Much too Much

Some days I feel like I just have too much to do. Well those days only really started after Keith left for Iraq. Sometimes I feel a sense of accomplishment once I've done all the things I need to do - then there are other days I hate the Air Force for sending Keith to Iraq and making me do it by myself in the first place. One of those tasks is mowing.

Gardening is fun for me, but mowing is not. I hate to mow. I hate the sound of a lawn mower, I don't particularly like the wind blowing the grass clippings all over my arms and face, and I definitely hate the fact that the grass never seems dry enough to mow!

Even though I live in what's considered the driest part of England - it still rains more than 140 days a year. This means that one day of sunshine won't dry out the lawn, which then means that my front and back grass looks like a miniature jungle before its dry enough for me to mow ... and I hate that!

I bought myself a sexy Nikon D60 DSLR camera - but I am waiting for the correct SD card in order to start using it. I'm excited to take pictures even though I don't particularly feel inspired to do so. Its kind of hard to explain ... I guess I could try.

In my opinion, I've always been the 'creative' type - even though there are many times I severely lack in the talent department to see my creation through. Being with Keith has really changed my point of view of what's 'good' and what isn't as far as art goes - especially with my painting and photography. I think its because he's so supportive. Even if he doesn't quite 'get it' he still appreciates whatever it is. He's just awesome like that.

So far his deployment hasn't been AS hard on me as I originally thought it would be. Of course I've been depressed a bit - and quite lonely but I've found ways around pretty much everything. For a few weeks I couldn't sleep, but I recently learned that I can sleep just fine on the couch. The bed just felt so big, if that makes sense. I would wake up at random intervals and just lay in this vast darkness with nothing but the sound of Libby (our cat) snoring. BUT! On the couch I can flick on the TV and watch 15 mins of some random crap and pass back out.

I've steadily been losing weight - but it isn't ALL due to my diet. A lot of it is because I'm just not eating - which doesn't bother me - but I'm convinced its a side effect from the mild depression I'm going through. I'm not all dreary and weepy - its more of a manic state at this point. Lots of times I feel overstimulated or just overwhelmed in general and tend to just shut down. I won't talk for a day or two - then I get back to my somewhat normal self. I think such things are to be expected with a deployment though. At least I'm not going all psychotic or anything.

If we were living in America during his deployment, I think I probably would be a bit mental now. But in all honesty - I love England so much that just coming home after work feels good. Some days just sitting in the conservatory with a cup of tea is enough to cheer me up, but of course there are days that it isn't. There are days that nothing seems to pacify me and I just feel restless and stir crazy - which is why I say I'm in a mild manic state. Not chipper or hyper, and not all doom and gloom ... just restless.

I catch myself sitting here at the computer and hitting the refresh button waiting on an email reply from Keith, and I constantly have to tell myself to just walk away. There are days I have to force myself to go watch TV instead of sitting here with the cursor on the refresh button ... its sad, but true.

So yes - as soon as I get an SD card I will be taking pictures of random goodness which I will probably just post on flickr - but I'm sure I will share a few here since family and friends are more apt to check my blog than my flickr page.

I suppose that's enough bitching and whining for now - I should fold some laundry.