More ramblings, but much shorter.
Some subjects covered:
Military Stuff
Work
Keith
My Embarrassment Issues
Life in England
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Vlog #1
So I sat and actually did a vlog. Be warned that it is random ramblings about stuff which I cannot remember now ..
Its also a bit over 12 minutes long if I remember correctly. All information that I would have typed .. I said instead. I think. I hope. God, what did I say?
Its also a bit over 12 minutes long if I remember correctly. All information that I would have typed .. I said instead. I think. I hope. God, what did I say?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Ow My Feet
I've been working all week and my feet hurt. Standing on concrete in one place for 8 hours is definitely something that you can't just DO without like .. practice or something.
My job is so easy its insulting in a lot of ways. My 2nd day I was on my own and I felt like I was a special needs kid when they (in the main office) looked at me with wide eyes and called each other into the office to say that my drawer balanced out perfectly. It was insulting and embarrassing and I was more than mad about it - but of course I just sat there. I almost wiped at my mouth with my sleeve to see if I was drooling. I can't figure out why everyone thinks I should be so damned stupid!
I've let all that slide and I get up with Keith ever morning at 5am, get dressed, grab my ugly hat and we start our 15min drive to the base. I drop him off and slowly try to work out my frustrations before I pull into the parking lot of the hole-in-the-wall Food Cube. I'm a cashier and I hand guys in BDUs sandwiches that they order out on the flight line. Glamorous.
The pay is more than modest so I shouldn't complain, and its such an overall easy job that I should really shut my mouth ... so now I feel guilty for complaining.
Libby (our cat) has gotten bitchy now that I'm not home all day. I'm hoping she gets used to it soon and softens up again. We had JUST gotten her to actually like us where she would jump up on our lap and let us pet her and whatnot.
At least the lady I work with is nice. She's REALLY nice. She's got that rough type edge that I feel like I can relate to her, and at the same time she's so damned nice! I also made a couple buddies in the office and plan to start working out with them. Its a group of about 4 girls that are all the same level of fatass that I am, and they have invited me to hang out and work out with them.
Keith leaves next week. He'll be gone for 3 weeks in Morocco and I've already told him that he'd best bring me back something fucking phenomenal since he will be GONE for our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I'm pissy about that too, but what can ya do? I'll get over it. Besides the time alone might be nice. I might get some paintings done, and I'll most likely drive to Cambridge and hang out with Tree - and I'll also have the new chicks to go to the gym with. So this could be nice if I just relax a little.
So yeah I'm tired and pretty damned cranky and hopefully over the next week or so I will chill out and work myself into a routine groove where I can just calm down. I'm off to cook up some dinner since Keith will be home soon.
My job is so easy its insulting in a lot of ways. My 2nd day I was on my own and I felt like I was a special needs kid when they (in the main office) looked at me with wide eyes and called each other into the office to say that my drawer balanced out perfectly. It was insulting and embarrassing and I was more than mad about it - but of course I just sat there. I almost wiped at my mouth with my sleeve to see if I was drooling. I can't figure out why everyone thinks I should be so damned stupid!
I've let all that slide and I get up with Keith ever morning at 5am, get dressed, grab my ugly hat and we start our 15min drive to the base. I drop him off and slowly try to work out my frustrations before I pull into the parking lot of the hole-in-the-wall Food Cube. I'm a cashier and I hand guys in BDUs sandwiches that they order out on the flight line. Glamorous.
The pay is more than modest so I shouldn't complain, and its such an overall easy job that I should really shut my mouth ... so now I feel guilty for complaining.
Libby (our cat) has gotten bitchy now that I'm not home all day. I'm hoping she gets used to it soon and softens up again. We had JUST gotten her to actually like us where she would jump up on our lap and let us pet her and whatnot.
At least the lady I work with is nice. She's REALLY nice. She's got that rough type edge that I feel like I can relate to her, and at the same time she's so damned nice! I also made a couple buddies in the office and plan to start working out with them. Its a group of about 4 girls that are all the same level of fatass that I am, and they have invited me to hang out and work out with them.
Keith leaves next week. He'll be gone for 3 weeks in Morocco and I've already told him that he'd best bring me back something fucking phenomenal since he will be GONE for our FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! I'm pissy about that too, but what can ya do? I'll get over it. Besides the time alone might be nice. I might get some paintings done, and I'll most likely drive to Cambridge and hang out with Tree - and I'll also have the new chicks to go to the gym with. So this could be nice if I just relax a little.
So yeah I'm tired and pretty damned cranky and hopefully over the next week or so I will chill out and work myself into a routine groove where I can just calm down. I'm off to cook up some dinner since Keith will be home soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Work Work Work
Finally I've finished all the necessary paperwork and I start work Tuesday. I even had to be SWORN IN. Whatever, at least its all done now.
The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.
I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.
Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.
I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.
Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.
I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!
For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.
Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.
I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?
Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.
So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!
Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...
The past few weeks have been nothing but running around and doing lots of paperwork, so I'm really just glad all that is over. Now I just have to psych myself up. I always feel so ... weird ... when I'm the new person at a job. I have this problem where I'm so eager to please that I feel like I'm overcompensating for my nervousness and just the overall fear that I always think that I know I won't fit in. I somehow think I'm not the only one.
I've lost a lot of confidence in myself in the past year I've noticed. Some of it is because I didn't fit in where I came from - and I just automatically tell myself that I won't fit. The truth is - sometimes I probably could fit in if I'd only give other people a chance. I see it as, well I'm so damned off the wall that no one could possibly get me, but maybe they would if I'd warm up to them.
Tree has been the only friend I've really made here so far, and in May it will make one year. Don't get me wrong, she is positively lovely and I love this strange 'say nothing' connection she and I have ... but I sort of feel a bit of a hermit for not having more friends.
I hear people talk about how they go out every so often with their friends and leave their husband/wife at home, and I just find it hard to even envision myself doing that. Just saying "Hey Keith, me and Insert Name from work are going to go hang out. I'll be back in a couple hours." He and I have done everything together since I can remember. So are he and I the unconventional ones ... or is it just weird to take a night out for yourself? No idea. I don't even understand it. I can understand getting away from kids or something like that, though.
Tuesday I start work, and it feels weird knowing exactly when my anxiety is going to start. I've never been great with strangers or new people and I tend to be a bit TOO outgoing at times in such situations. I've decided that this time I'll be the quiet one and get to know other people I work with. I'll be the one that listens instead of talks. It will be a harsh switch - but I think that such a change is kinda crucial to making new friends.
I think what started all this was when I was filling out my paperwork and the lady said "You have to have at least one contact here in England that knows you that we can contact." I didn't know who to tell her! They also had to have an APO address which further narrowed it down that it had to be a military person. Yeah I've met a couple of the guys Keith works with, but none well enough to say 'Yes you can contact this person and they know me.' I even had to call Keith at work and ask him to get someone's address. I felt bad because I've only met the guy maybe a half dozen times, and haven't ever really had a real conversation with him .. but hey we play Lord of the Rings Online and are in the same guild so that counts for something, doesn't it?!
For the first time in a year I will be on a schedule which wasn't set by me, and that's a bit daunting as well. I already feel a bit hindered and as if someone is trying to 'control' me, even though the logical part of me says "This is how a job works, dumbass!" because .. well .. I know how it goes. Even though I know 'how it is' .. that doesn't seem to make it any better. At least right now. I'm sure once I settle in and get in the swing then I'll have forgotten that I felt this way to begin with.
Keith may be going to Morocco for three weeks to be an extra in a movie - which means I'll be here all alone. That would make the first time I've been alone since I moved away from my hometown to be with him, and that's a bit daunting as well. But I'm sure I'm making a big deal about it mentally - but when time comes those three weeks will just fly by. And hey, he gets paid pretty well for it. This is, of course, IF he gets chosen. So far, no word.
I'm also going to start working out after work since I will have nearly 3 hours between the time I get off work and when Keith gets off. I have to admit that I feel a twinge of anxiety over that as well. I'm fat, I know that. But I just have this fear that there is some kind of gym etiquette that I know nothing about and that I'll somehow be a laughing stock for some muscle bound man or woman. I'm also a bit nervous about getting sweaty and winded in a gym of people in better shape than myself. "Look over there at Fatty McFatAss on the treadmill! Listen to her WHEEZE!" I know, I know! I make too big a deal out of everything but that never seems to stop me from thinking this stuff. Again, I'm sure after the first harrowing few days that I won't even notice there are other people in the gym and I'll go about my business in my quest to wear a bathing suit (even a ONE piece) without feeling like a Shar Pei in a condom. And for those that don't know - a Shar Pei are those really wrinkly dogs. Lovely mental image now, huh?
Anyway, against my better judgement I have decided that I would document this venture into physical fitness by posting vlogs here as well as my normal textual ramblings. I will say though, that I know that I'm fat and unattractive so any negative comments really aren't necessary. I will save everyone the nightmare of me being scantily clad and saying "Look how fat I am!" and instead just wear normal clothes. I think that will be more than enough to show a progression. I'm sure as I loose weight that I will replace my tent like clothes with more form fitting things and so on.
So yeah, I will probably start that on .... Monday? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow - a vlog that is. I'll talk for a bit instead of typing so much. Then after my first workout on Tuesday I'll talk about what exercises I did. I'm sure I'll whine a lot about how its such hard work - but who doesn't?! Anyway - this is still all just an idea in my head and may not even come to light. The vlog thing I mean, not the exercise. I MUST MUST MUST make myself exercise. I've decided that I am going to try to save up for Keith and I to take a cruise next year because .. well .. I think a cruise would be awesome and I've never been on one!
Alrighty, so I'm going to make myself some lunch and probably just start a bliptv account OR just upload my vlogs directly to here .. not sure what I'm going to do yet. I refuse to do it on YouTube because a lot of people that I don't even know are subscribed to me and I'd hate for them to be watching such a personal 'thing' when it isn't REALLY meant for such a wide audience. I'm rambling again ...
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
My Weekend and Other Stuff
Keith and I went to Cambridge last weekend. I took him to Mill Road which is where Tree and I hang out when she and I get together. I even took him to the awesome cafe (The Black Cat Cafe) that Tree introduced me to. They simply have the BEST cafe latte I've ever had. He wasn't too impressed. He was more impressed with the fact that I knew my way around and got us FREE parking. Huzzah!
So we walked the 10 or so blocks to downtown where we found a store to buy some sheesha (flavored hookah tobacco) and even a new bowl! We came across a Chinese market where we stopped in to buy some Koalas (its candy) and some sugar coated fish jerky that we haven't eaten yet. We will get around to it though, and I'll post how bad or good it is. It just sounded odd so we bought it.
I updated my flickr account with some of the pictures we snapped. By the time we had walked around downtown for about a half hour my back was killing me. I really think its the shoes. Anyway, we went down to the market and looked at random things, and I even got a neato multicolored velvety top that I simply HAVE to find something to wear with.
I got a job, but am waiting for HRO (Human Resource Office) to call me back to set up an appointment for me to go in and fill in all the necessary paperwork for me to start working. So yay. Is it sad that I've already made a mental list of things I plan to buy with my paycheck? I've also decided that once I start work I will also start working out since Keith and I will be getting off work around the same time. This way it just feels like less hassle. He doesn't have to drive the 15 mins to come home and get me for us to drive the 15 mins back to the base to work out for an hour .. then drive back home.
A week ago I did my first real painting in years, and have already started on another. It isn't leet awesum or anything, but I'm still proud of it because its mine. I'll have to buy new supplies soon though. I have a nice sized canvas, but I need to either FIND a wood frame to staple it to, or just buy new canvases. New paint wouldn't hurt either. So here it is, my painting!
My bright pink hair has faded to a dirty pink - so I'm trying to decide if I want to dye it some other awesome color, or if I want to go back to normal. I really like having wild colored hair. It makes me feel more energetic, and just overall happy. I am definately not cutting my hair again, and am growing it back out to its once wonderous glory. I miss having long hair. I'm still trying to talk Keith into allowing dreds, but so far no dice.
So we walked the 10 or so blocks to downtown where we found a store to buy some sheesha (flavored hookah tobacco) and even a new bowl! We came across a Chinese market where we stopped in to buy some Koalas (its candy) and some sugar coated fish jerky that we haven't eaten yet. We will get around to it though, and I'll post how bad or good it is. It just sounded odd so we bought it.
I updated my flickr account with some of the pictures we snapped. By the time we had walked around downtown for about a half hour my back was killing me. I really think its the shoes. Anyway, we went down to the market and looked at random things, and I even got a neato multicolored velvety top that I simply HAVE to find something to wear with.
I got a job, but am waiting for HRO (Human Resource Office) to call me back to set up an appointment for me to go in and fill in all the necessary paperwork for me to start working. So yay. Is it sad that I've already made a mental list of things I plan to buy with my paycheck? I've also decided that once I start work I will also start working out since Keith and I will be getting off work around the same time. This way it just feels like less hassle. He doesn't have to drive the 15 mins to come home and get me for us to drive the 15 mins back to the base to work out for an hour .. then drive back home.
A week ago I did my first real painting in years, and have already started on another. It isn't leet awesum or anything, but I'm still proud of it because its mine. I'll have to buy new supplies soon though. I have a nice sized canvas, but I need to either FIND a wood frame to staple it to, or just buy new canvases. New paint wouldn't hurt either. So here it is, my painting!
My bright pink hair has faded to a dirty pink - so I'm trying to decide if I want to dye it some other awesome color, or if I want to go back to normal. I really like having wild colored hair. It makes me feel more energetic, and just overall happy. I am definately not cutting my hair again, and am growing it back out to its once wonderous glory. I miss having long hair. I'm still trying to talk Keith into allowing dreds, but so far no dice.
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