact I have gained (on average) 10-20lbs a year for my entire life. I've done every fad diet - and even switched to whole foods and nothing was working. Why? Why am I sitting here and getting fatter and fatter?!

Before Keith and I took our trip to Germany I said I needed new clothes so that I don't have to wear sweatpants everywhere we go. I went to all the local shops - I was too fat. Nothing above a size US 18 (UK 16). I even went to the BX on base - nothing above a US 16. I had to buy clothes online. Luckily I found a plus size shop called Torrid that had great patterns and colors so that I don't have to wear a damn tent. Still - it was depressing. Even at this plus size specialty store - the biggest size they had is a US 22. I am a US 22. I am as big as clothing gets .. and that set me over the edge.

I decided that all these problems can't just be me. I am not sneaking food. I am doing lots of physical activity every single day. I am eating pretty damn healthy and still I continue to gain weight.

Thyroid. Its one of those things about your body that you don't really pay attention to until its not doing its job ... and apparently mine has never really worked. My thyroid has been functioning at 4x LESS that it should be for probably my entire life. My cholesterol is decent (120) my bloodpressure isn't too bad (102/86 - which I think is wonderful for someone as big as me) and I've still packed on weight.

I initially went to the doctor because of menopausal symptoms. I was scared. I'm 28 and experiencing every symptom of menopause in the book. It isn't menopause - but my pituitary gland is worn out. All these years my pituitary gland has been trying to produce not only my normal hormones, but has been trying to pick up the slack that my thyroid left. Not good, but also not necessarily permanent.

I've been on thyroid medication for a week now - and already I feel amazing. I'm still fat - but I am so relieved to know that this one silly pill once a day is going to make all this working out I do actually WORK.

Today I met with a physiotherapist who I shocked the hell out of. He had me doing some strength training reps - and was amazed that even though I'm so huge - I am not really out of 'shape'. I can bike a mile in 6 minutes. I can do 2 sets of 10 of anything you throw at me and do it in perfect form. I can do 'body squats' just as well as someone 1/3 my size.

I realize that all this is probably WAY more info than anyone ever wanted to read about me (if anyone besides me reads this). Losing all this weight that a lifetime has put on me isn't going to be easy - but just knowing that I haven't done this to myself has taken a lot of weight off me mentally.

I always hated going to the gym because I'm always the fattest person there. Today - I didn't care. Those fuckers can think whatever they want about me cuz I know they aren't going to say anything. I will be SO glad to get on an airplane and fasten the seat belt without having to suck in a little. I will be SOO glad to be able to sit in any kind of seat and not feel like the chair is giving me a hug from behind because I fit into it so snugly. Most of all - I will be SOOO glad to be able to LOOK how I've always FELT for once.

I hope that maybe someone can draw some inspiration from some of this and just know that change is always possible. Motivation isn't instant - and usually the things that take the MOST motivation are the most rewarding.

So Long to SL Machinima/My Old YouTube Account

As most everyone knows or has noticed - I haven't done videos in SL in well over a year now. I used to get a kick out of making videos and stretching my editing muscles, but those days are over.

It started with filming peoples' weddings, then moved on to other projects - but I no longer have interest in such things. As a matter of fact, SL itself has pretty much served its purpose for me. Will I be leaving SL? Hell I only log in now to talk to friends every now and then as it is.

About 7 months ago some random person I don't even know had posted a video response to an old video of mine. Before allowing it as a response I viewed their video and wasn't too impressed. I understand that with hobbies and even real work that when you start out you're no good. I mean hell, Keith and I weren't that great when we started out either. He had video editing knowledge but unfortunately SL lacked the ability to give us the results we wanted. Anyway - I am off track.

So this person's video was of them dancing in a single animated loop for about 5 minutes to a song. Typical youtube video on most accounts, really. Since I didn't feel their video was an actual response to me - I didn't allow it to be marked as a video response. They took it upon themselves to say something like "All I was doing was showing you how much better these new dances are compared to the ones you showed". Fine. Still, it wasn't what I would consider an actual video response.

Over the course of a few weeks (about 3) all their friends were sending me nasty messages on YouTube which I chose to ignore. I had critiqued their video after being harassed saying "Hey next time try putting in some transitions or at least do more than one animation" - which I find to be a very NICE critique considering the content. Apparently giving anyone your opinion when there is room for improvement is a bad thing and this should never be done.

The nasty messages on YouTube continued until I decided to not allow comments, replies or ratings and put a big long rant in the description box which ended with : I understand that not allowing comments, ratings, or replies ruins the entire spirit of what YouTube, SecondLife and Machinima is all about - but I refuse to be harassed over something so juvenile. Way to go shebaspyker &co. Way to ruin it for everyone.

Today I logged into SL to talk to my RL friend Stef and recieved an offline saying (and I'm paraphrasing):
Your little rant on YouTube has really upset my girl Sheba. She doesn't dictate me or tell me who to go off on or anything like that. I don't know who has been contacting you and caused you to go off on this rant - and I don't know the laws in the UK but in the US you can be sued for slander for publishing comments about someone. I'm contacting YouTube and they'll probably delete your account.

I was going to respond to this .. um .. guy (I'm being way too nice) but decided to just put him on ignore. After sitting and thinking about it a while I decided to just delete my YouTube account myself. There are lots of reasons I did it - their harassment not really ranking very high - but if it'll save me a few minutes of telling strangers to "go back to your Gorean RP and stop being so butthurt over the fact that your friend makes shitty videos" then that's a bonus.

My live has evolved beyond SL. I joined SL as a lost 24 year old looking for an escape from the small town life I was trapped in. I found that escape and I relished it. I lived for it in a lot of ways. I was able to express myself in ways that I couldn't do beyond dying my hair purple and causing everyone in town to stare at me. Then I met Keith.

SL then evolved from fun pasttime to vital means of communication to a way of being physically close to someone when it wasn't actually physically possible. As most know, we're now married (just celebrated our 2yr wedding anniversary in March) and have the means of being actually physically close.

We started making videos in SL as a way to fund trips between Illinois and Missouri and thought it was rather 'cute' that we did so by filming other people's SL weddings. Because of all those weddings we were able to save up money to travel to see each other for 3 years before I made the big move after he had finished Basic Training and had been stationed in Oklahoma. The money we made from those videos allowed me to move to Oklahoma and afford things while we figured out exactly what we were going to do next.

Now that we don't need the money from making videos - we don't make videos. Not only do we not need the money but we also don't need the stress. Getting up at 2am to film a 3 hour wedding then turn around and spend 2 hours editing it to upload it - all for about $40 is just not worth it.

Will I still make videos in SL? Maybe, but it will be a leisure activity. Will I dedicate an entire YouTube channel to it again? No. I already have another YouTube account which I planned to post things like my nail art designs and maybe do some makeup tricks - but I won't do the whole SL thing again. Like I said - SL and SL Machinima have served theirpurpose for me and I think its more than time that the torch be passed to someone else.

I've tried for years to mentor those that were interested in making machinima. I love talking to people who are so eager to learn that I feel that my opinion is actually valued. I really love it when people ask me "How did you do that?!" but I don't feel that SL Machinima is my 'thing' anymore. I guess you could say I've just lost the passion for it.

I blog about SL on TheRev - but I never feel that my opinions on anything are valid. Why? A combination of things. I've been in SL so long that most of the people who are 'respected' or whatever don't even know WTF I talk about when I talk about anything that was 'big' or was going on in SL before like .. 07. I also feel like I'm not in SL or up to speed on things that are going on in SL like I used to be, and therefor have no real business in talking about SL. Some people eat, drink and breathe SL (and I used to be one of them!) but I've just moved on.

So in short - my SL videos that used to be on my YouTube account no longer exist. I deleted everything as a nod to myself that 'Yes, its definitely time to move on. Whatever that was, it isn't you anymore.'

As for my nail art/beauty/health/makeup blog thing - once I get that rolling I'm sure I'll post the info here somewhere.

Oh Blog, How I've Neglected You

As anyone can see I have severely neglected my blog. Why? I'm not entirely sure. Well a couple reasons, really.

I was planning a trip to Germany - which is done and over.

And the weather here in England has been so nice that I haven't been indoors a whole lot.

I know, neither are really good excuses - but I'm back on the Blog-train so let's get this thing rollin'!


Keith and I spent 6 glorious days in Germany at the Edelweiss resort which was ah-may-zing!! Due to me being neurotic we flew instead of driving. For me its just nice knowing I don't have to worry about getting from point A to point B. I really enjoy just sitting back and not worrying for a change.

I don't want to go all picture crazy, so here's a link to the flikr set that Keith uploaded: Germany Picture Set. Bare in mind that is only a small piece of the 500 pictures we took - but since we have a free flikr account we're limited in what we can upload every month ... so more pictures will be uploaded in May.

Long Time No Post

I've neglected my blog a bit - and it shows. Its all for good reason, though (kinda.)

Keith's been gone all day over at his friends house playing video games and I've been working on random things here and there.

Things are a big weird between us at the moment. He hasn't even been home from Iraq as long as he was IN Iraq yet already he's taken over everything and changed the way that I've done everything for those 5 months he was gone. Its frustrating.

I thought that all that junk people say about when their men come home was a load of rubbish. No way would I get mad because he's put the towels somewhere that I haven't been putting them - that's dumb. Its insane that couples would fight over what day to do the grocery shopping! But for the most part its kinda true.

When you're forced to adapt to a foreign situation and not given any transition time - you quickly develop your own way of doing things. When you used to share housework you now do it all yourself and you find your own routine of things that you become comfortable with and maybe even enjoy. Then when your man (or woman I guess) comes home it all gets blown out of the water.

Maybe you enjoyed splurging on a caramel mochiato from Starbuck's once a week, but now you can't. It could be that you enjoyed doing the grocery shopping without a list and just getting things you liked, but you can't anymore. Perhaps you even stacked the dishes in the sink a certain way before you actually washed them, but now things are just all helter skelter in the kitchen. These all seem like small trivial things - but its hard not to take it personally when your significant other throws out your way and demands a different way.

It makes me miss the days that when I didn't want to cook I'd eat a bowl of rice with tons of butter and a couple spoons of sugar. I am so so glad my husband is home, but at the same time I resent him for changing everything that I worked so hard to put in order in his absense.

I don't want to say he doesn't respect me - because I like to think he does - but I think that maybe he doesn't think about things. He doesn't know how it was for me here at home because he wasn't here. He doesn't understand why I get frustrated when I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it. Well its because for 5 months if I wanted something done I had to do it - and now that I have someone to help I expect it to be done when I ask. Only because I am used to it being done right when I wanted it done because I did it myself. At this moment I am seeing just how complicated this whole matter is.

Even though I:

cook every night
Do the dishes
Make sure he takes bills with him to work so they get paid
Check account balances so that he doesn't overdraw the checking (he does it a lot)
feed the cat
do the litter box
wash the clothes
vaccum
pack his lunch (which sometimes involves cooking/packing a breakfast as well)

He just makes me feel like I'm useless. I'm the one who doesn't work so I should be just living it up at home while he's gone all day. That isn't how it works.

I quit my job on his advice. They weren't going to allow me to have the 15 days off immediately following Keith's return from Iraq and Keith said "Fuck 'em. Just quit." so I did. I quit my job. This is the job I took after hearing him bitch for 6 months (roughly) about how he feels he has too much responsibility and I don't. The job that he still reminded me almost daily that his job is harder than. The job that I would come home from and STILL do almost all those things listed above.

I haven't had a job since the 2nd week of September (he came back the last week of that month.) And even though while he was still in Iraq and promised me that 'this time' it would be different. This time he wouldn't belittle me and make me feel unimportant. This time he promised he wouldn't make comments about HIS money or things I'm not allowed to buy because HE thinks it isn't needed. It only took about a month for all those promises to be forgotten.

Day in, day out I am in this house. Sometimes I walk into the village to buy a pasty or some tobacco and papers - but that only happens once or so a month. I can't be arsed to walk the mile to the village if its raining or too cold. I just won't. Anyway - I'm always at home. I guess always being at home and having no interaction with the outside world apart from an occasional phone call, Ventrillo, or SL is his idea of heaven.

I've gone off on a huge tangeant but in a way I don't really mind. Its all stuff that's bothered me that we have either discussed a half million times - or I just don't have the energy to have a 'discussion' about. I'm just frustrated is all. We've done all this before - and now we're doing it all again.

He thinks I'm being immature in thinking that he's being controlling. I think he's just being more of a dick for clamping down even harder for no apparent reason. I can't spend a few bucks on a burger from Burger King cuz its a waste of money. BUT he can pretty much do whatever he wants because its his money (he reminds me that its his money any time I talk about buying something.) Am I just being immature? Afterall he's the one who works so technically it IS his money -- but don't I earn some of that by doing all those things in that list? I mean, that's sometimes a full 8-12 hours of work a day.

I don't know. I just know I'm frustrated with how things have been going. I feel like I'm kind of ignored in the equality department. Granted, last time I didn't work I expected Keith to do half of everything here at the house. I don't expect him to do that now - but I do expect to be treated equally. I don't like feeling that I'm less of a contributor just because I don't leave the house to work. I do work. if I didn't we'd live in a mound of filth and he'd never eat or have clean clothes.

Bah.

Men.

Holiday ... sushi?!

That's right. Yesterday the husband and I put up our badass Christmas tree and I made us sushi for dinner. Sushi doesn't mean 'raw fish' (for those that don't know) and doesn't even HAVE to contain any kind of seafood. As a matter of fact: the ever popular California Rolls don't contain any seafood at all. They have nori (seaweed wrapper), avocado, carrot and usually a tiny bit of wasabi or wasabi mayonnaise. I did use seafood however.

I thought for blogger's sake (and for a bit of my own good, really) that I would post how I made the sushi step by step. It isn't as easy as just using boil in the bag rice and saying "TADA!" I wish it were! Instead - you'll have to allow at least a half hour just for the rice and a good half hour or more for prepping your sushi stuffers. So all in all - though sushi is easy and fairly quick - there is a lot of prep time involved. Let's get started! (don't worry I'll blog about other crap later!)

First you'll need some rice vinegar. Will regular vinegar work? Probably! I haven't tried it - but I would think that vinegar is vinegar. I wouldn't use white vinegar though. And I definitely wouldn't use normal vinegar if you can get your hands on real rice vinegar! That would just be silly wouldn't it?

This is the exact bottle of rice vinegar I use. Pic taken in my messy kitchen while making sushi. Forgive the mess, please! This is a very common brand, by the way.

You will also need single grain rice. You can NOT use instant rice or 'boil in the bag' rice!!! The rice will not be sticky enough and each grain will CRUSH! In sushi - each grain is very visible inside(or outside depending how you prefer!) and the rice is very sticky. Instant, boil in the bag, and normal white rice are NOT suitable for sushi making. Don't do it, mkay?

So here's the exact rice I use. As far as I know - its pretty common.

And the other thing you'll need (besides things to put IN your sushi) is nori. Nori is dried seaweed. This is probably what makes people think of raw fish. Since its seaweed, it does have a fishy smell, but it does NOT have a fishy taste. As a matter of fact, it doesn't really taste at all. Its usually really dry and almost brittle when in the package, but when wrapped around your sushi its softer.

Again - same popular Orchids brand (just to show I didn't ONLY buy that rice vinegar because of the company name!)

So you will certainly need everything that has a picture! Now for the instructions:

Place 2 cups of rice into a plastic or glass bowl

(2 cups of rice makes enough sushi for 3 people - or 2 hungry people. Always better to have too much than too little!)

Cover with water

Swirl the rice/water around with your hand until the water is very cloudy.

Drain water and repeat until water is clear (usually about 3-4 times)

In a medium saucepan (make sure it has a lid!) place:

2 cups of washed rice

2 cups of water

Place lid on saucepan and bring to boil over medium heat

(if you haven't done any prep I recommend doing your prep work at this point)

Once boiling use a wooden or plastic spoon to stir the rice (NO METAL SPOONS)

Reduce heat to medium high and cook for another 5 minutes

Reduce heat once more, stir, and cook for another couple minutes

Be sure not to burn the rice - but be sure all the water is absorbed

Remove rice from heat (leaving lid on) and set aside for a 5 minutes

After rice has set - put into glass or plastic container while Rice Vinegar is prepped

Making up the Rice Vinegar:

4tbsp. Rice Vinegar

4tbsp. Sugar (I use white granulated sugar - as long as you don't use brown you should be ok)

2tbsp salt (I use sea salt - I'm sure it doesn't matter)

Place all the Rice Vinegar ingredients in a small saucepan over medium heat

Stir ingredients with wooden or plastic spoon

!!DO NOT BOIL!!

Heat/stir until all granules are dissolved

Finishing Up the Rice

Add the HOT Rice Vinegar mixture to the rice

Stir the Rice Vinegar Mixture into the rice with a choppy motion with your plastic or wooden spoon

Stir the Rice in the choppy motion until it is at room temperature (takes about 5-10 minutes)

My best advice at this point is to have a small bowl of water sitting nearby. This is to moisten your hands and knife to keep the sushi from sticking to you too badly. Its going to stick to you - no matter what - but the water keeps it under some kind of control.

So you place out a single sheet of nori. You cover the nori 85% with the sushi rice. Leave about a 1/4 inch gap at the top (this allows for a roll that doesn't look folded on one side. Perfect circle!) Once you have covered your nori - place your stuffing (I will put a list of things that I like to use inside sushi at the bottom) in the center of your rice. Just eye it - you'll find the perfect positioning once you've done this a few times.

Once you have all the things on the rice you wish to roll up in the sushi - grab the end nearest you and fold the nori (which includes the contents of your roll!) away from you until the piece you grabbed is now touching the edge of where the rice stops (this is why that 1/4 inch at the top is important!) Squeeze the sushi roll until it feels the seaweed will not come unwrapped and wet your knife.

From what I know - its traditional to serve sushi in two rows of 3 (equalling 6 lil sushi rolls) but I really don't see the point in being so traditional at home (unless you have guests - in which case be traditional and show off!) and you will probably mess up one or two if this is your first time - so no worries!!! Cut the roll in half and place the two halves side by side. Wet your knife again - and cut 3 times across the two halves which are side by side. You now have 6 sushi!!

Now you just stick them on a plate (stuffing side up) and serve! Not too hard I don't think. From start to finish it usually takes me about an hour to make sushi (using the 2 cup method I shared here) which is about how long it takes me to make dinner when I'm cooking something like spaghetti. This shows that making sushi (which is pretty darn healthy!) doesn't take any more time than anything else you're already doing. Its just something you aren't familiar with and only SEEMS like more work.

The first time IS a bit hectic - but the steps and instructions that I've put here are pretty much fail proof. There's almost NO WAY you can make bad sushi with the above 'recipe'! Promise! As you can see my rolls are FAR from perfect - but that doesn't effect the taste. The roll you see my husband holding has salmon and mayonnaise in it.

As you can see we aren't going for the whole traditional thing here at my house. We're even drinking a bottle of Andre (pink champagne haha!) with your sushi. I think we're also watching Top Gear or X Factor -- so really just make it your own.

I have to say though - it was really nice to sit back and relax and basque in the glory which is our badass Christmas tree. Our neighbors kept peeking through their window to see our tree - and people were slowing down outside to see our tree as they drove past.

I'm proud of my husband for not only caving and letting me have a WHITE tree - but letting me choose purple, hot pink and blue balls for it! Yay husband!

Now

Things you can put in sushi:

Salmon

lettuce

spinach (wilted in hot water)

avocado

carrot

ginger (pickled)

water chestnuts

sesame seeds

mayonnaise (NOT salad dressing!)

wasabi

wasabi mayonnaise

shrimp

crab

lobster

chicken/duck/goose/turkey (hey why not?!)

Honestly I think anything you can put on a sandwich can be put in sushi - but if you are going for traditional Japanese sushi - its best to use traditional items. I just prefer to have fun with my cooking is all!

EDIT: More pics of our weekend (my messy kitchen and more!) @ my Flikr

Super Dickmann's - and other things

Yes - I only bought this because its called "Super Dickmann's". As a matter of fact - I forced Keith to hold the box while I snapped this pic in the kitchen AS SOON as we got home from the store with it. But turns out - these things are WAY awesome. Its a huge chocolate covered thing with the creamiest softest marshmellow center and a tiny wafer on the bottom! You get almost an immediate sugar rush upon devouring!

How huge is this Super Dickmann's?

Well they're huge. Nearly as big as an iPod Nano. If you don't want some serious sugar almost instantly - I don't recommend ever buying these. They're from Germany (duh look at the packaging!) and they somehow found their way to our commissary at RAF Lakenheath. I was never so greatful for German chocolates until that day. That glorious day we returned home with our little cardboard treasure.

We've now eaten nearly all of them (I think there are 9 to a box) and they are my new love. Forget Galaxy bars or even ice cream. I love Super Dickmann's!! Germany - thank you for this most yumtastic chocolatey treat. How sugary are Super Dickmann's? Well put it this way: we drink a LOT of energy drinks in my house - and ONE of these things made me hyper for like 3 hours. I'm talking completely rambunctiously annoyingly hyper. Yeah I'd totally feed one of these to someone's kid right before they went back home with their parents. I'm evil like that.


In other news - I have decided to only post paintings on my art page to say "Hey look this is for sale" once I get my Etsy shop going. This way it allows MORE people to see my artwork and gives me extra opportunity to sell them. I did look into the option of selling prints - but unless I do the prints myself I would be losing a lot of money. I'd make about $.50 per print. Instead I'll just sell the original on canvas and not offer prints at all.


This means that every painting purchased is a one-of-a-kind. I highly doubt I'll price anything over $30 because I'm mostly just interested in paying for art supplies to paint more - and not looking to make an actual living from it right now. Perhaps in the future. Of course I'll post something here when I have everything all set up - including figuring out where to get proper boxes to ship things. It'll all come together eventually!


I feel like Keith and I are still getting acquainted with each other now that he's back from Iraq. Small things about both of us have changed while he was deployed and we're both working on getting used to those small changes. Nothing major - but still. It was kind of disturbing at first when I noticed there were any kind of change at all ... but then I realized that its pretty much natural.



We still have a lot of fun together. I even gave him a spa facial treatment a few days ago. Cucumber peel and avacado mask - the whole works! He didn't actually say it .. but I think he enjoyed it :) Looks like he's having fun to me!


I think we get on each other's nerves a bit more than we used to (we're both terribly annoying) but we're starting to get used to it. I make his lunch almost every morning - and he seems to like going to work. Maybe its because he isn't working 12 hours a day 6 days a week like he was in Iraq.


I think that's all for now. I mostly just wanted to share the awesome that is Super Dickmann's - but I got off on another subject!

Just Groovin'

Song of the Day is now located on a widget over there ----------------->

I finished another painting - but I have a lot of stuff to do :(

I have to get pictures taken of a lot of other paintings, as well as try to find a decent printing company that I can team up with. I've had a lot of inquiries about my paintings, but a lot of it is people wanting prints - not the actual canvas painting. Sooo yeah I definitely have to look into that. It wasn't even something I'd thought of!

Keith goes back to work next week and our sleep schedule is totally wonky. We stay up till 7/8am go to bed, wake up at 5pm and do it all again. We're going to bed here in about an hour and hope that our first day of being awake during daylight hours will be eventful!

So yeah! Busy busy painting! And I'm sure once I set myself up with a printing company that I can hopefully just sell enough prints to pay for my art supplies! Weee!

Manic Artwork - Soon for Sale

I paint. A lot, actually - and I've decided that instead of letting all these paintings pile up that I would try to sell them ... and possibly take on commissions for art. The commission part is still iffy - but I am definitely going to try to sell my paintings.

How am I going to do this? Well to start out with I will do it on a first come, first serve basis. I'll post a picture of the painting on my site : ManicStatic with a price. The first person to email me and say 'Hey I want that picture' will be the one who will own it. Then I say 'Hey dude, you got the picture" and they say "Wowee! Gee golly really?!" and I say "Yup!" and they'll say "Well here's my address!" then I mail it to them. Sounds easy huh?

Anyway - that will be my thing. I refuse to do videos for people in SL anymore. 90% of SL Society fucking pisses me off. My husband was deployed to Iraq for 5 months - I was working 50 hours a week - and people were STILL on my ass about things. But ya know what? I bet if I had told them I was in the process of leaving my RL husband for my SL boyfriend they would give me all the time in the world. It seems people are more understanding about fake SL shit than they are about vital RL shit. Surely I can't be the only person who thinks this.

As far as my paintings .. I guess you'll just have to wait till I get one posted to see my 'style'. I've always called it vector -- but that might not be 'technically' right.

O M G

OMG.

Can't talk.

Keith's home.

BYE!!!

Much too Much

Some days I feel like I just have too much to do. Well those days only really started after Keith left for Iraq. Sometimes I feel a sense of accomplishment once I've done all the things I need to do - then there are other days I hate the Air Force for sending Keith to Iraq and making me do it by myself in the first place. One of those tasks is mowing.

Gardening is fun for me, but mowing is not. I hate to mow. I hate the sound of a lawn mower, I don't particularly like the wind blowing the grass clippings all over my arms and face, and I definitely hate the fact that the grass never seems dry enough to mow!

Even though I live in what's considered the driest part of England - it still rains more than 140 days a year. This means that one day of sunshine won't dry out the lawn, which then means that my front and back grass looks like a miniature jungle before its dry enough for me to mow ... and I hate that!

I bought myself a sexy Nikon D60 DSLR camera - but I am waiting for the correct SD card in order to start using it. I'm excited to take pictures even though I don't particularly feel inspired to do so. Its kind of hard to explain ... I guess I could try.

In my opinion, I've always been the 'creative' type - even though there are many times I severely lack in the talent department to see my creation through. Being with Keith has really changed my point of view of what's 'good' and what isn't as far as art goes - especially with my painting and photography. I think its because he's so supportive. Even if he doesn't quite 'get it' he still appreciates whatever it is. He's just awesome like that.

So far his deployment hasn't been AS hard on me as I originally thought it would be. Of course I've been depressed a bit - and quite lonely but I've found ways around pretty much everything. For a few weeks I couldn't sleep, but I recently learned that I can sleep just fine on the couch. The bed just felt so big, if that makes sense. I would wake up at random intervals and just lay in this vast darkness with nothing but the sound of Libby (our cat) snoring. BUT! On the couch I can flick on the TV and watch 15 mins of some random crap and pass back out.

I've steadily been losing weight - but it isn't ALL due to my diet. A lot of it is because I'm just not eating - which doesn't bother me - but I'm convinced its a side effect from the mild depression I'm going through. I'm not all dreary and weepy - its more of a manic state at this point. Lots of times I feel overstimulated or just overwhelmed in general and tend to just shut down. I won't talk for a day or two - then I get back to my somewhat normal self. I think such things are to be expected with a deployment though. At least I'm not going all psychotic or anything.

If we were living in America during his deployment, I think I probably would be a bit mental now. But in all honesty - I love England so much that just coming home after work feels good. Some days just sitting in the conservatory with a cup of tea is enough to cheer me up, but of course there are days that it isn't. There are days that nothing seems to pacify me and I just feel restless and stir crazy - which is why I say I'm in a mild manic state. Not chipper or hyper, and not all doom and gloom ... just restless.

I catch myself sitting here at the computer and hitting the refresh button waiting on an email reply from Keith, and I constantly have to tell myself to just walk away. There are days I have to force myself to go watch TV instead of sitting here with the cursor on the refresh button ... its sad, but true.

So yes - as soon as I get an SD card I will be taking pictures of random goodness which I will probably just post on flickr - but I'm sure I will share a few here since family and friends are more apt to check my blog than my flickr page.

I suppose that's enough bitching and whining for now - I should fold some laundry.

Memorial Day

Hit Play and listen while reading. Its me and Keith's "song" .. well the main one.

On with the blog entry:



Once upon a time Memorial Day, to me, was nothing but a free day off work and an excuse to drink beer and eat bar-b-q hot dogs and hamburgers. Memorial Day Weekend was a long awaited three day weekend. Up until the time I was probably 17 I didn't even know exactly what holiday Memorial Day was.

I grew up in a part of the US where there are three loves of everyone's life: God, your country, and guns. Even in such a small town (about 10 thousand people - the biggest town in the county) everyone has at least 2 people in their family who is in the military. There's not much to look forward to as far as 'growing up' where I came from. It isn't unusual for girls to start having babies at 15 and be married by 17. Having babies and getting married is all there is to look forward to in all honesty.

Strange that no one ever really told me what Memorial Day was. I wasn't even sure what a VFW Hall was - but I knew I saw it out by the highway. For all I knew it was another Eagle's club or whatever. As an adult I did finally learn what the holiday was about - but that didn't change anything. It was still a holiday to take a mini vacation somewhere, or just grill and have beer. Not this year. Not anymore.

I haven't conformed to the military. I'm not in the military, I'm just married to it - so why should I? I show up to the Air Force functions where the dress code is usually black dress/black heels wearing my bright colored loud clothing. I introduce myself without waiting for my husband to do it. I don't call the Colonels 'sir', instead opting to call them by name. I'm the opposite of every other military spouse I've ever known. I'm even dreading my hair this summer.

Today was different. I was asked by my squadron commander to participate in a Memorial Day celebration. I had assumed burgers and hot dogs because that's all anyone was talking about all week ... but I was wrong. She gave me a dress code sheet, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. It was being held at the base chapel, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. I showed up 15 minutes earlier than scheduled, and immediately had kinda wished I hadn't come.

Everyone was dressed the same - which basically means we all got the same sheet of paper. All the women there seemed to already know one another - so I just took a seat at the back and sat quietly, still unsure of what was going on. At first I thought maybe it was a church service of some kind - which made me panic a little because I don't know any church hymns ... but there was no chaplain.

The base commander took the podium and gave a speech about what Memorial Day means. He talked about how, as spouses of deployed soldiers, we should be the last ones to celebrate with beer and burgers. Immediately I thought "I'm home alone - you really think I'm gonna bar-b-q for myself, dude?" So the honor guard did their thing, there were a few speeches from base officials - then a group of women stood up and took the podium. What the hell was going on exactly? They each took turns talking about their husbands who unknown to me - had been killed in battle over the past two years.

Suddenly I was mad. I was mad at all the people at home cooking on the grill and drinking beer with their friends. I was upset that all those people having big backyard bar-b-q's were taking the wrong approach to Memorial Day. I was upset with myself for being so selfish in just being happy I had an extra day off work. These women were the embodiment of Memorial Day ... and I was some kind of spectator. Why did my squadron commander do this to me?

Why did she have me attend a lecture blindly .. and why did I show up?! It isn't as if I'm not having a hard enough time with Keith's deployment, but now I had to listen to these dead soldier's wives and for that hour I was filled with dread. What if that were me? No, it could never be me. Nothing will ever happen to Keith ... but as I was thinking that one of the wives said my every thought out loud ... and I hated her for it.

Three different times I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to hear any of this! For me its better to let bad things just linger as passing moments in the back of my mind - I don't want it to be force fed to me like this. I was angry, I was shocked, and most of all - I was suddenly scared. That could be me - and no matter how much I don't want it to be - suddenly it was a distinct possibility that it could be.

Okay I've rambled a lot and have gotten into far more emotion than I had set out to ... I just want to say this:

Memorial Day: for some it is just an excuse to take a trip. Lots of folks get together with friends to do the cook out thing ... and for some people it isn't any of those things. While you're out at the lake fishing, or having friends over to cook out, or if you've taken a road trip somewhere - just try to remember that this is a national holiday to remember soldiers. Maybe you don't know a single soldier or maybe you're against this whole war -- no matter how you look at it there are still people left behind. There are families left behind who don't take trips or bar-b-q with friends because not every holiday should be about boisterous celebration.

I miss Keith.

Alllll Byyyyy Myyyy Seelllffffff

Ha you know you're totally singing that song now!

Anyway, the adjustments so far haven't been all THAT bad. At first I was really scared thinking "Oh man what am I going to do with myself without Keith" but I think I've coped quite well. I think it was more mental than anything - and I've finally realized that I'm not ALONE I'm just by MYSELF!

Its been really nice that he can call me every other day or so - even though we really don't have much to talk about. We more or less end up repeating everything we sent in an email that one of us hasn't gotten the chance to read yet LOL! Still its comforting hearing his voice, and hearing that he doesn't sound stressed or anything - just a little tired which is probably just from jet lag.

I dropped him off Wednesday (the 7th) but pulled out before the bus did. I was whining the night before "Pleaseeee don't make me watch the bus leave!" and by golly I didn't! No way. I sucked it up for the most part, and had a lot of reasons to.

#1 There were a lot of people on those two buses. I'm sure they JUST got done doing what we were doing and didn't need to be 'set off' by seeing me bawling

#2 The other couple of wives there were totally stone faced - and they were toting babies! If they can handle saying goodbye, I can too damn it!

#3 I had a oral surgery appointment within the hour and thought I should be focused on that


So I shed a few tears driving to my appointment - but the bitterness of saying goodbye to my husband for 5 months was overshadowed with the fact that I was about to have two wisdom teeth cut out of my mouth with nothing but a few shots. Local anesthetic only - because I had no escort.

I sat in the car for about 10 minutes psyching myself up. I reminded myself how much of an awesome badass I am, and walked in the door. They took me into the oral surgery hall right away where I sat in that stupid chair that makes weird squeaky noises that almost sound like farts. Now, at that moment I thought that I was only having one tooth removed because A) Its military - they only take care of what is necessary at that moment and B) no one told me otherwise. I was wrong. Both bottom wisdom teeth were coming out.

No problem. I'd handle it. So the Captain doing my surgery gives me about 3 shots in each hinge of my jaw and walks out to let it numb up. Her assistant then starts talking to me while she's setting up the tray "Wow I can't believe you aren't being put under. I mean .. -everyone- elects to be put under." Immediately I panic a bit thinking that I've made the wrong decision, but still psyched up from my self pep talk I say "Well I don't have an escort because I dropped my husband off about a half hour ago to go down range .. plus I have a pretty high pain tolerance." She just kinda stood there silently for a moment and said "Better you than me, sister!" Oh god what have I done?

About 10 minutes later the Captian comes back, and yes I'm numb. She puts the random 'keep your mouth open' instruments in my mouth and starts cutting on my gums with what feels like a primary school kid's safety scissors. It doesn't hurt - I can just tell that its scissors which grossed me out a bit. Even though I couldn't see anything - I could just imagine what it all looked like. She makes a statement about seeing the tooth and starts trying to pull it. The lady did everything but put a foot on my jaw while pulling on the tooth to no avail. She then tries to crack the tooth to take it out in sections, which doesn't work either. Then she says "Uh ... ma'am? We're going to have to remove some of the bone."

Of course I can't answer her or I would have said "BONE?! What bone? Remove it? HOW!" but before I get a full paniced thought out of my head I hear what sounds like a table saw. Oh fuck. She's going to use that in my mouth! So she starts sawing and telling me while sawing that the roots of the tooth are fused to my jaw bone so she has to saw around it. Now it starts hurting, but of course I'm pretty much just powerless. 15 minutes pass by and she's finally done sawing and moves to the left side.

The same thing happens: scissors, pulling, splitting attempt "We'll have to saw this side too. Your roots are actually bent outwards at the end like fish hooks" More pain, more dizzy feeling from the vibrations in my jaw. Finally its all over and she packs my face with gauze and sends me out the door.

Of course I got meds. Not enough, if you ask me. 10 Oxycodone didn't even scratch the surface. My face was swollen, my cheeks were swollen, I was bleeding, and my jaw was bruised. Yes, this was an awesome decision.

I had taken Wed, Thur, and Fri off work and went back to work on Monday. Monday I was still in a lot of pain but had already taken all my pain medication. Tuesday the pain had gotten a bit worse. What did it feel like? Well it felt as if a dentist was drilling on my teeth without waiting for the numbing agent to fully take effect.

I rang up the oral surgery department and said "I'm miserable and I'm out of medication. I expected to be in quite a bit of pain after a surgery like that, but its been nearly 7 days and I am in more pain NOW than I was hours after surgery." They got me in immediately.

Come to find out I had dry socket in both sides. The person who saw me was amazed that I had somehow not completely lost my fucking mind going through all that pain for almost 7 days. "High pain tolerance" was all I said. He put some clove tasting shit on what looked like a packing peanut, crammed it into the incision point and within 10 minutes all the pain was gone. He thinks that I've had dry socket since the day after surgery since they had to saw so deep into my jaw to remove those teeth.

Luckily I have no more wisdom teeth and I stand a very high liklihood of never having to go through any of that again. I'm really looking forward to my first full night of sleep in a week :)

I'd also like to thank Willow for offering support during Keith's deployment. Right now I have a few good weeks of activities planned out (there's a Bazaar this weekend and next weekend is the annual Beer Festival in Cambridge, and a week or so after that is Strawberry Faire!) but I'm sure at some point the 'novelty' of being by myself will wear off and I won't be able to fill a Saturday with an activity like I can for the next 4 weeks or so.

So I"m off to bed now ... I hope no one EVER has to experience all that dental bullshit. I seriously was wishing for a coma at one point!

Updatus Majoritus

MAJOR UPDATE ALERT!!!!

I have been reallllly busy the past few weeks, and for good reason I assure you!

We found out a couple weeks ago that Keith is deploying. Where? He can't say - all I know is that he was issued dessert gear. He's been really busy getting shots every other week as well as us having to go to appointments at the legal office. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it because honestly I've JUST gotten myself somewhat used to the idea of everything.

Yes, of course I'll be worried. I'm really just trying to not be a big baby about everything because I don't want to stress Keith out. I think that he would have taken the news of his deployment a LOT harder if I had reacted all like 'OMG NOOOOOOO' or someting.

I already have lots of activities and whatnot planned for myself this summer - and have found a great friend in Tree. Its also nice working on a military base and having access to at least talk to other spouses of deployed peeps. Just kinda eases the stress knowing that someone is going through the exact same thing - which makes one automatic thing you have in common with someone!

This will be the first time in two years (roughly) that Keith and I have been apart - which makes me go :( but at the same time I'm looking forward to seeing how I handle alone life. I'm sure the cat will keep me company - and if she doesn't I have a few canvases on top of friends and work. The first month I think will be the hardest but once I get into my own 'groove' it should get easier.

I did a painting over the weekend. There's actually a funny story that goes with it. Guess I should show the painting first.


So this is my painting ... and I call it "Boldly Go". Its my little "Ode to Star Trek" you could say. why? I don't know! I just know that I thought of how Captain Kirk always got to shag the hot aliens while on other plants - but what if SPOCK got his hands on one?! What if there's a Spock love child roaming some galaxy far far away?! And there you have the inspirational thought which started this painting. There's a bit more to it, but I sat it on my lap and took the pic with the webcam on the laptop ...



So yes that is the jist of everything. My husband is deploying to a dessert somewhere on the globe and will be gone for at least 5 months and I've just been trying to mentally prepare myself for everything. Seriously though - I almost lost it when we had to prepare his will. That was the HARDEST thing ever. For those that don't know me - I don't do funerals. Ever.

Alrighty! Well Keith got Grand Theft Auto IV a whole day earlier than its even released - so I've been sitting here watching him play... enjoy the screenshot :D

Paint by numba

So yes, there are 3 paintings in my house which are now finished - and I plan to do more soon. One painting usually takes me all day because I just have this problem of knowing when enough is enough and when to stop painting.

There's lots I'd like to update with - bitching mostly - but I won't. I don't have a very loving family - and this isn't a suprise to ANYONE but .. and a HUGE but - but at least we are always honest and open with each other. When your brother is pissed off at you, he calls you and tells you. When your mom thinks that you're being a complete fuck wit - she lets you know. None of that beat around the bush nice-to-your-face bullshit when its another story behind closed doors. Its a long story which I will probably post bits of in the near future.

Yes yes my paintings. I didn't get all graphic and crop these so you'll just have to look at them as they are which at the time was just sitting on the easel :)