Had some time to myself and thought I'd just get a few of my thoughts down. Not for any real reason other than going back and reading over them when I had a few more moments to myself at another time.

Lately (the past couple weeks) I've felt a bit off. I'm not sure if its being here in Keith's hometown with him or not ... but I can definitely agree with it being my setting that's effecting my mood. Oh well enough of this I'm just going to get right to it otherwise I'll be sitting here all day.

I feel ugly. In a whole, ugly. I don't exactly know what's made me feel this way - but I have a few ideas. I've never felt so self conscious as I have the past few weeks. If I could wrap a parachute around myself and it hide all of my body I'd be perfectly happy with that.

Keith and I were in the city the other day - and there were lots of girls running around in what I have dubbed 'things I used to wear'. I was never a trend-setter. I was the thrift store shopper that piled on clothes into what my parents called The Bag Lady Look ... but evidently its popular here. ANYWAY. I felt strange seeing these girls around 25 (my age) wearing things I wore when I was 17. Of course Keith didn't know me then and simply saw it as cute and said "ya know you could totally still wear that stuff .. and besides its cute!" So we went to a thrift store and I was scared to death.

He kept walking off saying "You find your look .. I'm gonna walk around in this bright pink flamingo shirt and be awesome". I found all sorts of things that I would have happily worn 7 years ago .. but I couldn't force myself to even give them a second glance because all I thought of was how huge my tits are .. or how thick my waist is .. and I just couldn't do it.

I think Keith figured out something was up ... in the car he said 'You're beautiful' .. but even though I felt he meant it .. Its like I didn't really hear him say that. I heard the words come out of his mouth - but in my head I added stuff to it like: You're beautiful ... when no other women are around. or You're beautiful ... any time I have a boner.

I know I know its all so far fetched and stupid but I'm just hitting this 'emo' thing right now and I'm not sure why. I am sure, though, that it will pass and everything will get back to normal. In other news: I am wearing a skirt today.


SONG OF THE DAY!

Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap (Ugh I love this woman!)

Say goodnight and go

Skipping beats, flashing jeeps
I am struggling
Daydreaming, been sitting, the corner cafe
And I'm left in bits, recovered tectonic, trembling
You get me everytime

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home
You've got your headphones on
And your dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot
You're taking everything off

Watch the curtains, wide open
And you fall in the same routine
Flicking through the TV
Relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone

Oh why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together
Go

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go