So Long to SL Machinima/My Old YouTube Account

As most everyone knows or has noticed - I haven't done videos in SL in well over a year now. I used to get a kick out of making videos and stretching my editing muscles, but those days are over.

It started with filming peoples' weddings, then moved on to other projects - but I no longer have interest in such things. As a matter of fact, SL itself has pretty much served its purpose for me. Will I be leaving SL? Hell I only log in now to talk to friends every now and then as it is.

About 7 months ago some random person I don't even know had posted a video response to an old video of mine. Before allowing it as a response I viewed their video and wasn't too impressed. I understand that with hobbies and even real work that when you start out you're no good. I mean hell, Keith and I weren't that great when we started out either. He had video editing knowledge but unfortunately SL lacked the ability to give us the results we wanted. Anyway - I am off track.

So this person's video was of them dancing in a single animated loop for about 5 minutes to a song. Typical youtube video on most accounts, really. Since I didn't feel their video was an actual response to me - I didn't allow it to be marked as a video response. They took it upon themselves to say something like "All I was doing was showing you how much better these new dances are compared to the ones you showed". Fine. Still, it wasn't what I would consider an actual video response.

Over the course of a few weeks (about 3) all their friends were sending me nasty messages on YouTube which I chose to ignore. I had critiqued their video after being harassed saying "Hey next time try putting in some transitions or at least do more than one animation" - which I find to be a very NICE critique considering the content. Apparently giving anyone your opinion when there is room for improvement is a bad thing and this should never be done.

The nasty messages on YouTube continued until I decided to not allow comments, replies or ratings and put a big long rant in the description box which ended with : I understand that not allowing comments, ratings, or replies ruins the entire spirit of what YouTube, SecondLife and Machinima is all about - but I refuse to be harassed over something so juvenile. Way to go shebaspyker &co. Way to ruin it for everyone.

Today I logged into SL to talk to my RL friend Stef and recieved an offline saying (and I'm paraphrasing):
Your little rant on YouTube has really upset my girl Sheba. She doesn't dictate me or tell me who to go off on or anything like that. I don't know who has been contacting you and caused you to go off on this rant - and I don't know the laws in the UK but in the US you can be sued for slander for publishing comments about someone. I'm contacting YouTube and they'll probably delete your account.

I was going to respond to this .. um .. guy (I'm being way too nice) but decided to just put him on ignore. After sitting and thinking about it a while I decided to just delete my YouTube account myself. There are lots of reasons I did it - their harassment not really ranking very high - but if it'll save me a few minutes of telling strangers to "go back to your Gorean RP and stop being so butthurt over the fact that your friend makes shitty videos" then that's a bonus.

My live has evolved beyond SL. I joined SL as a lost 24 year old looking for an escape from the small town life I was trapped in. I found that escape and I relished it. I lived for it in a lot of ways. I was able to express myself in ways that I couldn't do beyond dying my hair purple and causing everyone in town to stare at me. Then I met Keith.

SL then evolved from fun pasttime to vital means of communication to a way of being physically close to someone when it wasn't actually physically possible. As most know, we're now married (just celebrated our 2yr wedding anniversary in March) and have the means of being actually physically close.

We started making videos in SL as a way to fund trips between Illinois and Missouri and thought it was rather 'cute' that we did so by filming other people's SL weddings. Because of all those weddings we were able to save up money to travel to see each other for 3 years before I made the big move after he had finished Basic Training and had been stationed in Oklahoma. The money we made from those videos allowed me to move to Oklahoma and afford things while we figured out exactly what we were going to do next.

Now that we don't need the money from making videos - we don't make videos. Not only do we not need the money but we also don't need the stress. Getting up at 2am to film a 3 hour wedding then turn around and spend 2 hours editing it to upload it - all for about $40 is just not worth it.

Will I still make videos in SL? Maybe, but it will be a leisure activity. Will I dedicate an entire YouTube channel to it again? No. I already have another YouTube account which I planned to post things like my nail art designs and maybe do some makeup tricks - but I won't do the whole SL thing again. Like I said - SL and SL Machinima have served theirpurpose for me and I think its more than time that the torch be passed to someone else.

I've tried for years to mentor those that were interested in making machinima. I love talking to people who are so eager to learn that I feel that my opinion is actually valued. I really love it when people ask me "How did you do that?!" but I don't feel that SL Machinima is my 'thing' anymore. I guess you could say I've just lost the passion for it.

I blog about SL on TheRev - but I never feel that my opinions on anything are valid. Why? A combination of things. I've been in SL so long that most of the people who are 'respected' or whatever don't even know WTF I talk about when I talk about anything that was 'big' or was going on in SL before like .. 07. I also feel like I'm not in SL or up to speed on things that are going on in SL like I used to be, and therefor have no real business in talking about SL. Some people eat, drink and breathe SL (and I used to be one of them!) but I've just moved on.

So in short - my SL videos that used to be on my YouTube account no longer exist. I deleted everything as a nod to myself that 'Yes, its definitely time to move on. Whatever that was, it isn't you anymore.'

As for my nail art/beauty/health/makeup blog thing - once I get that rolling I'm sure I'll post the info here somewhere.

New Projects Brewing

For years I've been a huge fan of different webcomics. I read them faithfully the way some people read PerezHilton.com ... anyway!

I've decided to start a comic of my own! I haven't gotten a site yet. The reason I haven't is because it DOES cost money so I would have to discuss such a thing with Keith first. I don't really want to go the 'free website' route because .. well I just don't want to. Having your own website gives you MUCH more freedom.

I'm also going to get a normal job next week - or at least start looking for one. My last wedding to film is set for next Wednesday so everything is all in order. I'm already looking into things to spend my money on once I start getting paychecks. My check will mostly just be 'play' money since we live quite comfortably off Keith's pay.

I've debated letting Keith take over this laptop and getting myself a macbook. One - I don't plan to continue gaming. PCs and Windows machines are FAR superior for gaming .. but I think my gaming days are almost gone. There are other things I'd like to focus on - like my art and writing. The past few years I've really let a lot of that go, but I'm going to find it again.

I can get a macbook off ebay for around ... 800USD -- or I can get one at the BX for a few hundred more and be guaranteed that everything is new. I'm almost positive that Keith isn't going to go for this, though.

My idea to start a webcomic really has me all "Eek". For one I do have a very off-the-wall sense of humor. With anything in life you always HOPE to succeed, I guess I'm just a little freaked out to be really planning on stopping everything I've been doing for the past almost three years.
There are lots of other things I wish I could openly type out - but I can't. Keith thinks its tacky for me to write out EVERYTHING so that any Tom Dick or Harry can read it. Sooo yeah.

I drew up a comic just a bit ago, scanned it, then painted around on it a bit. I think I'll just draw up a bunch of them and horde them for when I get a site, that way I'm ahead of the race a little bit and can update it daily or something. Maybe I'll even offer t shirts/mugs etc who knows.

Really I think its just time I have fun with the internet and stop seeing it as my job because well .. it won't be much longer. I've exhausted myself researching things, contacting people .. all that .. but I've never had a chance to really do what I want to do.

I will say that a lot of the comics I draw are NOT SAFE FOR WORK. So when I DO get a site please do yourself a favor and only view it at home - unless you work in a very liberal work place. Then of course view the site by all means!

Right now I'm really not sure what else to say. I'm excited about Christmas already - and I am just waiting for Keith's presents to come in. I think he's gonna be surprised and that he'll REALLY like his gifts!

YouTube Celebrities are crap

So I'm really getting over saturated with the lack of fun that I used to find on YouTube. Seems these days its either people uploading content that isn't theirs - or its middle aged balding men complaining about how other people are more popular than they are on the YouTube. SHUT UP! One guy claims to have a full time job for a Fortune 500 company .. yet all he does is bitch and moan about how he wants to do videos for a living. With WHAT talent?! Keep your day job dude.

At any rate - Keith and I have been talking for a year or so now about starting a vlog to accompany our site and blog. Its mostly a 'meet the directors' type of thing and not so much a "Look what we can do" type of thing. There was a point in time that we both kinda hid behind our avatars. Sure we were never afraid to BE ourselves - but there was a time we were worried about SHOWING ourselves. And by us I mean me. I'll just cut to the chase by saying that I feel unattractive and felt that the general public would put more emphasis on my outward apperance rather than my talents and whatever ... but at this point I don't care.

Maybe watching all those middle aged balding men whining and crying about their wishes has brought a new sense of 'me' around. They don't seem to care that they should spend their spare time with their kids instead of making videos -- and the general public on YouTube doesn't seem to make a single comment to that degree so why so I even worry about anyone thinking I'm fat?! PFFT. Bring it, bitches. Seriously.

On a fat note - I do plan to start working out this winter once Keith and I are able to actually put a schedule together. I realize that his work schedule changes at the drop of a hat - but he'll just have to fork out a few extra bucks a week on gas in order to let me get out more. The past couple weeks I have been going out on Saturday or Sunday for a couple hours while he works on videos .. but that's really lame. I should be able to go wherever I want whenever I want to do it. I honestly don't think that a couple bucks in gas money is a lot to spend considering the benefits from it.

He and I got into a little bit of an argument a few weeks back about how regardless of how bad of a tourist I am ... I want to NOT be in the house all the time. He gets to go to work and come home - whereas for me work IS home so its like I'm always at work. He saw my point, but said something to the effect of a waste of gas blah blah blah ... at any rate he's just going to have to stop keeping such a leash on me as far as who's allowed to spend money and who isn't. I always feel like I'm not allowed to buy anything or spend money - but he can do whatever he wants cuz its 'his' money.

Its almost 6:30pm and I'm heating up some water to wash dishes. Once he comes home this weekend ... he'll be working on that video probably non stop again. Oh joy oh rapture! I have a wedding scheduled for Sunday so he'll have to at least take a break for a couple hours while I film and edit that .... and we are in desperate need of groceries. We needed groceries LAST week but I couldn't tear him away from filming and editing in order to get that done. Maybe I'll just do it myself this weekend. We'll see!

Upcoming Projects

Alright so Keith has a wedding to film Saturday and I have one to film as well. I'm so so glad to be busy again! Don't get me wrong, the vacation was sooo awesome, but what did I accomplish while gone? Nothing. :( That makes everything seem like such a waste.

I have been planning to shoot a roller derby type music vid for over a month now - and I still plan to do it! Of course things are pushed back a bit due to contracted work .... but that's alright. It will get done when I get time enough to do it.

My biggest fear with these independent things I've been doing is that I'm going to bite off more than I can chew. I have this bad habbit of getting an idea in my head ... and I want it just how I imagined it, but I tend to forget that I lack the technical knowledge to make it identical to my vision. This leads to frustration, aggrivation, and in the long run I totally give up and scrap the whole thing. But I'm going to really really try to not do that.

Self Image

A while back I had posted on how my self esteem had gone down the toilet for various reasons. Well .. it isn't doing much better but now that we're back at home I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had opportunity to really focus on it for it to bother me. Yeah I saw a few celeb pics that made me whimper ... but I'm really not going to fuss with it. I mean seriously ... as far as celebs go they all but get paid to look the way they do. And me? Pft I let my personality do my talking usually. Well that and my totally inability to match. That seems to draw some attention too sometimes.

At any rate I'll just say that I'm over it and be done with it. When I'm feeling a little more aggressive and motivated I'll do something about my self image. But for now? For now I'm going to stay busy with staying busy and feel like I'm worth something instead of staying preoccupied with how I look.

Another thing ... I saw the lead singer of one of my fav bands earlier and was totally blown away. She's a big girl! And she's pretty! Kinda made me puff my tits out a bit. ANYWAY!

Song of the Day

So now to expose you to the woman who made my day. Today's Song of the Day is brought to you by Gossip :)


Standing in the Way of Control by Gossip

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again and I'm not lying.

Oh-whoa-oh, oh-ooh,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa-ooh.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know.

I'm doing this for you,
Because it's easier to lose,
And it's hard to face the truth,
When you think you're dying.

It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We'll live our lives.
Because we're standing in the way of control,
We will live our lives, lives, lives.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-oh,
Hey, yay, hey, hey.

Your back's against the wall,
There's no-one home to call,
You're forgetting who you are,
You can't stop crying.
It's part not giving in,
And part trusting your friends,
You'd do it all again but you don't stop trying.

Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa,
Oh-whoa, oh-oh-whoa.

Standing in the way of control,
You live your life,
Survive the only way that you know, know.

Grr I should have taken pictures!

So today was super happy fun time in SL. I hung out with my friend of 10+ years Xaria Concord and we did a little shopping. We critiqued some skins - and I'm seriously thinking of doing a review one day soon on 'em. We went to Naughty Designs, Celestial Studios, and Nomine. All have great skins - but each skin had a complaint department --- but I'll save all that for Appearance Mode on down the road. I don't plan to bash these designers - but I would like to think that maybe they'll read it and fix these tinyyyyyy problems on the next release. The problems really are minor. Really!

New Video Coming Up

I've been brainstorming on a few ideas lately for a SL video. I haven't done much machinima in SL because let's face it ... most of SL isn't really detailed enough to make a good flick. I'm a huge 'environment' person - but as time has passed more and more awesome builders and Photoshopping Gurus have stepped in and started making SL a WAY prettier place. This really helped fuel things. So when I return the first week of April I plan to shoot a short video themed around Roller Derby. Of course the first person I invited to be in it was Xaria - but right after her came JellyBean. Jelly tried to get a roller derby team off the ground sometime last year -- so I knew it would be something she'd be interested in.

Filming other people is always easier than filming yourself. I tend to get so critical of what I'm wearing and end up throwing TONS of footage out - just because I didn't look like I fit in the shot. No worries here! I won't be in any shots :) Just filming then editing my butt off to try a few new things. It should be a blast. I have a lot of other ideas but won't share those until I can really get things plotted out in my mind first. So yeah April 6th is when I return from leave so filming will start around the 9th. Huzzah!

And last but not least is song of the day. I was browsing around and found this song that I had forgotten about. Oh man I love this song! It was one of those songs that would cheer me up while I wrote letters to Keith while he was in Basic Training. Maybe because I'm so disgustingly in love? Prolly. Anyway!

Truthfully by Lisa Loeb

This isn't what I like to call flattery,
but I know that I believe that I've found what's true,
that I've found what's you.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Surprise, cause I was flying the plane.
Surprise, cause now I'm smiling again.
Surprise, cause you showed up with your parachute.
Surprise, I'm kind of happy you showed up.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Truthfully, I really can't explain, I'm floating, I'm smiling again.
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I've been waiting for you.
Truthfully, I'm not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I'm right for you.

Truthfully, I -
I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

I'm finding finally.
Truthfully, I'm finding out what's you.
I'm smiling again.
Truthfully