Losing weight is hard. Period. I don't think I've ever done anything physically so hard in all my life. Granted, I haven't been as ROAR about it as I should be - but its still hard.
For the past 8 weeks I have been going to the gym on average twice a week. The physiotherpaist told me to go at least 3 times a week. I'm sorry mini Tony Little, I've let you down. I've let me down, too.
At first just going to the gym was hard. It required a lot of mental preparation on my part. Maybe it will be easier to understand if I explain things a little. As most everyone knows, my husband is in the military. We are stationed in England but we do not live on the military base. We live about 30 miles away. Anyway - I go to the gym on the nearest military base. The nearest base is all fighter jets so at any given moment you totally have a Top Gun moment with F-15s screaming overhead and you can't help but hum a few lines from "Danger Zone".
The gym is full of tall, lanky, lean men between the ages of 18 and 40. Even the women are very lean. My sensibile side says to me that I am there for the same reasons they are: to be healthy - but my immature no self-esteem having side says "They're all laughing at you." Are they laughing at me? Maybe - but at some point I have got to stop letting that thought (and its only a thought because I have never seen or heard anyone ever laugh at me) bother me so much.
At my last doctor's appointment (around July 6th) I had lost 6lb. That's a total of losing roughly one pound a week. Does anyone know the internal heartbreak of working your ass off in a gym up to 2 hours a day twice a week for a measly damn pound?! Its so discouraging!!! All those weeks of all that work and I'd only lost 6lbs. I was so hurt when I saw the scale. I'm still hurt in a lot of ways. BUT even just losing a very depressing one pound a week is the largest weight loss I've had in over 10 years. So honestly, I should look at it that way. Its still progress, even if the progress is slow and unrewarding in its tempo.
What I'd wanted to do was post pictures to chart my progress in this journey - but I haven't yet got that kind of confidence. Will I ever have it? I don't know. I hope I will! Unfortunately right now I do not and to save myself the anxiety I am just not going the whole picture posting thing. Yet. I definitely plan to, just not now is all.
Losing weight is more mental than physical. Yes there is a lot of physical activity - but its more of a mental struggle than anything. Once I get to the gym and get on some rhythmic machine that forces me to do more exercise than I feel comfortable with - I'm fine. I don't have a thought in the world other than "Is it time to leave yet?" But in all honesty it took me 2 hours of me psychologically beating my own ass just to GET me there in the first place. That's the only way I can explain it.
I haven't done enough. I know in my heart that I could work out FAR FAR FARRR more than I currently do - but mentally and emotionally it takes so damn much out of me just to go work out. Being sweaty and sore doesn't bother me even a fraction as much as psyching myself up to go does. But once I'm back home and I've worked out so hard that I can't feel my arms or legs I tell myself "This better be worth it."
I don't have the right attitude, and I know it. At the same time - I don't know how to fix it. Of course I thought at first that my frame of mind would change but it hasn't. Regardless I know that I must continue to exercise in order to lose weight and get healthy. But at this point I have replaced one form of bad health with another.
Being healthy is multi dimentional. You must have physical health as well as mental and spiritual health. Right now I am severely lacking in the mental health department. I recognize this, but at the same time I'm coming up empty handed on how to go at this problem and really get things going in the right direction. Maybe I need to busy myself mentally with more things so that I spend less time worring about going to the gym and instead simply see the gym as part of my routine or schedule which has to be done on a regular basis. Like shaving my legs or scrubbing the toilet. I don't particularly enjoy either of those things - but they are things that I know I have to do every so often.
That's got to be the answer. The gym is like scrubbing the toilet. If you wait more than a week then its going to be really shitty.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My Weight Tale and The Gym
Today I met with a physiotherapist to start a workout regime to help me take off this weight that a lifetime of a non-working thyroid has put on me. Before I get down to the nitty gritty I'll give some background (sorry I don't have pictures - my parents have all my childhood pictures and they are in the States and I'm in the UK for at least 2 more years.)
I was born 6lb 9oz to a very young mother and was likely a bit premature. I was a very chubby baby and stayed round (imagine Dora the Explorer) until I was about 6. I suddenly got really thin, but that was probably my diet at the time and not the amount of exercise I was getting. To be honest I don't really remember playing outside a lot. I taught myself to ride a bike when I was 5 and was what is now called a latch-key kid. The way I understand it - being a latch-key kid was a very normal thing in the 80s.
My thin spurt didn't last and by the time I was 10 I was wearing the same clothes as my mother (about a size 4 in US women's sizes) and was very round. I went swimming almost every day in the summer as well as playing soccer one summer and playing girls' softball every year until I was 19. I got so big in fact, that my parents had a hard time buying clothes for me. I couldn't quite wear women's clothes because I had no chest to fill out the shirts, I was too short, and the neck and arm holes were too big. I couldn't quite wear women's pants because I just lacked the correct proportions.
My early teens are filled with memories of squeezing into jeans, or worse: my poor dad giving me a loving pat on the back when I had to wear jeans that had elastic backs or sides - or full elastic waists. I kept getting fat - but my parents were convinced that I was eating too much, or sneaking food, or maybe even eating things like sweets while at friends' houses (even though I don't recall having more than 1 friend until I was about 14.)
I started wearing bras when I was only in the 3rd grade. Not because I actually had breasts - but because I was so fat that my body does what most female bodies do and started storing fat in my breasts. Okay, so maybe I did kinda have breasts. But still - it was because of my weight not because of development. Of course I was teased a lot by the boys - but somehow I had the bra conversation with my dad. Did I have to wear it? Was there a way that I could wear it without everyone being able to tell? I had come home from school bawling my 9 year old eyes out. The TV was on (we only had 3 channels) and some random episode of The Brady Bunch was on. Dad pointed out to me "Hey look. Marcia is wearing a bra and she's on TV and you don't see anyone making fun of her. Those kids are just little bastards and are probably just jealous because you have something they don't. They're just too young to realize it yet." I didn't mind bras so much after that.
I slowly got bigger. My mom had an appendectomy and a hysterectomy when I was 13 which caused her to go from a healthy US size 8 to a tiny size 4. She was THRILLED to be that 'small' again, I was mad. The clothes she and I used to share were now just mine because they were too big for her. I no longer had a 'peer' when it came to clothes and instead was the outsider. My mom got to wear all the clothes I should've been wearing while I was stuck wearing slightly less frilly/pretty/stylish ones.
I had 2 girl cousins that were only about 3 years older than me - both of which were slender. At the age where most girls were raiding each other's closets; I had my closet all to myself. None of my friends had to worry about me borrowing a top and not returning it because chances are I couldn't wear their damn shirts anyway. And it gets worse.
When I was 14 I had my first real boyfriend. We were both in 8th grade. By this time I had developed a very over-compensating personality to make me more 'fun' so that people wouldn't notice my acne (which was getting WAY out of hand by this point) or my weight - which was in the 160 range. So winter rolls around and my boyfriend and I do what most tween couples do .. he gave me his jacket. Very cute gesture and all - but I was too fat to wear it. The big embarrassment? (Brace for impact) Even though I was too fat to wear it - I CARRIED his stupid Hornets (I think it was a basketball team?) jacket around and wore my own jacket.
Believe it or not - I wasn't the fattest kid at the school. Even though I was probably in the top 5 - there was one fatter. His name was Amos. Sweet kid. Super smart. Anyway - the 8th grade dance rolls around and of course me and my Hornets Jacket boyfriend have broken up because he's now hooked up with a cheerleader. I went to the dance anyway because 1- entry fee was a can of food which was donated to the local food bank so I was TOTALLY for that. And 2- I had already developed my "I don't care what you think I'll do what I want" attitude. So I went.
It wasn't incredibly fun as I remember. The skinny pretty girls were all crowded up on the dance floor area while I played Super Nintendo in the back room with all the guys that were punching each other in the arms hoping they'll wreck each other while playing Mario Kart. At some point someone talked me into going into the dance area and I got a little funky. Yeah fat girl busted out some fresh moves like the running man. I was like a fat female Vanilla Ice. The other kids were soo jealous. Anyway - so a slow song comes on and I don't have a boyfriend. Hornets Jacket was dancing with his new cheerleader girlfriend so what do I do? I decided right then that I was going to find the one kid who never thought they'd ever dance with a girl and dance with them. I slow danced with Amos. It was awkward, but the look on his face ... I still remember it to this day. He was so pleased with himself - and he was probably the only other 8th grader there that didn't go "Oh man Jennifer is coming over here with her loud mouth and fat ass."
8th grade ended and the summer before Freshman Year started. Somehow I lost weight. I was wearing a US size 5 and I was pretty damn pleased with myself. I hadn't been THAT thin since I was like .. 11. The first day of school people were freaking out about how hot I was, and I immediately hated all that attention. I was still the same person - I just had less fat. The popular kids were trying to get me in their little group. The jocks were hitting on me. Seniors were trying to get me to go out on date with them .. it was just really upsetting.
I started dying my hair and wearing mismatched clothes from places like .. Salvation Army. I found old clothes at my Grandmother's house (dresses from like the late 40s early 50s) and would wear those with combat boots. You have to take into mind that this was the time that Grunge was still kinda big - Dazed and Confused was every highschooler's favorite movie - and Z.Cavaricci is what every teenage girl was throwing tantrums to make their parents buy them. I somehow faded into obscurity. The girls didn't understand why I'd dress the way I do when I was so 'thin and pretty' and the guys just thought I was insane.
I stayed at a healthy, toned 130lbs until Junior year when I got fat again. How? I don't know. I was on the tennis team all through highschool which meant that every day after practice I ran a mile and a half. Every spring I was on the highschool softball team which meant that I ran a lot then too. I just got fat again. I didn't know why - but by that time I didn't care. I went from 130 freshman year to about 160 by the end of my junior year.
Senior year rolls around and I went down to about 140. I think its because I was doing a full 7 hour highschool classes, 2 sports, night classes for college and working. I don't remember really eating other than when I worked (and at this time I worked at a diner.) My thin-ness didn't last but maybe another year when I put on a whopping 40lbs in one year. I started exercising by running a mile or two a day and going to the local pool every day during the summer. It wasn't working.
8 years ago I weighed 180lbs and wore a US size 12. I couldn't shop at the department stores anymore which I had started to really like. No more Guess or BeBe jeans for me. They didn't make that stuff for fatties. I now had to shop at Famous Barr in the Plus Size section. I didn't like it at first, but I got used to it.
3 years ago I weighed 210 and wore a US size 16. I could ONLY shop at stores that were geared for plus size women - and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't even buy bras or underwear at a damn Wal Mart because they didn't have my size.
On May 5th I was measured, weighed - everything. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 265lbs. For the last year I have been exercising almost to the point where its excruciating and I have not lost a single pound. In fact I have gained (on average) 10-20lbs a year for my entire life. I've done every fad diet - and even switched to whole foods and nothing was working. Why? Why am I sitting here and getting fatter and fatter?!
Before Keith and I took our trip to Germany I said I needed new clothes so that I don't have to wear sweatpants everywhere we go. I went to all the local shops - I was too fat. Nothing above a size US 18 (UK 16). I even went to the BX on base - nothing above a US 16. I had to buy clothes online. Luckily I found a plus size shop called Torrid that had great patterns and colors so that I don't have to wear a damn tent. Still - it was depressing. Even at this plus size specialty store - the biggest size they had is a US 22. I am a US 22. I am as big as clothing gets .. and that set me over the edge.
I decided that all these problems can't just be me. I am not sneaking food. I am doing lots of physical activity every single day. I am eating pretty damn healthy and still I continue to gain weight.
Thyroid. Its one of those things about your body that you don't really pay attention to until its not doing its job ... and apparently mine has never really worked. My thyroid has been functioning at 4x LESS that it should be for probably my entire life. My cholesterol is decent (120) my bloodpressure isn't too bad (102/86 - which I think is wonderful for someone as big as me) and I've still packed on weight.
I initially went to the doctor because of menopausal symptoms. I was scared. I'm 28 and experiencing every symptom of menopause in the book. It isn't menopause - but my pituitary gland is worn out. All these years my pituitary gland has been trying to produce not only my normal hormones, but has been trying to pick up the slack that my thyroid left. Not good, but also not necessarily permanent.
I've been on thyroid medication for a week now - and already I feel amazing. I'm still fat - but I am so relieved to know that this one silly pill once a day is going to make all this working out I do actually WORK.
Today I met with a physiotherapist who I shocked the hell out of. He had me doing some strength training reps - and was amazed that even though I'm so huge - I am not really out of 'shape'. I can bike a mile in 6 minutes. I can do 2 sets of 10 of anything you throw at me and do it in perfect form. I can do 'body squats' just as well as someone 1/3 my size.
I realize that all this is probably WAY more info than anyone ever wanted to read about me (if anyone besides me reads this). Losing all this weight that a lifetime has put on me isn't going to be easy - but just knowing that I haven't done this to myself has taken a lot of weight off me mentally.
I always hated going to the gym because I'm always the fattest person there. Today - I didn't care. Those fuckers can think whatever they want about me cuz I know they aren't going to say anything. I will be SO glad to get on an airplane and fasten the seat belt without having to suck in a little. I will be SOO glad to be able to sit in any kind of seat and not feel like the chair is giving me a hug from behind because I fit into it so snugly. Most of all - I will be SOOO glad to be able to LOOK how I've always FELT for once.
I hope that maybe someone can draw some inspiration from some of this and just know that change is always possible. Motivation isn't instant - and usually the things that take the MOST motivation are the most rewarding.
I was born 6lb 9oz to a very young mother and was likely a bit premature. I was a very chubby baby and stayed round (imagine Dora the Explorer) until I was about 6. I suddenly got really thin, but that was probably my diet at the time and not the amount of exercise I was getting. To be honest I don't really remember playing outside a lot. I taught myself to ride a bike when I was 5 and was what is now called a latch-key kid. The way I understand it - being a latch-key kid was a very normal thing in the 80s.
My thin spurt didn't last and by the time I was 10 I was wearing the same clothes as my mother (about a size 4 in US women's sizes) and was very round. I went swimming almost every day in the summer as well as playing soccer one summer and playing girls' softball every year until I was 19. I got so big in fact, that my parents had a hard time buying clothes for me. I couldn't quite wear women's clothes because I had no chest to fill out the shirts, I was too short, and the neck and arm holes were too big. I couldn't quite wear women's pants because I just lacked the correct proportions.
My early teens are filled with memories of squeezing into jeans, or worse: my poor dad giving me a loving pat on the back when I had to wear jeans that had elastic backs or sides - or full elastic waists. I kept getting fat - but my parents were convinced that I was eating too much, or sneaking food, or maybe even eating things like sweets while at friends' houses (even though I don't recall having more than 1 friend until I was about 14.)
I started wearing bras when I was only in the 3rd grade. Not because I actually had breasts - but because I was so fat that my body does what most female bodies do and started storing fat in my breasts. Okay, so maybe I did kinda have breasts. But still - it was because of my weight not because of development. Of course I was teased a lot by the boys - but somehow I had the bra conversation with my dad. Did I have to wear it? Was there a way that I could wear it without everyone being able to tell? I had come home from school bawling my 9 year old eyes out. The TV was on (we only had 3 channels) and some random episode of The Brady Bunch was on. Dad pointed out to me "Hey look. Marcia is wearing a bra and she's on TV and you don't see anyone making fun of her. Those kids are just little bastards and are probably just jealous because you have something they don't. They're just too young to realize it yet." I didn't mind bras so much after that.
I slowly got bigger. My mom had an appendectomy and a hysterectomy when I was 13 which caused her to go from a healthy US size 8 to a tiny size 4. She was THRILLED to be that 'small' again, I was mad. The clothes she and I used to share were now just mine because they were too big for her. I no longer had a 'peer' when it came to clothes and instead was the outsider. My mom got to wear all the clothes I should've been wearing while I was stuck wearing slightly less frilly/pretty/stylish ones.
I had 2 girl cousins that were only about 3 years older than me - both of which were slender. At the age where most girls were raiding each other's closets; I had my closet all to myself. None of my friends had to worry about me borrowing a top and not returning it because chances are I couldn't wear their damn shirts anyway. And it gets worse.
When I was 14 I had my first real boyfriend. We were both in 8th grade. By this time I had developed a very over-compensating personality to make me more 'fun' so that people wouldn't notice my acne (which was getting WAY out of hand by this point) or my weight - which was in the 160 range. So winter rolls around and my boyfriend and I do what most tween couples do .. he gave me his jacket. Very cute gesture and all - but I was too fat to wear it. The big embarrassment? (Brace for impact) Even though I was too fat to wear it - I CARRIED his stupid Hornets (I think it was a basketball team?) jacket around and wore my own jacket.
Believe it or not - I wasn't the fattest kid at the school. Even though I was probably in the top 5 - there was one fatter. His name was Amos. Sweet kid. Super smart. Anyway - the 8th grade dance rolls around and of course me and my Hornets Jacket boyfriend have broken up because he's now hooked up with a cheerleader. I went to the dance anyway because 1- entry fee was a can of food which was donated to the local food bank so I was TOTALLY for that. And 2- I had already developed my "I don't care what you think I'll do what I want" attitude. So I went.
It wasn't incredibly fun as I remember. The skinny pretty girls were all crowded up on the dance floor area while I played Super Nintendo in the back room with all the guys that were punching each other in the arms hoping they'll wreck each other while playing Mario Kart. At some point someone talked me into going into the dance area and I got a little funky. Yeah fat girl busted out some fresh moves like the running man. I was like a fat female Vanilla Ice. The other kids were soo jealous. Anyway - so a slow song comes on and I don't have a boyfriend. Hornets Jacket was dancing with his new cheerleader girlfriend so what do I do? I decided right then that I was going to find the one kid who never thought they'd ever dance with a girl and dance with them. I slow danced with Amos. It was awkward, but the look on his face ... I still remember it to this day. He was so pleased with himself - and he was probably the only other 8th grader there that didn't go "Oh man Jennifer is coming over here with her loud mouth and fat ass."
8th grade ended and the summer before Freshman Year started. Somehow I lost weight. I was wearing a US size 5 and I was pretty damn pleased with myself. I hadn't been THAT thin since I was like .. 11. The first day of school people were freaking out about how hot I was, and I immediately hated all that attention. I was still the same person - I just had less fat. The popular kids were trying to get me in their little group. The jocks were hitting on me. Seniors were trying to get me to go out on date with them .. it was just really upsetting.
I started dying my hair and wearing mismatched clothes from places like .. Salvation Army. I found old clothes at my Grandmother's house (dresses from like the late 40s early 50s) and would wear those with combat boots. You have to take into mind that this was the time that Grunge was still kinda big - Dazed and Confused was every highschooler's favorite movie - and Z.Cavaricci is what every teenage girl was throwing tantrums to make their parents buy them. I somehow faded into obscurity. The girls didn't understand why I'd dress the way I do when I was so 'thin and pretty' and the guys just thought I was insane.
I stayed at a healthy, toned 130lbs until Junior year when I got fat again. How? I don't know. I was on the tennis team all through highschool which meant that every day after practice I ran a mile and a half. Every spring I was on the highschool softball team which meant that I ran a lot then too. I just got fat again. I didn't know why - but by that time I didn't care. I went from 130 freshman year to about 160 by the end of my junior year.
Senior year rolls around and I went down to about 140. I think its because I was doing a full 7 hour highschool classes, 2 sports, night classes for college and working. I don't remember really eating other than when I worked (and at this time I worked at a diner.) My thin-ness didn't last but maybe another year when I put on a whopping 40lbs in one year. I started exercising by running a mile or two a day and going to the local pool every day during the summer. It wasn't working.
8 years ago I weighed 180lbs and wore a US size 12. I couldn't shop at the department stores anymore which I had started to really like. No more Guess or BeBe jeans for me. They didn't make that stuff for fatties. I now had to shop at Famous Barr in the Plus Size section. I didn't like it at first, but I got used to it.
3 years ago I weighed 210 and wore a US size 16. I could ONLY shop at stores that were geared for plus size women - and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't even buy bras or underwear at a damn Wal Mart because they didn't have my size.
On May 5th I was measured, weighed - everything. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 265lbs. For the last year I have been exercising almost to the point where its excruciating and I have not lost a single pound. In fact I have gained (on average) 10-20lbs a year for my entire life. I've done every fad diet - and even switched to whole foods and nothing was working. Why? Why am I sitting here and getting fatter and fatter?!
Before Keith and I took our trip to Germany I said I needed new clothes so that I don't have to wear sweatpants everywhere we go. I went to all the local shops - I was too fat. Nothing above a size US 18 (UK 16). I even went to the BX on base - nothing above a US 16. I had to buy clothes online. Luckily I found a plus size shop called Torrid that had great patterns and colors so that I don't have to wear a damn tent. Still - it was depressing. Even at this plus size specialty store - the biggest size they had is a US 22. I am a US 22. I am as big as clothing gets .. and that set me over the edge.
I decided that all these problems can't just be me. I am not sneaking food. I am doing lots of physical activity every single day. I am eating pretty damn healthy and still I continue to gain weight.
Thyroid. Its one of those things about your body that you don't really pay attention to until its not doing its job ... and apparently mine has never really worked. My thyroid has been functioning at 4x LESS that it should be for probably my entire life. My cholesterol is decent (120) my bloodpressure isn't too bad (102/86 - which I think is wonderful for someone as big as me) and I've still packed on weight.
I initially went to the doctor because of menopausal symptoms. I was scared. I'm 28 and experiencing every symptom of menopause in the book. It isn't menopause - but my pituitary gland is worn out. All these years my pituitary gland has been trying to produce not only my normal hormones, but has been trying to pick up the slack that my thyroid left. Not good, but also not necessarily permanent.
I've been on thyroid medication for a week now - and already I feel amazing. I'm still fat - but I am so relieved to know that this one silly pill once a day is going to make all this working out I do actually WORK.
Today I met with a physiotherapist who I shocked the hell out of. He had me doing some strength training reps - and was amazed that even though I'm so huge - I am not really out of 'shape'. I can bike a mile in 6 minutes. I can do 2 sets of 10 of anything you throw at me and do it in perfect form. I can do 'body squats' just as well as someone 1/3 my size.
I realize that all this is probably WAY more info than anyone ever wanted to read about me (if anyone besides me reads this). Losing all this weight that a lifetime has put on me isn't going to be easy - but just knowing that I haven't done this to myself has taken a lot of weight off me mentally.
I always hated going to the gym because I'm always the fattest person there. Today - I didn't care. Those fuckers can think whatever they want about me cuz I know they aren't going to say anything. I will be SO glad to get on an airplane and fasten the seat belt without having to suck in a little. I will be SOO glad to be able to sit in any kind of seat and not feel like the chair is giving me a hug from behind because I fit into it so snugly. Most of all - I will be SOOO glad to be able to LOOK how I've always FELT for once.
I hope that maybe someone can draw some inspiration from some of this and just know that change is always possible. Motivation isn't instant - and usually the things that take the MOST motivation are the most rewarding.
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