Work Work Work

Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.

The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.

I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.

Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.

I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.

Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.

I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!

For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.

Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.

I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?

Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.

So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!

Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...