Updatus Majoritus

MAJOR UPDATE ALERT!!!!

I have been reallllly busy the past few weeks, and for good reason I assure you!

We found out a couple weeks ago that Keith is deploying. Where? He can't say - all I know is that he was issued dessert gear. He's been really busy getting shots every other week as well as us having to go to appointments at the legal office. I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about it because honestly I've JUST gotten myself somewhat used to the idea of everything.

Yes, of course I'll be worried. I'm really just trying to not be a big baby about everything because I don't want to stress Keith out. I think that he would have taken the news of his deployment a LOT harder if I had reacted all like 'OMG NOOOOOOO' or someting.

I already have lots of activities and whatnot planned for myself this summer - and have found a great friend in Tree. Its also nice working on a military base and having access to at least talk to other spouses of deployed peeps. Just kinda eases the stress knowing that someone is going through the exact same thing - which makes one automatic thing you have in common with someone!

This will be the first time in two years (roughly) that Keith and I have been apart - which makes me go :( but at the same time I'm looking forward to seeing how I handle alone life. I'm sure the cat will keep me company - and if she doesn't I have a few canvases on top of friends and work. The first month I think will be the hardest but once I get into my own 'groove' it should get easier.

I did a painting over the weekend. There's actually a funny story that goes with it. Guess I should show the painting first.


So this is my painting ... and I call it "Boldly Go". Its my little "Ode to Star Trek" you could say. why? I don't know! I just know that I thought of how Captain Kirk always got to shag the hot aliens while on other plants - but what if SPOCK got his hands on one?! What if there's a Spock love child roaming some galaxy far far away?! And there you have the inspirational thought which started this painting. There's a bit more to it, but I sat it on my lap and took the pic with the webcam on the laptop ...



So yes that is the jist of everything. My husband is deploying to a dessert somewhere on the globe and will be gone for at least 5 months and I've just been trying to mentally prepare myself for everything. Seriously though - I almost lost it when we had to prepare his will. That was the HARDEST thing ever. For those that don't know me - I don't do funerals. Ever.

Alrighty! Well Keith got Grand Theft Auto IV a whole day earlier than its even released - so I've been sitting here watching him play... enjoy the screenshot :D

Paint by numba

So yes, there are 3 paintings in my house which are now finished - and I plan to do more soon. One painting usually takes me all day because I just have this problem of knowing when enough is enough and when to stop painting.

There's lots I'd like to update with - bitching mostly - but I won't. I don't have a very loving family - and this isn't a suprise to ANYONE but .. and a HUGE but - but at least we are always honest and open with each other. When your brother is pissed off at you, he calls you and tells you. When your mom thinks that you're being a complete fuck wit - she lets you know. None of that beat around the bush nice-to-your-face bullshit when its another story behind closed doors. Its a long story which I will probably post bits of in the near future.

Yes yes my paintings. I didn't get all graphic and crop these so you'll just have to look at them as they are which at the time was just sitting on the easel :)

Vertigo

The doctor at the military base says that's what I have. Vertigo. Actually he said it was Endolymphatic hydrops so I 'dumbed' it down.

I went to work for like 2 hours but was about to spew when I finally asked if someone could come work the rest of my shift. Saturday night on our way home from the hospital I barfed all in the car causing me to cry and apologize profusely to Keith.

I am still trucking on with my diet, though! Come hell or high water I intend to lose 100lbs in a year. I fully intended to start a REAL work out regime today - but that has taken a back seat to my complete lack of balance as well as hand-eye coordination.

Though most probably consider it boring - I also plan to continue vlogging - but again this will all wait until I have a decent amount of time to do so. With the brand new expensive ass camera Keith bought I plan to vlog outside my home as well as in.

Two paintings have been finished so far, and I'd really like to start another. For a while I was really embarassed of my 'childish' type art style that I've ALWAYS had, but after browsing some artwork I have decided that my style is actually more Pop Art than anything. No, it isn't 4 frames of Campbell's Soup - Oh sod it you'll see soon!

I'm sure it sounds as if not much is going on, but its quite the opposite. I have lots that I'd like to type up - but can't for a bit yet I think. I will just break to the quick questions though to keep folks from worrying:

I'm not pregnant.
Keith and I are doing VERY well
The cat is still alive
Our car works fine
Our front and back garden need mowed
My feet hurt but that's normal
No one we know has died
No one we know is dying
No one we know is getting divorced

I think that covers the big bases. I'll update with all the info I can WHEN I can. Hopefully that will be in vlog form .. this weekend maybe? Not sure yet.

One Day I Will Get a Break!

So the past week or two I have been really busy - both with work and with Keith. Keith had been working on videos for an Air Force banquet, and I was busy playing executive producer.

The banquet was good, actually. Fancy three course meal and all that - but the problem was .... I didn't fit in. This still REALLY bothers me! I was looking around at all the other wives and how differently I was dressed, and couldn't help but feel like I should just hide behind Keith's coat tails. I don't have a picture at this moment - but when I do I'll post what I looked like to prove that I didn't look THAT odd but I definitely stood out.

Honestly though, I think my appearance was welcomed by the commanders, Colonels and others. My off beat appearance caused lots of people to take notice of me first instead of greeting Keith first - which I think will make him more memorable to them when it comes promotion and award time next year. But its all over with now so I feel much better!

I still feel like I'm working a LOT - and I'm starting to have some serious problems with my feet. I have a strip of bruise down the bottoms of each of my feet and its starting to worry me. At first it was pinkish and made me think "Oh great I have athlete's foot!" but as the week went on it went from pink to black to blue and now a steady purplish color - so its definitely a bruise. I don't know what would cause a bruise on the bottom center of my foot but I hope its nothing serious. I know, I worry about the stupidest shit.

Later this week I hope to do an actual vlog with a little editing and post bits of us going to work ... y'know our daily routine. I know that sounds really boring - but lots of my friends and family and Keith's also ... well they check my blog and much prefer my vlogs to reading my text. Most my family hasn't seen me in over a year now so they like being able to watch me talk.

Okay! Going to find some dinner and hopefully I remember to vlog this week!

Its Not a Wig

Its no surpise to anyone I know that I like to dye my hair at random intervals with whatever color tickles my fancy at that moment.

Now? Its black. And? Its not a wig.

Vlog #2

More ramblings, but much shorter.

Some subjects covered:

Military Stuff
Work
Keith
My Embarrassment Issues
Life in England

Vlog #1

So I sat and actually did a vlog. Be warned that it is random ramblings about stuff which I cannot remember now ..

Its also a bit over 12 minutes long if I remember correctly. All information that I would have typed .. I said instead. I think. I hope. God, what did I say?

Ow My Feet

I've been working all week and my feet hurt. Standing on concrete in one place for 8 hours is definitely something that you can't just DO without like .. practice or something.

My job is so easy its insulting in a lot of ways. My 2nd day I was on my own and I felt like I was a special needs kid when they (in the main office) looked at me with wide eyes and called each other into the office to say that my drawer balanced out perfectly. It was insulting and embarrassing and I was more than mad about it - but of course I just sat there. I almost wiped at my mouth with my sleeve to see if I was drooling. I can't figure out why everyone thinks I should be so damned stupid!

I've let all that slide and I get up with Keith ever morning at 5am, get dressed, grab my ugly hat and we start our 15min drive to the base. I drop him off and slowly try to work out my frustrations before I pull into the parking lot of the hole-in-the-wall Food Cube. I'm a cashier and I hand guys in BDUs sandwiches that they order out on the flight line. Glamorous.

The pay is more than modest so I shouldn't complain, and its such an overall easy job that I should really shut my mouth ... so now I feel guilty for complaining.

Libby (our cat) has gotten bitchy now that I'm not home all day. I'm hoping she gets used to it soon and softens up again. We had JUST gotten her to actually like us where she would jump up on our lap and let us pet her and whatnot.

At least the lady I work with is nice. She's REALLY nice. She's got that rough type edge that I feel like I can relate to her, and at the same time she's so damned nice! I also made a couple buddies in the office and plan to start working out with them. Its a group of about 4 girls that are all the same level of fatass that I am, and they have invited me to hang out and work out with them.

Keith leaves next week. He'll be gone for 3 weeks in Morocco and I've already told him that he'd best bring me back something fucking phenomenal since he will be GONE for our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I'm pissy about that too, but what can ya do? I'll get over it. Besides the time alone might be nice. I might get some paintings done, and I'll most likely drive to Cambridge and hang out with Tree - and I'll also have the new chicks to go to the gym with. So this could be nice if I just relax a little.

So yeah I'm tired and pretty damned cranky and hopefully over the next week or so I will chill out and work myself into a routine groove where I can just calm down. I'm off to cook up some dinner since Keith will be home soon.

Work Work Work

Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.

The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.

I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.

Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.

I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.

Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.

I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!

For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.

Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.

I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?

Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.

So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!

Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...

My Weekend and Other Stuff

Keith and I went to Cambridge last weekend. I took him to Mill Road which is where Tree and I hang out when she and I get together. I even took him to the awesome cafe (The Black Cat Cafe) that Tree introduced me to. They simply have the BEST cafe latte I've ever had. He wasn't too impressed. He was more impressed with the fact that I knew my way around and got us FREE parking. Huzzah!

So we walked the 10 or so blocks to downtown where we found a store to buy some sheesha (flavored hookah tobacco) and even a new bowl! We came across a Chinese market where we stopped in to buy some Koalas (its candy) and some sugar coated fish jerky that we haven't eaten yet. We will get around to it though, and I'll post how bad or good it is. It just sounded odd so we bought it.

I updated my flickr account with some of the pictures we snapped. By the time we had walked around downtown for about a half hour my back was killing me. I really think its the shoes. Anyway, we went down to the market and looked at random things, and I even got a neato multicolored velvety top that I simply HAVE to find something to wear with.

I got a job, but am waiting for HRO (Human Resource Office) to call me back to set up an appointment for me to go in and fill in all the necessary paperwork for me to start working. So yay. Is it sad that I've already made a mental list of things I plan to buy with my paycheck? I've also decided that once I start work I will also start working out since Keith and I will be getting off work around the same time. This way it just feels like less hassle. He doesn't have to drive the 15 mins to come home and get me for us to drive the 15 mins back to the base to work out for an hour .. then drive back home.

A week ago I did my first real painting in years, and have already started on another. It isn't leet awesum or anything, but I'm still proud of it because its mine. I'll have to buy new supplies soon though. I have a nice sized canvas, but I need to either FIND a wood frame to staple it to, or just buy new canvases. New paint wouldn't hurt either. So here it is, my painting!




My bright pink hair has faded to a dirty pink - so I'm trying to decide if I want to dye it some other awesome color, or if I want to go back to normal. I really like having wild colored hair. It makes me feel more energetic, and just overall happy. I am definately not cutting my hair again, and am growing it back out to its once wonderous glory. I miss having long hair. I'm still trying to talk Keith into allowing dreds, but so far no dice.

The BEST

This is the BEST tomato juice on the face of the planet. Period.

I had my job interview yesterday and it didn't go too great. I was offered 10 hours a week, which means I would bring in a whopping 40ish bucks a week which really just isn't even worth the time.

So I'm holding out for a full time position. It was really just a big let down because .. well duh.

When I Say Your Name ...

stand up and say "Here." That will be short for "Here I am, rock you like a hurricane."

So as most everyone has probably noticed I haven't been posting. My daily life has gotten hectic, and I've been looking for a job. I have an interview tomorrow so I'll probably post how that whole thing goes ...

We'll probably be buying another car to make the back and forth easier for us both even though I will be working on the same base as Keith - I may not have the exact same hours. He's also taking another round of classes so things are about to get hectic.

I've taken a haitus from filming in SL - and it never fails that when I do take a break that I get about 10 IMs a day asking me to film a wedding. I'm just tired of the RL strain that filming causes. Keith and I fight because each of us thinks that we did more work than the other, and he just lacks any kind of appreciation or respect for anything I do. I'd rather just do something out of his all seeing eye so that he can't tell me that I don't 'do anything'.

And I almost went off on a rant there, but I somehow contained it.

Off to cook dinner!

I'm just so fresh and so clean clean

I think the picture will speak for itself.

Holiday Recap

My holiday was really hectic - even though we didn't go anywhere. Keith and I had our Brit friends over for Christmas dinner and in some ways it was completely hysterical.

Right now I can't remember everything we had - but I made a lot of things which they have NEVER had before. Candied yams, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie and pecan pie. I also made a huge friggin' ham, and they brought sausages, spuds, duck and beef. I even picked up a few gifts for them. I ground up some Columbian Supremo coffee for Tree, a 6 pack of IBC Root Beer (which is like the BEST root beer on the face of the planet) for her man, and got her daughter a silly little SpongeBob tin which she squealed over.

We were going to go to London for New Years eve to see the fireworks, but Keith had to work New Years Day so that was out of the question. We wouldn't have made it home in time for him to go to work, but have decided that next year we simply MUST find a way to go.

I had some more dental work done this morning, and I'm hoping that my monthly visit to Dr Barker will be over soon. She's a splendid lady, really - but let's face it: its still a dentist. The entire right side of my head is numb which is making it very difficult to drink my tea!

Keith got me all 7 seasons of Buffy on DVD so we have been watching a few episodes every night. He's really suprised that he likes it. I've been using his tablet more than he has - but he said when he gets an itch he'll play with it.

I'm glad the holidays are over and things are calming down. It seems though this week I will spend hours every day cleaning the house to get it back in order. We had this place SPOTLESS and it seems we got really lazy over the holiday.

Not sure if I posted anything about it - but we got our pictures taken with my haircut and everything was fine. I sent a scanned copy to my friend Stef and it got her "awww" of approval. Keith started his workout routine the other day and I'm sure it won't be long before I follow suit. He said he ran a mile on the treadmill and it was 'a good warm up' and I nearly shat myself. WARMUP?! That would be two days worth of exercise for me! Bah.

My SL stuff has slowed to a crawl. I don't really have the energy for most of it. I don't want to make things - and I don't even want to film anymore. Machinima is the new DJ of SL. Remember how EVERYONE was a DJ once upon a time? Well now days everyone is a 'machinima artist' or 'filmmaker' in SL which makes me want to just spit. Its like .. drawing a stick man and calling yourself an artist. Yeah SOMEONE will consider it art - but overall its just shit. I'm just as stupid for even getting any kind of emotional 'work up' over it but whatever.

We got a magazine in the post this weekend - which had a two page spread of a video we did - which is very cool. Its in French so I can't read it but that doesn't make it any less awesome. I'll have to scan it later and post it. The name of the magazine is VoxPop so check it out if you're in France!

Hmm what else. Did I mention the house is a mess?

Oh. And when coming onto the base today my car was thoroughly searched - which almost made me late for my appointment. I don't know why I am always the one to be 'randomly' searched but it always works out that way. I guess I should be all "well at least they are making sure things are secure" but even though I think that LATER at the time I'm just frustrated.

When you pull up to the gates and they check your military ID and your other card that has all your vehicle info they say "Hello ma'am - if you'll pull up inbetween the cones and wait for further instruction your car is selected for random search." So you pull up - still holding your cards to enter the base and hand it to a guy holding an M16 and with a 9mm on his hip and he smiles and asks "Consent to search?" Right - like you REALLY need my verbal concent, buddy! I mean c'mon! I replied with "Yes sir!" of course - it isn't like there's much of an option. So then he moves to let me open my car door and says "Open all compartments. Hood, trunk, console, glove box - anything that opens." So I open everything in the car - pop the hood and the boot (boot means trunk here in England) then get out and open all four doors.

He still has one hand on his M16 while he puts one hand behind my back to usher me into this little cubby hole of plexi glass or something while another soldier walks out and rummages through my car. "I left my handbag in the car. In case, you know, you all wanted to check it too." The "usher" then tells the bloke searching my car that my handbag is in the car. While in the glass fort I'm asked random questions like "Where are you going?" and "How long will you be on base" while secretly wishing I had taken the other entrance into the base.

Of course everything checks out fine and he hands me my IDs back and close the hood, boot (trunk), 3 doors and slip into the drivers' seat. I close all the inside compartments and stick my base pass on my dash and head off to my appointment. Then once I'm in the dentist's chair and she's sticking a needle in my cheek I silently wish they would have searched more so that I didn't have to be where I was right then.

Military life - gotta love it.

For JellyBean

Just a random image I found and said "Even though I know it doesn't .. JellyBean's RL tree should look like this."

Wrapping Paper Sucks

When I lived at home with my parents, I used to have my mom wrap all my gifts because she was SO particular. She liked them to be wrapped a certain way, and they had to look pretty. I never really understood because hey - they're just going to get torn open anyway, right?! Well the other day I couldn't find scissors to wrap a few of Keith's gifts so I ended up just ripping the paper from the roll. A day or two later he wrapped his gifts to me and sat them under our little one foot tall fiber optic tree and I immediately sulked.

He put so much time and effort into wrapping my gifts and here mine looked like complete crap in comparison. No idea why that bothered me, but it did! I felt like some kind of Christmas failure. He's already dubbed me Miss Grinch - and seeing our wrapping jobs next to each other just made it all worse.

I have one gift of his left to wrap, and I've decided that I'm going to put some effort into wrapping it. We haven't got any ribbon or bows - but I am still going to at least make it look better than the shoddy job I did on the others.

We share so many interests - but holiday cheer is not one of them. I really have tried, but no dice. People decking their houses out with lights is somewhat a new 'thing' here in England, but in the States nearly everyone does it. I kind of expect that sort of thing out of Americans. America is the land of excess, the country of waste. Who cares about how much electricity we waste on all those decorations - looks good don't it?! Here we separate all our trash in order to put things in our recycle bin which is about 3x the size of our trash bin. The inspection for cars is far more in depth here than in America ... but now England is splurging and tossing aside their green way of things in favor of having twinkling lights all over their cottages, bungalows, and flats. It makes me feel bad, in a way. I really don't know how to explain it.

Keith and I haven't really made any friends here. Nearly everyone he works with is well older than we are - and if they aren't then they have at least two kids which immediately puts a bit of a damper on things. We have, however, met up with our Second Life friend Treebee - and she has definitely stepped up to the unknown challenge of taking the place of my best friend.

Okay so she isn't really my BEST friend because how could anyone ever fill the gap of my REAL best friend, Stefanie? They couldn't. Stef and I have known each other since we were 15 (Holy crap 12 years already?!) and we have been through so much together. We're sisters, really. Not the bickering type sisters, but the kind that finishes each others' sentences. Though Tree is well older than I am (her daughter is 15) she has this amazing aura about her. She and I are eerily alike in amazingly so many ways that it almost puts me off. Things that I like (that Stef doesn't) and I think - no one could ever like THAT - Tree likes it! She just puts off this energy that makes you want to just hug her. She's so raw and honest, yet carefree and cautious. Its really hard for me to describe.

Keith and I have invited Tree, her man, and her daughter over for Christmas dinner. Last Christmas Keith was still living in the dorms on the military base, and his suite mate was on leave so it was just us. It was charming, really - but it was quite sterile. Even though I didn't have a great holiday family I still missed the anxiety of getting things together for them.

Its weird, really. I hate cleaning house - but I love cleaning it when I know that Tree and her lot are coming over. I'm not cleaning the house for me, I'm doing it for them. Yes, I know they wouldn't care if my house looked like complete shite - but it feels like I'm reaching some sort of goal when I do it.

I've only just noticed that I'm jumping around a lot in what I'm writing, but I'm just going with whatever comes to mind. Sorry if it seems frantic :(

I haven't started working out yet. Keith wanted to go one day last week, but I had my monthly and really wasn't feeling up to it (who could blame me?!) I'm still not sure if or when I will feel compelled enough to actually get my arse in gear and work out. A big part is that since we've been together I feel so physically dwarfed by his good looks. He's tall and thin with a great personality. He's a people pleaser. He's just a good guy. I'm short and fat with a weird personality that couldn't be bothered with what anyone else thinks .. unless I'm with him. I think my deviant self is really an embarrassment to him or something. I think that somehow, somewhere inside him that he HAS to be embarrassed of how I look. Skinny blond bloke like him should have a skinny bird on his arm. Not some loud mouth mix of Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnel with a heavy helping of Bjork's eccentricity. Not that I don't love every one of those women (who are so outspoken about politics, feminism, and art) but it never feels like it suits him.

Time and time again I've heard lines of if you're happy with yourself then you've got it made. I am happy with myself. I really don't have a problem with my body - but I just feel like I'm not as .. well .. hot as I should be, I guess.

Never has Keith said "You're fat and I find you unattractive." Hell, I've never even caught him oogling a prettier woman which means he's either A) way more slick than I could ever imagine or B) I really put too much stock in how I think I'm looked upon. It isn't as shallow as what I'm wearing because I'm shameless when it comes to clothes. I will wear the tackiest shit because I like it! But its because as the years go by its harder and harder to find clothes. I really don't like wearing what I can only call a 'tent'. I want to wear weird leg warmers and 3 shirts at the same time. Maybe some hot pink holographic tights under a skirt with a pair of worn out yellow Chuck Taylor's. But I can't. I'm too fat.

Then it comes back around. I'm too fat but I know working out won't do a thing for me. Argue all you want, but even in high school when I was what I would NOW call thin (5'4 140lbs) I ran more than a mile every day - yet still I was round. I had a belly pooch. I had dimples on my thighs. When I sat down my stomach still rolled over the top of my jeans! At one point I even did the no carb thing - and I didn't lose a pound. I only got more tired! I've been reading and at this stage in my life I am considered obese. I used to think that it took far more to be obese, but I've hit that mark. Women who weigh more than like 200lbs are considered obese, and that really bothers me. Not the WORD obese, but the health risks that come with it.

There are surgical procedures that can be done, but being on military health care I can't have a one of them. I don't see a Lt. Col. calling me back to surgery to have my gut stapled. It just won't happen. I also don't see how I would get anything like that done here in England where you are 3x as likely to die of easily curable cancers like colon cancer than in the States. And see, I've gone and freaked myself out. BAH!

Working out won't hurt anything. My shins won't let me run anymore due to all the hard running in high school for the tennis and softball teams - but I could ride an exercise bike I'd bet. I'm sure that if I started out with just like ... 15 mins on a bike then walked a mile or so on a treadmill that the results would start to show. I've heard NOTHING but GOOD things about pilates, but I don't think I live anywhere near a gym that offers such a thing.

I'm not sure what to do, but I'll do something. Sometime. Maybe.

I am NOT ready for my close-up

I have an appointment today at a hair salon to get my hair cut, and after that Keith and I have an appointment at a photography studio to get professional pictures taken. Sounds fab, huh? IT ISN'T!

I always get a bout of anxiety and get real 'uppidy' when it comes to things like this. Okay fine, you got me - I get high strung about nearly everything and have a little freak out session often ... but getting my hair cut is always one of those things that just freak me out!

Part of the reason is up until about 3 years ago, I had the same hair dresser since I was 9. She knew my hair. She knew that no matter what haircut I WANTED she always knew what would look better. The problem with getting a new hairdresser is if you walk in and say "I want my hair cut like THIS" that they will cut it like that and if its complete shite you're stuck with it. *MY* hairdresser would never do that to me. To make this all worse we're having pictures taken afterward.

So a stranger is going to be chopping at my hair and probably not caring if the haircut clashes with my fat face. She probably won't know that even though my hair has turned a brownish reddish color with my age - that it still shows EVERY cut you make as if it were still blond. I had the hardest time as a blond. It took *MY* hairdresser a few years to get the hang of cutting my hair just right so that you couldn't see every cut she made. When I was about 13 that "Rachel" haircut (y'know .. from friends?) with the millions of layers was in. I could not sport this haircut because of my blondish reddish naturally highlighted hair because every layer looked as if you had given me different facets of a bowl cut.

Will this hairdresser butcher my hair? Will she actually listen to the things I tell her like:

• I don't have a natural part
• Even though I don't have any cow licks - one side of my hair always seems longer than the other
• If I can't style it with and walk out the door in 10 minutes - I'll hate it
• Bangs/Fringe make my face look fatter and I don't care what you say
• I have a weird mole thing on my head so if you even HINT at it I'll be mortified
• Even if you thin my hair out its still REALLY thick and will take you a half hour to blow dry
• If you have to use a curling iron on my hair to make it look good - you're trying too hard
• I prefer to not use more than two products on my hair on the rare occasion i DO style it
• Take into consideration I get a haircut once a year when it hits that awkward grow out stage
• The messier the better

I know that all seems like a lot, and some if it is contradictory ... but will she even listen?! Will she humor me and just grin and nod and then just do her own thing? Does anyone else ever freak out like this before getting their hair cut? I feel so juvenile!

My other 'freak out' thing right now is pictures. The last time I had professional portraits done was in high school. I didn't mind it so much because hey - its a portrait and I thought I was totally friggin' hot back then. Well I've gained probably 50 pounds (if not MORE) since then, but was lucky enough to marry a very VERY attractive man. Now, I feel inferior in looks (which drives Keith up the WALL and he wishes I'd just stop it!) and I wish I were thin enough to hide behind him for this whole ordeal. Vertically, I can hide behind him - but otherwise FORGET IT! I know that these aren't going to be full nude pictures (or even partially for that matter) but I do know the extra work it takes to photograph such contrasting couples for classic portrait photography. I know that I would feel more comfortable if I could somehow take our pictures myself - but we'd end up with these 'weird' photos that would just play off our contrasting appearance and it would be more minimalist slash modern portraits .. but GAH!

Regardless of my level of freak out (we are at Def con Bravo right now on my Freak Out Meter, people!) I will end up somehow pulling myself together to do all of this stuff. I'll sit in that salon chair and make small talk while a strange lady touches that weird mole on my head. I will then probably have to go into a story saying how my mother AND grandmother both have a mole in that same spot, and probably then say the same for the one near my ear which we all 3 have in common. We'll talk about the weather and about what we got our families for Christmas. I'll then thank her for her work on my what COULD be butchered hair, then I'll pick Keith up from work. After that I'll stand around in a studio drooling over the cameras, asking the photographer what school they went to (if any), and simply wait for the discomfort which comes once they start squinting behind a tripod (because few photographers actually look through the finder anymore with these new digital thingies) while I keep saying "don't blink don't blink don't blink" to myself in my head.

Ugh, am I losing my mind?!

Bah Humbug!

I'm the first to admit that I've never really been one of those 'Christmasy' types. I don't like hearing carrols on the loud speaker in EVERY store I go in. I don't really like wrapping presents, and I really like the fact that we have a 1 foot tall fiber optic tree because I don't like decorating, either!

My parents always hated that I was never excited about Christmas. They hated to buy me gifts because I wouldn't absolutely flip over them when I opened them. Now that I think about it, it was really rare that they actually got me something I wanted. For instance - when I asked for a No Doubt CD I got Maria Carey. All in all, they didn't really know me. I can assume they knew me as well as any other parent knows their teenager, but Christmas presents were always so ... hollow to me.

Keith complained the other day that I am too easy to shop for. Mind you my mother used to be LIVID trying to figure out what to get me.

So on our first married Christmas together we're kinda mixing traditions. My family really doesn't have any other than we normally just cooked a big breakfast Christmas day - whereas Keith's does the big dinner thing. We didn't open any presents early, but even up to the time I was 19 I would get up at like 5am - but it was a strict rule that I couldn't wake my parents before 6am. My mom even fixed up a coffee filter to brew a pot of coffee as soon as she got up to save time. So once mom had her morning cup and fag - we could start dishing out the presents. The stockings were always last. Always.

Dad usually dished out the presents to all of us because there was some mystical order in which the presents had to be opened. Even though we took turns being "Santa" mom would yell "NOT THAT ONE!" so we'd have to push it aside and open whatever it was she slid in front of us until we got the green light for the one she was sooo adamant about us NOT opening. If this is all sounding like a scene from A Christmas Story (Y'know "You'll shoot your eye outtt") then that's really how it went at my house.

Keith's parents sent us advent calendars - which I've never had before. Why? Well like I said - my family really isn't into holidays. Keith has also bought a thing of paper lunch bags and tea light candles that he says he'll line our driveway with .. for some reason. He just shrugged and said "tradition" so I'm not sure he knows what possible meaning could be behind it all.

Keith is also having a much harder time being away from his family than I am, but I think its because of lots of different reasons. For one - my parents aren't really involved in my life. I can honestly say that I don't think they have ever had any interest in what I do - other than just making sure I wasn't getting into trouble as a teenager. Keith's family calls him at least 3-5+ times a week, whereas I feel like I win a lottery if my family even picks up the phone.

It could just be that I feel he takes too much for granted like his parents always backing him up, or knowing that no matter what decision he makes that his family won't denounce his existence ... and maybe that's caused me to be a bit more bah humbug this year? I'm really not sure. I do know that I got him some kick ass presents so this Christmas should be better than last year (I got him a few video games and some other random things.)

I was tagged.

So Hawk's tagged me, and I had no idea WTF I was being tagged for so I had to read. I like reading, fortunately. So here we are at the 'tagging' portion.

(1) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
(2) People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules.
(3) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
(4) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.



(1) I prefer hot drinks to cold ones. I will pick warm red wine over a cold beer any day of the week. I will drink a cup of tea or coffee before I will even think of cracking open a can of pop. I also tend to use a lot of sugar in my hot drinks (3 sugars and milk, please) which tend to make a lot of people shudder (especially here in England) but hey .. I like it!

(2) I took voice lessons for 9 years and am a 'classically' trained singer. I auditioned for a small part in the off-Broadway production of Phantom of the Opera in 1999. I sang on stage (ever so briefly) with Sara Brightman who was touring with the troupe and training the new Christine. Though it was only one song .. I thought I could have died happy at that moment. Unfortunately I was offered a job I didn't want (set construction) and turned it down. I addition to my voice lessons I was awarded a vocal scholarship to University of Missouri (Mizzou) but the scholarship didn't pay enough so it went to waste. I was awarded a walk on softball scholarship as well as a vocal and bright flight (I scored a 32 on my ACT) scholarships to a small community college. Also? I sing off key and stuff on purpose because I think my 'operatic' singing voice is odd and that anyone who is around to me to actually hear me sing would turn up their nose.

(3) If I my husband didn't demand otherwise - I would dress like Punky Brewster. I mean, even now my clothes are a hodge podge of things I pick up at Charity shops and I tend to heavily layer things. If he didn't have so much say in how I look publicly - I would most likely resemble a bag lady .. only without the stench.

(4) Apple juice makes me poop. A lot. I know its gross, but your average normal person should be able to drink a glass of apple juice without running to the bathroom an hour later! I am not average and can NOT drink much apple juice. Anything more than ohh .. a glass that you'd drink a cocktail out of is TOO much. I used to think it was an allergy, but I can eat apples! I don't know anymore .. I just avoid apple juice for the most part.

(5) I keep tarot cards in a blue Hello Kitty tin inside a purple velvet pouch. I used to search tirelessly for 'antique' tarot cards, but I could never tell how old any one card was :( So I gave up, and just keep the deck I was given when I was 15. Also? I've always wanted a crystal ball and have always wanted to make a living by being a 'fortune teller' or spellcaster. So far, no dice. But there have been a couple times I've thought about charging for tarot readings and stuff. Maybe. One day.

(6)I'm a sleep humper. It was embarrassing when I was younger. I'd be sleeping over at a friends' house, toss, turn, then do a little humpage on whatever. A pillow, leg, pet golden retriever .. whatever was RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I thought it was weird and perverse, but evidently its fairly common for people to do that sort of thing. Its just a different 'soothing' action when you're almost woken up. I've been doing it apparently since I was 2 (according to my mother).

(7)I can pooch out my stomach SO FAR that it looks like I'm like 135 months pregnant. I will also have to admit here that I have done this to cut in line at public bathrooms. Though I kinda feel bad for using my 'stupid human trick' to just cut in line .. I will say that if there were any elderly or if there were actually a pregnant woman in line then I would gladly give them my spot. I also threaten to have "Pregnant Days" when Keith is a butthole to me. He thinks its gross and creepy so I use it to my advantage. Piss me off? Oooh no! We're in public and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant with a 15 pound kid!

(8)I have victory dances for almost every kind of 'victory' imaginable. Such as:
Right Answer
They said Yes
I just shot someone (video game)
I got a headshot (video game)
OMFG I am so excited
Haha I'm doing this dance to embarass you
I can't believe you just admitted I was right
Haha I told you I was right
I just got a treat (candy/chocolate)
I just got a present (birthday)
I just got a present (holiday)
I just got a suprise (all occasions)
I love this show (TV/Series)
I love this song

The list goes on and on :/

so now I must tag folks. Eight of them ...

Jen
Saraa
Keith
WillowZ
Chris
Dave
Valerie
Stef

My Webcomic

So I started my webcomic yesterday. I've decided that it'll be a daily thing of whatever random funny stuff that comes to mind :D

http://ManicStatic.wordpress.com

I opted for a wordpress blog thing because I couldn't see paying for a domain if I'm unsuccessful. And by successful I mean people actually like the stuff I draw and buy shirts and whatever from my cafe press store. (there's a banner on the site!)