My Weight Tale and The Gym

Today I met with a physiotherapist to start a workout regime to help me take off this weight that a lifetime of a non-working thyroid has put on me. Before I get down to the nitty gritty I'll give some background (sorry I don't have pictures - my parents have all my childhood pictures and they are in the States and I'm in the UK for at least 2 more years.)

I was born 6lb 9oz to a very young mother and was likely a bit premature. I was a very chubby baby and stayed round (imagine Dora the Explorer) until I was about 6. I suddenly got really thin, but that was probably my diet at the time and not the amount of exercise I was getting. To be honest I don't really remember playing outside a lot. I taught myself to ride a bike when I was 5 and was what is now called a latch-key kid. The way I understand it - being a latch-key kid was a very normal thing in the 80s.

My thin spurt didn't last and by the time I was 10 I was wearing the same clothes as my mother (about a size 4 in US women's sizes) and was very round. I went swimming almost every day in the summer as well as playing soccer one summer and playing girls' softball every year until I was 19. I got so big in fact, that my parents had a hard time buying clothes for me. I couldn't quite wear women's clothes because I had no chest to fill out the shirts, I was too short, and the neck and arm holes were too big. I couldn't quite wear women's pants because I just lacked the correct proportions.

My early teens are filled with memories of squeezing into jeans, or worse: my poor dad giving me a loving pat on the back when I had to wear jeans that had elastic backs or sides - or full elastic waists. I kept getting fat - but my parents were convinced that I was eating too much, or sneaking food, or maybe even eating things like sweets while at friends' houses (even though I don't recall having more than 1 friend until I was about 14.)

I started wearing bras when I was only in the 3rd grade. Not because I actually had breasts - but because I was so fat that my body does what most female bodies do and started storing fat in my breasts. Okay, so maybe I did kinda have breasts. But still - it was because of my weight not because of development. Of course I was teased a lot by the boys - but somehow I had the bra conversation with my dad. Did I have to wear it? Was there a way that I could wear it without everyone being able to tell? I had come home from school bawling my 9 year old eyes out. The TV was on (we only had 3 channels) and some random episode of The Brady Bunch was on. Dad pointed out to me "Hey look. Marcia is wearing a bra and she's on TV and you don't see anyone making fun of her. Those kids are just little bastards and are probably just jealous because you have something they don't. They're just too young to realize it yet." I didn't mind bras so much after that.

I slowly got bigger. My mom had an appendectomy and a hysterectomy when I was 13 which caused her to go from a healthy US size 8 to a tiny size 4. She was THRILLED to be that 'small' again, I was mad. The clothes she and I used to share were now just mine because they were too big for her. I no longer had a 'peer' when it came to clothes and instead was the outsider. My mom got to wear all the clothes I should've been wearing while I was stuck wearing slightly less frilly/pretty/stylish ones.

I had 2 girl cousins that were only about 3 years older than me - both of which were slender. At the age where most girls were raiding each other's closets; I had my closet all to myself. None of my friends had to worry about me borrowing a top and not returning it because chances are I couldn't wear their damn shirts anyway. And it gets worse.

When I was 14 I had my first real boyfriend. We were both in 8th grade. By this time I had developed a very over-compensating personality to make me more 'fun' so that people wouldn't notice my acne (which was getting WAY out of hand by this point) or my weight - which was in the 160 range. So winter rolls around and my boyfriend and I do what most tween couples do .. he gave me his jacket. Very cute gesture and all - but I was too fat to wear it. The big embarrassment? (Brace for impact) Even though I was too fat to wear it - I CARRIED his stupid Hornets (I think it was a basketball team?) jacket around and wore my own jacket.

Believe it or not - I wasn't the fattest kid at the school. Even though I was probably in the top 5 - there was one fatter. His name was Amos. Sweet kid. Super smart. Anyway - the 8th grade dance rolls around and of course me and my Hornets Jacket boyfriend have broken up because he's now hooked up with a cheerleader. I went to the dance anyway because 1- entry fee was a can of food which was donated to the local food bank so I was TOTALLY for that. And 2- I had already developed my "I don't care what you think I'll do what I want" attitude. So I went.

It wasn't incredibly fun as I remember. The skinny pretty girls were all crowded up on the dance floor area while I played Super Nintendo in the back room with all the guys that were punching each other in the arms hoping they'll wreck each other while playing Mario Kart. At some point someone talked me into going into the dance area and I got a little funky. Yeah fat girl busted out some fresh moves like the running man. I was like a fat female Vanilla Ice. The other kids were soo jealous. Anyway - so a slow song comes on and I don't have a boyfriend. Hornets Jacket was dancing with his new cheerleader girlfriend so what do I do? I decided right then that I was going to find the one kid who never thought they'd ever dance with a girl and dance with them. I slow danced with Amos. It was awkward, but the look on his face ... I still remember it to this day. He was so pleased with himself - and he was probably the only other 8th grader there that didn't go "Oh man Jennifer is coming over here with her loud mouth and fat ass."

8th grade ended and the summer before Freshman Year started. Somehow I lost weight. I was wearing a US size 5 and I was pretty damn pleased with myself. I hadn't been THAT thin since I was like .. 11. The first day of school people were freaking out about how hot I was, and I immediately hated all that attention. I was still the same person - I just had less fat. The popular kids were trying to get me in their little group. The jocks were hitting on me. Seniors were trying to get me to go out on date with them .. it was just really upsetting.

I started dying my hair and wearing mismatched clothes from places like .. Salvation Army. I found old clothes at my Grandmother's house (dresses from like the late 40s early 50s) and would wear those with combat boots. You have to take into mind that this was the time that Grunge was still kinda big - Dazed and Confused was every highschooler's favorite movie - and Z.Cavaricci is what every teenage girl was throwing tantrums to make their parents buy them. I somehow faded into obscurity. The girls didn't understand why I'd dress the way I do when I was so 'thin and pretty' and the guys just thought I was insane.

I stayed at a healthy, toned 130lbs until Junior year when I got fat again. How? I don't know. I was on the tennis team all through highschool which meant that every day after practice I ran a mile and a half. Every spring I was on the highschool softball team which meant that I ran a lot then too. I just got fat again. I didn't know why - but by that time I didn't care. I went from 130 freshman year to about 160 by the end of my junior year.

Senior year rolls around and I went down to about 140. I think its because I was doing a full 7 hour highschool classes, 2 sports, night classes for college and working. I don't remember really eating other than when I worked (and at this time I worked at a diner.) My thin-ness didn't last but maybe another year when I put on a whopping 40lbs in one year. I started exercising by running a mile or two a day and going to the local pool every day during the summer. It wasn't working.

8 years ago I weighed 180lbs and wore a US size 12. I couldn't shop at the department stores anymore which I had started to really like. No more Guess or BeBe jeans for me. They didn't make that stuff for fatties. I now had to shop at Famous Barr in the Plus Size section. I didn't like it at first, but I got used to it.

3 years ago I weighed 210 and wore a US size 16. I could ONLY shop at stores that were geared for plus size women - and it had gotten to the point that I couldn't even buy bras or underwear at a damn Wal Mart because they didn't have my size.

On May 5th I was measured, weighed - everything. I am the heaviest I have ever been at 265lbs. For the last year I have been exercising almost to the point where its excruciating and I have not lost a single pound. In fact I have gained (on average) 10-20lbs a year for my entire life. I've done every fad diet - and even switched to whole foods and nothing was working. Why? Why am I sitting here and getting fatter and fatter?!

Before Keith and I took our trip to Germany I said I needed new clothes so that I don't have to wear sweatpants everywhere we go. I went to all the local shops - I was too fat. Nothing above a size US 18 (UK 16). I even went to the BX on base - nothing above a US 16. I had to buy clothes online. Luckily I found a plus size shop called Torrid that had great patterns and colors so that I don't have to wear a damn tent. Still - it was depressing. Even at this plus size specialty store - the biggest size they had is a US 22. I am a US 22. I am as big as clothing gets .. and that set me over the edge.

I decided that all these problems can't just be me. I am not sneaking food. I am doing lots of physical activity every single day. I am eating pretty damn healthy and still I continue to gain weight.

Thyroid. Its one of those things about your body that you don't really pay attention to until its not doing its job ... and apparently mine has never really worked. My thyroid has been functioning at 4x LESS that it should be for probably my entire life. My cholesterol is decent (120) my bloodpressure isn't too bad (102/86 - which I think is wonderful for someone as big as me) and I've still packed on weight.

I initially went to the doctor because of menopausal symptoms. I was scared. I'm 28 and experiencing every symptom of menopause in the book. It isn't menopause - but my pituitary gland is worn out. All these years my pituitary gland has been trying to produce not only my normal hormones, but has been trying to pick up the slack that my thyroid left. Not good, but also not necessarily permanent.

I've been on thyroid medication for a week now - and already I feel amazing. I'm still fat - but I am so relieved to know that this one silly pill once a day is going to make all this working out I do actually WORK.

Today I met with a physiotherapist who I shocked the hell out of. He had me doing some strength training reps - and was amazed that even though I'm so huge - I am not really out of 'shape'. I can bike a mile in 6 minutes. I can do 2 sets of 10 of anything you throw at me and do it in perfect form. I can do 'body squats' just as well as someone 1/3 my size.

I realize that all this is probably WAY more info than anyone ever wanted to read about me (if anyone besides me reads this). Losing all this weight that a lifetime has put on me isn't going to be easy - but just knowing that I haven't done this to myself has taken a lot of weight off me mentally.

I always hated going to the gym because I'm always the fattest person there. Today - I didn't care. Those fuckers can think whatever they want about me cuz I know they aren't going to say anything. I will be SO glad to get on an airplane and fasten the seat belt without having to suck in a little. I will be SOO glad to be able to sit in any kind of seat and not feel like the chair is giving me a hug from behind because I fit into it so snugly. Most of all - I will be SOOO glad to be able to LOOK how I've always FELT for once.

I hope that maybe someone can draw some inspiration from some of this and just know that change is always possible. Motivation isn't instant - and usually the things that take the MOST motivation are the most rewarding.

Wrapping Paper Sucks

When I lived at home with my parents, I used to have my mom wrap all my gifts because she was SO particular. She liked them to be wrapped a certain way, and they had to look pretty. I never really understood because hey - they're just going to get torn open anyway, right?! Well the other day I couldn't find scissors to wrap a few of Keith's gifts so I ended up just ripping the paper from the roll. A day or two later he wrapped his gifts to me and sat them under our little one foot tall fiber optic tree and I immediately sulked.

He put so much time and effort into wrapping my gifts and here mine looked like complete crap in comparison. No idea why that bothered me, but it did! I felt like some kind of Christmas failure. He's already dubbed me Miss Grinch - and seeing our wrapping jobs next to each other just made it all worse.

I have one gift of his left to wrap, and I've decided that I'm going to put some effort into wrapping it. We haven't got any ribbon or bows - but I am still going to at least make it look better than the shoddy job I did on the others.

We share so many interests - but holiday cheer is not one of them. I really have tried, but no dice. People decking their houses out with lights is somewhat a new 'thing' here in England, but in the States nearly everyone does it. I kind of expect that sort of thing out of Americans. America is the land of excess, the country of waste. Who cares about how much electricity we waste on all those decorations - looks good don't it?! Here we separate all our trash in order to put things in our recycle bin which is about 3x the size of our trash bin. The inspection for cars is far more in depth here than in America ... but now England is splurging and tossing aside their green way of things in favor of having twinkling lights all over their cottages, bungalows, and flats. It makes me feel bad, in a way. I really don't know how to explain it.

Keith and I haven't really made any friends here. Nearly everyone he works with is well older than we are - and if they aren't then they have at least two kids which immediately puts a bit of a damper on things. We have, however, met up with our Second Life friend Treebee - and she has definitely stepped up to the unknown challenge of taking the place of my best friend.

Okay so she isn't really my BEST friend because how could anyone ever fill the gap of my REAL best friend, Stefanie? They couldn't. Stef and I have known each other since we were 15 (Holy crap 12 years already?!) and we have been through so much together. We're sisters, really. Not the bickering type sisters, but the kind that finishes each others' sentences. Though Tree is well older than I am (her daughter is 15) she has this amazing aura about her. She and I are eerily alike in amazingly so many ways that it almost puts me off. Things that I like (that Stef doesn't) and I think - no one could ever like THAT - Tree likes it! She just puts off this energy that makes you want to just hug her. She's so raw and honest, yet carefree and cautious. Its really hard for me to describe.

Keith and I have invited Tree, her man, and her daughter over for Christmas dinner. Last Christmas Keith was still living in the dorms on the military base, and his suite mate was on leave so it was just us. It was charming, really - but it was quite sterile. Even though I didn't have a great holiday family I still missed the anxiety of getting things together for them.

Its weird, really. I hate cleaning house - but I love cleaning it when I know that Tree and her lot are coming over. I'm not cleaning the house for me, I'm doing it for them. Yes, I know they wouldn't care if my house looked like complete shite - but it feels like I'm reaching some sort of goal when I do it.

I've only just noticed that I'm jumping around a lot in what I'm writing, but I'm just going with whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it seems frantic :(

I haven't started working out yet. Keith wanted to go one day last week, but I had my monthly and really wasn't feeling up to it (who could blame me?!) I'm still not sure if or when I will feel compelled enough to actually get my arse in gear and work out. A big part is that since we've been together I feel so physically dwarfed by his good looks. He's tall and thin with a great personality. He's a people pleaser. He's just a good guy. I'm short and fat with a weird personality that couldn't be bothered with what anyone else thinks .. unless I'm with him. I think my deviant self is really an embarrassment to him or something. I think that somehow, somewhere inside him that he HAS to be embarrassed of how I look. Skinny blond bloke like him should have a skinny bird on his arm. Not some loud mouth mix of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnel with a heavy helping of Bjork's eccentricity. Not that I don't love every one of those women (who are so outspoken about politics, feminism, and art) but it never feels like it suits him.

Time and time again I've heard lines of if you're happy with yourself then you've got it made. I am happy with myself. I really don't have a problem with my body - but I just feel like I'm not as .. well .. hot as I should be, I guess.

Never has Keith said "You're fat and I find you unattractive." Hell, I've never even caught him oogling a prettier woman which means he's either A) way more slick than I could ever imagine or B) I really put too much stock in how I think I'm looked upon. It isn't as shallow as what I'm wearing because I'm shameless when it comes to clothes. I will wear the tackiest shit because I like it! But its because as the years go by its harder and harder to find clothes. I really don't like wearing what I can only call a 'tent'. I want to wear weird leg warmers and 3 shirts at the same time. Maybe some hot pink holographic tights under a skirt with a pair of worn out yellow Chuck Taylor's. But I can't. I'm too fat.

Then it comes back around. I'm too fat but I know working out won't do a thing for me. Argue all you want, but even in high school when I was what I would NOW call thin (5'4 140lbs) I ran more than a mile every day - yet still I was round. I had a belly pooch. I had dimples on my thighs. When I sat down my stomach still rolled over the top of my jeans! At one point I even did the no carb thing - and I didn't lose a pound. I only got more tired! I've been reading and at this stage in my life I am considered obese. I used to think that it took far more to be obese, but I've hit that mark. Women who weigh more than like 200lbs are considered obese, and that really bothers me. Not the WORD obese, but the health risks that come with it.

There are surgical procedures that can be done, but being on military health care I can't have a one of them. I don't see a Lt. Col. calling me back to surgery to have my gut stapled. It just won't happen. I also don't see how I would get anything like that done here in England where you are 3x as likely to die of easily curable cancers like colon cancer than in the States. And see, I've gone and freaked myself out. BAH!

Working out won't hurt anything. My shins won't let me run anymore due to all the hard running in high school for the tennis and softball teams - but I could ride an exercise bike I'd bet. I'm sure that if I started out with just like ... 15 mins on a bike then walked a mile or so on a treadmill that the results would start to show. I've heard NOTHING but GOOD things about pilates, but I don't think I live anywhere near a gym that offers such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'll do something. Sometime. Maybe.

I am NOT ready for my close-up

I have an appointment today at a hair salon to get my hair cut, and after that Keith and I have an appointment at a photography studio to get professional pictures taken. Sounds fab, huh? IT ISN'T!

I always get a bout of anxiety and get real 'uppidy' when it comes to things like this. Okay fine, you got me - I get high strung about nearly everything and have a little freak out session often ... but getting my hair cut is always one of those things that just freak me out!

Part of the reason is up until about 3 years ago, I had the same hair dresser since I was 9. She knew my hair. She knew that no matter what haircut I WANTED she always knew what would look better. The problem with getting a new hairdresser is if you walk in and say "I want my hair cut like THIS" that they will cut it like that and if its complete shite you're stuck with it. *MY* hairdresser would never do that to me. To make this all worse we're having pictures taken afterward.

So a stranger is going to be chopping at my hair and probably not caring if the haircut clashes with my fat face. She probably won't know that even though my hair has turned a brownish reddish color with my age - that it still shows EVERY cut you make as if it were still blond. I had the hardest time as a blond. It took *MY* hairdresser a few years to get the hang of cutting my hair just right so that you couldn't see every cut she made. When I was about 13 that "Rachel" haircut (y'know .. from friends?) with the millions of layers was in. I could not sport this haircut because of my blondish reddish naturally highlighted hair because every layer looked as if you had given me different facets of a bowl cut.

Will this hairdresser butcher my hair? Will she actually listen to the things I tell her like:

• I don't have a natural part
• Even though I don't have any cow licks - one side of my hair always seems longer than the other
• If I can't style it with and walk out the door in 10 minutes - I'll hate it
• Bangs/Fringe make my face look fatter and I don't care what you say
• I have a weird mole thing on my head so if you even HINT at it I'll be mortified
• Even if you thin my hair out its still REALLY thick and will take you a half hour to blow dry
• If you have to use a curling iron on my hair to make it look good - you're trying too hard
• I prefer to not use more than two products on my hair on the rare occasion i DO style it
• Take into consideration I get a haircut once a year when it hits that awkward grow out stage
• The messier the better

I know that all seems like a lot, and some if it is contradictory ... but will she even listen?! Will she humor me and just grin and nod and then just do her own thing? Does anyone else ever freak out like this before getting their hair cut? I feel so juvenile!

My other 'freak out' thing right now is pictures. The last time I had professional portraits done was in high school. I didn't mind it so much because hey - its a portrait and I thought I was totally friggin' hot back then. Well I've gained probably 50 pounds (if not MORE) since then, but was lucky enough to marry a very VERY attractive man. Now, I feel inferior in looks (which drives Keith up the WALL and he wishes I'd just stop it!) and I wish I were thin enough to hide behind him for this whole ordeal. Vertically, I can hide behind him - but otherwise FORGET IT! I know that these aren't going to be full nude pictures (or even partially for that matter) but I do know the extra work it takes to photograph such contrasting couples for classic portrait photography. I know that I would feel more comfortable if I could somehow take our pictures myself - but we'd end up with these 'weird' photos that would just play off our contrasting appearance and it would be more minimalist slash modern portraits .. but GAH!

Regardless of my level of freak out (we are at Def con Bravo right now on my Freak Out Meter, people!) I will end up somehow pulling myself together to do all of this stuff. I'll sit in that salon chair and make small talk while a strange lady touches that weird mole on my head. I will then probably have to go into a story saying how my mother AND grandmother both have a mole in that same spot, and probably then say the same for the one near my ear which we all 3 have in common. We'll talk about the weather and about what we got our families for Christmas. I'll then thank her for her work on my what COULD be butchered hair, then I'll pick Keith up from work. After that I'll stand around in a studio drooling over the cameras, asking the photographer what school they went to (if any), and simply wait for the discomfort which comes once they start squinting behind a tripod (because few photographers actually look through the finder anymore with these new digital thingies) while I keep saying "don't blink don't blink don't blink" to myself in my head.

Ugh, am I losing my mind?!

Some days it seems all I do is bitch

I do read what I write - and I'm fully aware that it seems that all I do is bitch about my life. The fact is: my life is pretty good - and the ONLY things I have to complain about are small things. Yes I realize that I just ADMITTED that they are 'small' but when they occur over and over again - they become bigger annoying things. Anyway - bitching about my amount of bitching isn't any sort of incentive to make me NOT bitch on my blog. Its my blog, after all isn't it?

Last night I went through a lot of trouble to make shrimp alfredo, garlic cheese biscuits (like the ones from Red Lobster) served with a nice Australian shiraz (that's wine). I had to yell at Keith 4 times to get him to come sit down in the kitchen at the table ... by then the shrimp alfredo was already barely above warm .. at any rate I gave Keith more food than me thinking that if I didn't that he'd tear through it and would get up and go back to filming straight away.

What was I hoping for? Hours later after sleeping I can't say for sure. I can say that I was hoping for maybe a little romance. Lately it feels like I go out of my way to do cute and romantic things just to get an "Awww thanks!" then he skips away like I have cooties on the playground. My friend (of like 13 years) Stef says "Oh that just happens over time. Its called being married. Once you're married for so long ya don't really care about those things, and the other person isn't so much the center of your universe anymore ... its getting comfortable." Well I hate it! I don't want to be comfortable!

I'm glad that winter is coming on here in England - all these skinny pretty girls will be hiding themselves in coats and I won't feel so bloaty :D Hahah bitches! That was mean :( But its true!

Upcoming Projects

Alright so Keith has a wedding to film Saturday and I have one to film as well. I'm so so glad to be busy again! Don't get me wrong, the vacation was sooo awesome, but what did I accomplish while gone? Nothing. :( That makes everything seem like such a waste.

I have been planning to shoot a roller derby type music vid for over a month now - and I still plan to do it! Of course things are pushed back a bit due to contracted work .... but that's alright. It will get done when I get time enough to do it.

My biggest fear with these independent things I've been doing is that I'm going to bite off more than I can chew. I have this bad habbit of getting an idea in my head ... and I want it just how I imagined it, but I tend to forget that I lack the technical knowledge to make it identical to my vision. This leads to frustration, aggrivation, and in the long run I totally give up and scrap the whole thing. But I'm going to really really try to not do that.

Self Image

A while back I had posted on how my self esteem had gone down the toilet for various reasons. Well .. it isn't doing much better but now that we're back at home I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had opportunity to really focus on it for it to bother me. Yeah I saw a few celeb pics that made me whimper ... but I'm really not going to fuss with it. I mean seriously ... as far as celebs go they all but get paid to look the way they do. And me? Pft I let my personality do my talking usually. Well that and my totally inability to match. That seems to draw some attention too sometimes.

At any rate I'll just say that I'm over it and be done with it. When I'm feeling a little more aggressive and motivated I'll do something about my self image. But for now? For now I'm going to stay busy with staying busy and feel like I'm worth something instead of staying preoccupied with how I look.

Another thing ... I saw the lead singer of one of my fav bands earlier and was totally blown away. She's a big girl! And she's pretty! Kinda made me puff my tits out a bit. ANYWAY!

Song of the Day

So now to expose you to the woman who made my day. Today's Song of the Day is brought to you by Gossip :)


Standing in the Way of Control by Gossip

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again and I'm not lying.

Oh-whoa-oh, oh-ooh,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa-ooh.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know.

I'm doing this for you,
Because it's easier to lose,
And it's hard to face the truth,
When you think you're dying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives, lives, lives.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh,
Hey, yay, hey, hey.

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.
It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Had some time to myself and thought I'd just get a few of my thoughts down. Not for any real reason other than going back and reading over them when I had a few more moments to myself at another time.

Lately (the past couple weeks) I've felt a bit off. I'm not sure if its being here in Keith's hometown with him or not ... but I can definitely agree with it being my setting that's effecting my mood. Oh well enough of this I'm just going to get right to it otherwise I'll be sitting here all day.

I feel ugly. In a whole, ugly. I don't exactly know what's made me feel this way - but I have a few ideas. I've never felt so self conscious as I have the past few weeks. If I could wrap a parachute around myself and it hide all of my body I'd be perfectly happy with that.

Keith and I were in the city the other day - and there were lots of girls running around in what I have dubbed 'things I used to wear'. I was never a trend-setter. I was the thrift store shopper that piled on clothes into what my parents called The Bag Lady Look ... but evidently its popular here. ANYWAY. I felt strange seeing these girls around 25 (my age) wearing things I wore when I was 17. Of course Keith didn't know me then and simply saw it as cute and said "ya know you could totally still wear that stuff .. and besides its cute!" So we went to a thrift store and I was scared to death.

He kept walking off saying "You find your look .. I'm gonna walk around in this bright pink flamingo shirt and be awesome". I found all sorts of things that I would have happily worn 7 years ago .. but I couldn't force myself to even give them a second glance because all I thought of was how huge my tits are .. or how thick my waist is .. and I just couldn't do it.

I think Keith figured out something was up ... in the car he said 'You're beautiful' .. but even though I felt he meant it .. Its like I didn't really hear him say that. I heard the words come out of his mouth - but in my head I added stuff to it like: You're beautiful ... when no other women are around. or You're beautiful ... any time I have a boner.

I know I know its all so far fetched and stupid but I'm just hitting this 'emo' thing right now and I'm not sure why. I am sure, though, that it will pass and everything will get back to normal. In other news: I am wearing a skirt today.


SONG OF THE DAY!

Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap (Ugh I love this woman!)

Say goodnight and go

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go