The Long Slow Road of Weight Loss

Losing weight is hard. Period. I don't think I've ever done anything physically so hard in all my life. Granted, I haven't been as ROAR about it as I should be - but its still hard.

For the past 8 weeks I have been going to the gym on average twice a week. The physiotherpaist told me to go at least 3 times a week. I'm sorry mini Tony Little, I've let you down. I've let me down, too.

At first just going to the gym was hard. It required a lot of mental preparation on my part. Maybe it will be easier to understand if I explain things a little. As most everyone knows, my husband is in the military. We are stationed in England but we do not live on the military base. We live about 30 miles away. Anyway - I go to the gym on the nearest military base. The nearest base is all fighter jets so at any given moment you totally have a Top Gun moment with F-15s screaming overhead and you can't help but hum a few lines from "Danger Zone".

The gym is full of tall, lanky, lean men between the ages of 18 and 40. Even the women are very lean. My sensibile side says to me that I am there for the same reasons they are: to be healthy - but my immature no self-esteem having side says "They're all laughing at you." Are they laughing at me? Maybe - but at some point I have got to stop letting that thought (and its only a thought because I have never seen or heard anyone ever laugh at me) bother me so much.

At my last doctor's appointment (around July 6th) I had lost 6lb. That's a total of losing roughly one pound a week. Does anyone know the internal heartbreak of working your ass off in a gym up to 2 hours a day twice a week for a measly damn pound?! Its so discouraging!!! All those weeks of all that work and I'd only lost 6lbs. I was so hurt when I saw the scale. I'm still hurt in a lot of ways. BUT even just losing a very depressing one pound a week is the largest weight loss I've had in over 10 years. So honestly, I should look at it that way. Its still progress, even if the progress is slow and unrewarding in its tempo.

What I'd wanted to do was post pictures to chart my progress in this journey - but I haven't yet got that kind of confidence. Will I ever have it? I don't know. I hope I will! Unfortunately right now I do not and to save myself the anxiety I am just not going the whole picture posting thing. Yet. I definitely plan to, just not now is all.

Losing weight is more mental than physical. Yes there is a lot of physical activity - but its more of a mental struggle than anything. Once I get to the gym and get on some rhythmic machine that forces me to do more exercise than I feel comfortable with - I'm fine. I don't have a thought in the world other than "Is it time to leave yet?" But in all honesty it took me 2 hours of me psychologically beating my own ass just to GET me there in the first place. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't done enough. I know in my heart that I could work out FAR FAR FARRR more than I currently do - but mentally and emotionally it takes so damn much out of me just to go work out. Being sweaty and sore doesn't bother me even a fraction as much as psyching myself up to go does. But once I'm back home and I've worked out so hard that I can't feel my arms or legs I tell myself "This better be worth it."

I don't have the right attitude, and I know it. At the same time - I don't know how to fix it. Of course I thought at first that my frame of mind would change but it hasn't. Regardless I know that I must continue to exercise in order to lose weight and get healthy. But at this point I have replaced one form of bad health with another.

Being healthy is multi dimentional. You must have physical health as well as mental and spiritual health. Right now I am severely lacking in the mental health department. I recognize this, but at the same time I'm coming up empty handed on how to go at this problem and really get things going in the right direction. Maybe I need to busy myself mentally with more things so that I spend less time worring about going to the gym and instead simply see the gym as part of my routine or schedule which has to be done on a regular basis. Like shaving my legs or scrubbing the toilet. I don't particularly enjoy either of those things - but they are things that I know I have to do every so often.

That's got to be the answer. The gym is like scrubbing the toilet. If you wait more than a week then its going to be really shitty.

So Long to SL Machinima/My Old YouTube Account

As most everyone knows or has noticed - I haven't done videos in SL in well over a year now. I used to get a kick out of making videos and stretching my editing muscles, but those days are over.

It started with filming peoples' weddings, then moved on to other projects - but I no longer have interest in such things. As a matter of fact, SL itself has pretty much served its purpose for me. Will I be leaving SL? Hell I only log in now to talk to friends every now and then as it is.

About 7 months ago some random person I don't even know had posted a video response to an old video of mine. Before allowing it as a response I viewed their video and wasn't too impressed. I understand that with hobbies and even real work that when you start out you're no good. I mean hell, Keith and I weren't that great when we started out either. He had video editing knowledge but unfortunately SL lacked the ability to give us the results we wanted. Anyway - I am off track.

So this person's video was of them dancing in a single animated loop for about 5 minutes to a song. Typical youtube video on most accounts, really. Since I didn't feel their video was an actual response to me - I didn't allow it to be marked as a video response. They took it upon themselves to say something like "All I was doing was showing you how much better these new dances are compared to the ones you showed". Fine. Still, it wasn't what I would consider an actual video response.

Over the course of a few weeks (about 3) all their friends were sending me nasty messages on YouTube which I chose to ignore. I had critiqued their video after being harassed saying "Hey next time try putting in some transitions or at least do more than one animation" - which I find to be a very NICE critique considering the content. Apparently giving anyone your opinion when there is room for improvement is a bad thing and this should never be done.

The nasty messages on YouTube continued until I decided to not allow comments, replies or ratings and put a big long rant in the description box which ended with : I understand that not allowing comments, ratings, or replies ruins the entire spirit of what YouTube, SecondLife and Machinima is all about - but I refuse to be harassed over something so juvenile. Way to go shebaspyker &co. Way to ruin it for everyone.

Today I logged into SL to talk to my RL friend Stef and recieved an offline saying (and I'm paraphrasing):
Your little rant on YouTube has really upset my girl Sheba. She doesn't dictate me or tell me who to go off on or anything like that. I don't know who has been contacting you and caused you to go off on this rant - and I don't know the laws in the UK but in the US you can be sued for slander for publishing comments about someone. I'm contacting YouTube and they'll probably delete your account.

I was going to respond to this .. um .. guy (I'm being way too nice) but decided to just put him on ignore. After sitting and thinking about it a while I decided to just delete my YouTube account myself. There are lots of reasons I did it - their harassment not really ranking very high - but if it'll save me a few minutes of telling strangers to "go back to your Gorean RP and stop being so butthurt over the fact that your friend makes shitty videos" then that's a bonus.

My live has evolved beyond SL. I joined SL as a lost 24 year old looking for an escape from the small town life I was trapped in. I found that escape and I relished it. I lived for it in a lot of ways. I was able to express myself in ways that I couldn't do beyond dying my hair purple and causing everyone in town to stare at me. Then I met Keith.

SL then evolved from fun pasttime to vital means of communication to a way of being physically close to someone when it wasn't actually physically possible. As most know, we're now married (just celebrated our 2yr wedding anniversary in March) and have the means of being actually physically close.

We started making videos in SL as a way to fund trips between Illinois and Missouri and thought it was rather 'cute' that we did so by filming other people's SL weddings. Because of all those weddings we were able to save up money to travel to see each other for 3 years before I made the big move after he had finished Basic Training and had been stationed in Oklahoma. The money we made from those videos allowed me to move to Oklahoma and afford things while we figured out exactly what we were going to do next.

Now that we don't need the money from making videos - we don't make videos. Not only do we not need the money but we also don't need the stress. Getting up at 2am to film a 3 hour wedding then turn around and spend 2 hours editing it to upload it - all for about $40 is just not worth it.

Will I still make videos in SL? Maybe, but it will be a leisure activity. Will I dedicate an entire YouTube channel to it again? No. I already have another YouTube account which I planned to post things like my nail art designs and maybe do some makeup tricks - but I won't do the whole SL thing again. Like I said - SL and SL Machinima have served theirpurpose for me and I think its more than time that the torch be passed to someone else.

I've tried for years to mentor those that were interested in making machinima. I love talking to people who are so eager to learn that I feel that my opinion is actually valued. I really love it when people ask me "How did you do that?!" but I don't feel that SL Machinima is my 'thing' anymore. I guess you could say I've just lost the passion for it.

I blog about SL on TheRev - but I never feel that my opinions on anything are valid. Why? A combination of things. I've been in SL so long that most of the people who are 'respected' or whatever don't even know WTF I talk about when I talk about anything that was 'big' or was going on in SL before like .. 07. I also feel like I'm not in SL or up to speed on things that are going on in SL like I used to be, and therefor have no real business in talking about SL. Some people eat, drink and breathe SL (and I used to be one of them!) but I've just moved on.

So in short - my SL videos that used to be on my YouTube account no longer exist. I deleted everything as a nod to myself that 'Yes, its definitely time to move on. Whatever that was, it isn't you anymore.'

As for my nail art/beauty/health/makeup blog thing - once I get that rolling I'm sure I'll post the info here somewhere.

You Really Think You'd Get Away with That?!

So lately it seems that whole 'ageplay' thing is really starting to be a controversy. I'd say it is a problem but some don't feel it is. Alright please explain this to me? Wait let me try first, ok?

"We are consenting adults engaging in activity which we find entertaining/artful"
My answer: Are you really adults? Do you know the other person in real life and not over a microphone. I'm talking actually shaken hands.

"This is an imaginary activity which isn't harmful as it isn't really happening"
My Answer: There's absolutely nothing wrong about fantasizing. Even fantasizing about something illegal but you are ACTING on that fantasy and therefore portraying an illegal and immoral act (even 3rd world countries frown upon child prostitution)

The Backseat

I've sat back for quite a while on this issue while it ran rampant on other blogs and sims and was in my face a few times at clubs even. Seriously - even if you've never molested a child but have child pornography on your computer/walls/a magazine in your bathroom drawer - it is still illegal and punishable by law. Even if you've never acted on that fantasy (and doing such things in SL would be considered action) it is still illegal.

Here is just a wonderful way to keep yourself out of trouble, drama, handcuffs, controversy:

• If you have to stop and ask yourself if you will hurt anyone - don't do it.
• If you feel bad after you did it - it was wrong.
• Before you do anything ask yourself "Self, is this illegal in any country?" -- if Yes STOP
• And as far as video games go (MMO, RPG, MMORPG, Simulator etc) just ask:

--- Would I do this in real life and it be deemed acceptable by the general public?--- If the answer is "No" fucking STOP! God damn it isn't hard!

I think if people actually used some common sense and a little restraint everything would be fine. Running around in a kid shape pulling people's hair is fine. Its a little creepy - but fine. Running around in a kid shape hoping to score isn't. Nor is running around as an adult hoping to score a wee one.

You know what they do to child molesters in jail, don't you? Knock it off! For fuck's sake!