For JellyBean

Just a random image I found and said "Even though I know it doesn't .. JellyBean's RL tree should look like this."

Wrapping Paper Sucks

When I lived at home with my parents, I used to have my mom wrap all my gifts because she was SO particular. She liked them to be wrapped a certain way, and they had to look pretty. I never really understood because hey - they're just going to get torn open anyway, right?! Well the other day I couldn't find scissors to wrap a few of Keith's gifts so I ended up just ripping the paper from the roll. A day or two later he wrapped his gifts to me and sat them under our little one foot tall fiber optic tree and I immediately sulked.

He put so much time and effort into wrapping my gifts and here mine looked like complete crap in comparison. No idea why that bothered me, but it did! I felt like some kind of Christmas failure. He's already dubbed me Miss Grinch - and seeing our wrapping jobs next to each other just made it all worse.

I have one gift of his left to wrap, and I've decided that I'm going to put some effort into wrapping it. We haven't got any ribbon or bows - but I am still going to at least make it look better than the shoddy job I did on the others.

We share so many interests - but holiday cheer is not one of them. I really have tried, but no dice. People decking their houses out with lights is somewhat a new 'thing' here in England, but in the States nearly everyone does it. I kind of expect that sort of thing out of Americans. America is the land of excess, the country of waste. Who cares about how much electricity we waste on all those decorations - looks good don't it?! Here we separate all our trash in order to put things in our recycle bin which is about 3x the size of our trash bin. The inspection for cars is far more in depth here than in America ... but now England is splurging and tossing aside their green way of things in favor of having twinkling lights all over their cottages, bungalows, and flats. It makes me feel bad, in a way. I really don't know how to explain it.

Keith and I haven't really made any friends here. Nearly everyone he works with is well older than we are - and if they aren't then they have at least two kids which immediately puts a bit of a damper on things. We have, however, met up with our Second Life friend Treebee - and she has definitely stepped up to the unknown challenge of taking the place of my best friend.

Okay so she isn't really my BEST friend because how could anyone ever fill the gap of my REAL best friend, Stefanie? They couldn't. Stef and I have known each other since we were 15 (Holy crap 12 years already?!) and we have been through so much together. We're sisters, really. Not the bickering type sisters, but the kind that finishes each others' sentences. Though Tree is well older than I am (her daughter is 15) she has this amazing aura about her. She and I are eerily alike in amazingly so many ways that it almost puts me off. Things that I like (that Stef doesn't) and I think - no one could ever like THAT - Tree likes it! She just puts off this energy that makes you want to just hug her. She's so raw and honest, yet carefree and cautious. Its really hard for me to describe.

Keith and I have invited Tree, her man, and her daughter over for Christmas dinner. Last Christmas Keith was still living in the dorms on the military base, and his suite mate was on leave so it was just us. It was charming, really - but it was quite sterile. Even though I didn't have a great holiday family I still missed the anxiety of getting things together for them.

Its weird, really. I hate cleaning house - but I love cleaning it when I know that Tree and her lot are coming over. I'm not cleaning the house for me, I'm doing it for them. Yes, I know they wouldn't care if my house looked like complete shite - but it feels like I'm reaching some sort of goal when I do it.

I've only just noticed that I'm jumping around a lot in what I'm writing, but I'm just going with whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it seems frantic :(

I haven't started working out yet. Keith wanted to go one day last week, but I had my monthly and really wasn't feeling up to it (who could blame me?!) I'm still not sure if or when I will feel compelled enough to actually get my arse in gear and work out. A big part is that since we've been together I feel so physically dwarfed by his good looks. He's tall and thin with a great personality. He's a people pleaser. He's just a good guy. I'm short and fat with a weird personality that couldn't be bothered with what anyone else thinks .. unless I'm with him. I think my deviant self is really an embarrassment to him or something. I think that somehow, somewhere inside him that he HAS to be embarrassed of how I look. Skinny blond bloke like him should have a skinny bird on his arm. Not some loud mouth mix of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnel with a heavy helping of Bjork's eccentricity. Not that I don't love every one of those women (who are so outspoken about politics, feminism, and art) but it never feels like it suits him.

Time and time again I've heard lines of if you're happy with yourself then you've got it made. I am happy with myself. I really don't have a problem with my body - but I just feel like I'm not as .. well .. hot as I should be, I guess.

Never has Keith said "You're fat and I find you unattractive." Hell, I've never even caught him oogling a prettier woman which means he's either A) way more slick than I could ever imagine or B) I really put too much stock in how I think I'm looked upon. It isn't as shallow as what I'm wearing because I'm shameless when it comes to clothes. I will wear the tackiest shit because I like it! But its because as the years go by its harder and harder to find clothes. I really don't like wearing what I can only call a 'tent'. I want to wear weird leg warmers and 3 shirts at the same time. Maybe some hot pink holographic tights under a skirt with a pair of worn out yellow Chuck Taylor's. But I can't. I'm too fat.

Then it comes back around. I'm too fat but I know working out won't do a thing for me. Argue all you want, but even in high school when I was what I would NOW call thin (5'4 140lbs) I ran more than a mile every day - yet still I was round. I had a belly pooch. I had dimples on my thighs. When I sat down my stomach still rolled over the top of my jeans! At one point I even did the no carb thing - and I didn't lose a pound. I only got more tired! I've been reading and at this stage in my life I am considered obese. I used to think that it took far more to be obese, but I've hit that mark. Women who weigh more than like 200lbs are considered obese, and that really bothers me. Not the WORD obese, but the health risks that come with it.

There are surgical procedures that can be done, but being on military health care I can't have a one of them. I don't see a Lt. Col. calling me back to surgery to have my gut stapled. It just won't happen. I also don't see how I would get anything like that done here in England where you are 3x as likely to die of easily curable cancers like colon cancer than in the States. And see, I've gone and freaked myself out. BAH!

Working out won't hurt anything. My shins won't let me run anymore due to all the hard running in high school for the tennis and softball teams - but I could ride an exercise bike I'd bet. I'm sure that if I started out with just like ... 15 mins on a bike then walked a mile or so on a treadmill that the results would start to show. I've heard NOTHING but GOOD things about pilates, but I don't think I live anywhere near a gym that offers such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'll do something. Sometime. Maybe.

I was tagged.

So Hawk's tagged me, and I had no idea WTF I was being tagged for so I had to read. I like reading, fortunately. So here we are at the 'tagging' portion.

(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.



(1) I prefer hot drinks to cold ones. I will pick warm red wine over a cold beer any day of the week. I will drink a cup of tea or coffee before I will even think of cracking open a can of pop. I also tend to use a lot of sugar in my hot drinks (3 sugars and milk, please) which tend to make a lot of people shudder (especially here in England) but hey .. I like it!

(2) I took voice lessons for 9 years and am a 'classically' trained singer. I auditioned for a small part in the off-Broadway production of Phantom of the Opera in 1999. I sang on stage (ever so briefly) with Sara Brightman who was touring with the troupe and training the new Christine. Though it was only one song .. I thought I could have died happy at that moment. Unfortunately I was offered a job I didn't want (set construction) and turned it down. I addition to my voice lessons I was awarded a vocal scholarship to University of Missouri (Mizzou) but the scholarship didn't pay enough so it went to waste. I was awarded a walk on softball scholarship as well as a vocal and bright flight (I scored a 32 on my ACT) scholarships to a small community college. Also? I sing off key and stuff on purpose because I think my 'operatic' singing voice is odd and that anyone who is around to me to actually hear me sing would turn up their nose.

(3) If I my husband didn't demand otherwise - I would dress like Punky Brewster. I mean, even now my clothes are a hodge podge of things I pick up at Charity shops and I tend to heavily layer things. If he didn't have so much say in how I look publicly - I would most likely resemble a bag lady .. only without the stench.

(4) Apple juice makes me poop. A lot. I know its gross, but your average normal person should be able to drink a glass of apple juice without running to the bathroom an hour later! I am not average and can NOT drink much apple juice. Anything more than ohh .. a glass that you'd drink a cocktail out of is TOO much. I used to think it was an allergy, but I can eat apples! I don't know anymore .. I just avoid apple juice for the most part.

(5) I keep tarot cards in a blue Hello Kitty tin inside a purple velvet pouch. I used to search tirelessly for 'antique' tarot cards, but I could never tell how old any one card was :( So I gave up, and just keep the deck I was given when I was 15. Also? I've always wanted a crystal ball and have always wanted to make a living by being a 'fortune teller' or spellcaster. So far, no dice. But there have been a couple times I've thought about charging for tarot readings and stuff. Maybe. One day.

(6)I'm a sleep humper. It was embarrassing when I was younger. I'd be sleeping over at a friends' house, toss, turn, then do a little humpage on whatever. A pillow, leg, pet golden retriever .. whatever was RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I thought it was weird and perverse, but evidently its fairly common for people to do that sort of thing. Its just a different 'soothing' action when you're almost woken up. I've been doing it apparently since I was 2 (according to my mother).

(7)I can pooch out my stomach SO FAR that it looks like I'm like 135 months pregnant. I will also have to admit here that I have done this to cut in line at public bathrooms. Though I kinda feel bad for using my 'stupid human trick' to just cut in line .. I will say that if there were any elderly or if there were actually a pregnant woman in line then I would gladly give them my spot. I also threaten to have "Pregnant Days" when Keith is a butthole to me. He thinks its gross and creepy so I use it to my advantage. Piss me off? Oooh no! We're in public and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant with a 15 pound kid!

(8)I have victory dances for almost every kind of 'victory' imaginable. Such as:
Right Answer
They said Yes
I just shot someone (video game)
I got a headshot (video game)
OMFG I am so excited
Haha I'm doing this dance to embarass you
I can't believe you just admitted I was right
Haha I told you I was right
I just got a treat (candy/chocolate)
I just got a present (birthday)
I just got a present (holiday)
I just got a suprise (all occasions)
I love this show (TV/Series)
I love this song

The list goes on and on :/

so now I must tag folks. Eight of them ...

Jen
Saraa
Keith
WillowZ
Chris
Dave
Valerie
Stef

There are no Cafes in Second Life

For hours I trapsed around in search of a good looking cafe in Second Life. There was once a cafe on Tya Fallingbridge's sim that I used to absolutely love but it is no more. After seeing it was under construction I lept over to Lost and Amby's because I remember hanging out at a positively posh cafe on their sim also. Alas, it too was no more.

Why? Why are there no casual semi quiet hang out spots on Second Life? I'm not talking about a cardboad box in the middle of a shopping mall sim. I'm talking about Barnesworth, Nylon, Toast, Makaio or Cory quality friggin cafe!

Maybe I'm simply asking too much from builders and content creators inside Second Life. Again, a simple hang out doesn't bring them business for the most part. I understand that completely, really I do. But as both an ambiance driven writer, and as a maker of machinima within SL I find it really difficult to find things I want to look at or be in for long periods of time.

After hours of searching, my persistance paid off. I found one tiny cafe in a sim I've never heard of and sat down to write all this. Thank you to Kewl Beans Cafe, for being so unique. Many many thanks for providing a relaxing environment that's of such high quality. I can't get enough of this place.

Hangout

So upon arrival I found a few spots that suited my ocular pleasure as I opened some frequented blog pages and settled in with a cup of hot spearmint tea. I read about JellyBean's day, read a few lines of Perez Hilton's vile rubbish (I do find the captions entertaining at times), then checked my e-mail. Funny how some trash celeb e-zine comes before my own email, but it did. I hung out alone in a virtual world while being invited to enter one of mine and Keith's videos into a machinima contest. Do not think this is sad, because I rather enjoy being alone for the most part. When I want some form of company or companionship I ask for it.

Machinima

Once upon a time Keith and I used to make many many music video machinima shorts. There was no real point other than me hearing a song and wanting to get my 'spin' of it put to film for nothing more than to just see it.

He's no longer interested in producing videos like this. Let me reiterate: I do not remake existing music videos. I don't watch an artist's music video and recreate it. Instead, I listen to a song over and over and listen to the lyrics. Its not often that lyrics are literal. Most of the time they're quite cryptic and mean something other than what they say. With a poet's ear I listen and take every thought and emotion I have that relates to the song and I write it down. Ugh I've gotten off point ...

I plan to start making those music videos again. If I have to do it alone with no extras I will. I've taught myself so much as far as filming and editing go that I feel I should do some, if for nothing else to say to my husband "See. I can do this without you and it is marvelous." Though now isn't the best time for me to commit myself to such projects, I will have time to do so soon.

England

Keith has gotten his orders and we leave May 18th for England. My visa still hasn't come in, but we were told that we have plenty of time so that I can leave with him and not have to stay behind. We're both very excited, but we also know that its going to be very intimidating and quite hectic. How often is it that someone packs up everything they own without being with their belongings while they move? I think that scares me most. Putting all our things into boxes and arriving with nothing but our suitcases in hopes that our boxes show up within a day or so of our arrival. Maybe I think too much.

Music

While Keith and I were visiting my family I had said that I would take all our pictures, make a slideshow, and set it to music. My mother instantly insisted I use all these modern 'pop' songs and I cringed. My 44 year old mother wants me to put pictures to the music of Eminem, Pink, and Akon? I didn't even know who Akon was until we got back home and I loaded up imeem. I thought "Surely she can't be serious" but she is. Somehow my mother has digressed into listening to music that most teenagers listen to. I found it odd, but who am I to judge? Once upon a time my parents made fun of me for listening to The Cranberries, Garbage, Moloko ... and suddenly I found myself on the verge of laughter. She calls that music?

Instead I've decided that one day soon I need to sit down and make her a CD with one song from each of my favorite artists. I'm sure it won't be something she'll listen to in the car on her way to Forever 21 - but maybe she can learn that there is more than just Modern Pop and Bob Seager out there (those are the only two things she listens to). She's always had an open mind and been a bit of a free spirit, but at the same time she's always been so sheltered.

She's never been exposed to anything outside the state of Missouri, or even outside of the US for that matter, and I find that tragic. She's never tried sushi or sake. Never have I seen her wear anything other than 'acceptable fashion'. Its like she's in this shell that doesn't fit. My trip to the UK for the next 3 years is very much going to involve me indirectly exposing her to things. Maybe then she'll have my father book a trip to somewhere they've never been.

Possible Book

I've actually had a few ideas lately on a book I'd like to start writing. Again, the only drawback is the fact that Keith and I will be leaving soon. That means I can't work on it exclusively, which I'd positively love to do. Again, this is one of those things that will have to wait until we are in England and things are sorted. I'm sure I'll find plenty of coffee shops and cafes in Cambridge or even London to sit in and write the day away.

Friends

I came to a realization earlier that along with this move - once we are there I will have to make friends. I didn't bother while we were here in Oklahoma because if I wanted to go anywhere it isn't as if I can't find my way back and whatnot. But I realized in England, even though I'm going to be living there for three years, things are going to be quite different. I will be in a new place that I'll most surely want to explore, but there's no fun in doing that alone.

Yes of course Keith and I will go to London and such on weekends when he's not at work - but what about other times? What if I want to go shopping? It would be rather nice to have girlfriends to do things like that with. For most my life I had the same girlfriend, Stefanie. She and I did everything together whenever the other had the urge to do something. Even grocery shopping. Here in Oklahoma I haven't really missed that because I've got Keith - and I've lost interest in simply 'hanging out' since I left home.

My hanging out is done when Keith comes home. We talk about what we did while away from the other one, we cuddle up after dinner and sometimes smoke hookah or just drink tea together ... and as completely dreamily wonderful that is there are times that I'd like to leave a note saying "Darling - Went out with the girls for drinks and will be home around 11pm. Love, Me."

At any rate -- life is simply great and I couldn't be happier (I say that quite a bit I know). I didn't even think of putting up a Song of the Day today - so that will come later or tomorrow when it crosses my mind again. For now: Pictures of my outing to Kewl Beans Cafe in Second Life