Weeee!

(and some old photos I took)

I'll just get right to the point, k? This week has really done a number on me. I am so worn out - and my nerves are barely existant. I work so much - and my job is so needlessly stressful. Not to mention all the other projects I have going on once I get home. I work on something from the time I get up until the time I finally fall asleep ... and even when I sleep I'm dreaming about working.

There are three major projects Keith and I are working on - and the possibility of a fourth. Two of the three are on-going long term projects that we'll probably always add to until infinity .. the other though still very major is just a one time deal.

I guess with just having a rough week I just haven't felt up to par. My temper is short. My motivation non existant .. I'm just "testy" I guess. As far as these projects go, it just feels that I'm not getting my 'vision' across to articulate exactly what it is I want - though I lack the fire to really sit and try to clarify it. Best way to put it: I'm burnt.

Once all the holiday crap is out of the way and things start settling down at work I'm sure I'll be back to normal. One day this week I actually thought about quitting just because I didn't want to do it (work) anymore. How stupid is that? I actually had the mindset that its alright to up and quit doing anything you don't want to do - regardless of anything else. That's not ok! WTF is wrong with me?! Needless to say I didn't quit and they are still working me to death .. but at least its a paycheck. The end always meets the means ... even if it sucks while doing so.

Today I chilled out a lot - and I have my poetic nature to thank for that I guess. I work in a fast food joint ... and I go in to work at o'dark stupid. Its always cold and pitch black outside when I leave for work. I do the prep stuff and then I stand in the drive thru window until the next person reports for their shift and then I get rotated around the resturant. So at around 6am I'm standing in the drive thru window. It wasn't that cold out and not to mention we have those overhead heaters for indoor AND outdoor heat so I flipped those on and flung the window open.

I stood there quietly and listened to the faint hum of the cars wizzing by on the interstate. Where are they going? Where have they been, and why are they in such a hurry? How many times have I counted vehicles going down the highway on the way to work that have a headlight out? How many times have I been counted by someone doing the exact same thing? As I stood there with the window open, thinking all this - I noticed the sky.

Sunrises and sunsets are always captivating in their own way - and no two are alike. I've played with photography a bit in the past - and skyscapes were always my strongpoint. My Photojournalism teacher once said to me "Its astounding that you seem to catch something that always makes me think 'Wow I wish I could have seen that'. Yes its just the sky, but in all your photographs it seems you look up at the only moment that could have possibly happened, and you capture it. Even though its a simple photo, there is still oddly emotion in every piece of yours I see. That is true talent." So now, I will attempt to describe everything I saw and thought in the half hour or so that I lost myself.



The glare from the Citgo Station sign was a bit overbearing in the foreground at first, but the longer I saw it there ... the more it felt it really belonged there. In the dark hours of the morning, the glow from the red and yellow sign almost felt warm. Artificial sunlight in its most sleazy form. It definately belonged where it was. I could see the tops of the street lamps from downtown, and even a slight haze of green, yellow, and red from the traffic lights. Traffic lights are the heartbeat of any town. Like the heart - traffic lights continue their mission even when nothing is there. Its subconcious.

Its always amazed me that water makes clouds. Water in its liquid form is predictable. You know what will happen if you do something. Clouds are different. Though they are water, they don't hold the same properties. They're anything but predictable. There's rarely any kind of pattern in them - and I think that's what fascinates me. Today the clouds were frail and mournful. They weren't the robust expressions of light or the menacing swirls of backlashed karma that they're often depicted as. Ever notice that? Photographs of clouds are in one of two categories: Fluffy or Storming. These were neither.

The clouds seemed to express my emotions. They were there, though trying to wither behind something so as not to be noticed. How could anyone not notice? They clearly had a foundation, yet seemed to droop as if slowly slipping from their platform. As they loosened their grip they became more translucent. In these areas the sun colored them hues of pink and lavender. Their origins were shaded. You see, though these thin parts were the most brilliantly colored - and though they were so thin - they were still enough to shield the sun from their 'roots'. What is it they are letting go of .. or are they being let go?

These fragile curtains slowly dripped lower as the moments passed, and I watched with delight as their colors changed. From pinks and purples to shades of orange and reds. The cars on the interstate seemed to drown me in their white noise - it was as if it was a soundtrack. A horn would honk, but it wouldn't be startling. It was like every shound was a que - and the clouds were listening. As the sun grew brighter the colors faded. The once bright visages that seemed to burn in the sky - now lost their fuel and became ash.

Have I blinked yet? Did the gas station just turn off their lights? Suddenly everything seemed so dull. The sun which gives life to so many things - suddenly drained every ounce of mystery from everything before my eyes. There were broken bottles on the parking lot. The shards of glass which once shimmered from the soft glow of the artificial light was suddenly ugly. The clouds which seemed to do a slow dance in the sky - now were ash colored and had forgotten their coreography. The hum of the vehicles on the interstate were now interrupted by loud semi trucks and their pipes billowed with black smoke. The twinkle of those few moments were gone.

It all sounds so depressing now. It wasn't at the time though. It was like a revealation, of sorts. I was like "Wow I feel so dumb for seeing things like that when this is how things really are." But ya know .. life is just like that. You see things how you seem them at the moment, only to later learn that it isn't how it is.

I guess I just thought everything was going to be easier as far as getting where I'm going - but now the reality of how hard it truely is has started to set in. I've really been working my ass off for the past 4 months. The initial excitement has sort of worn off and now its strictly business. Its no longer a passing thought - this has become a driving force for everything I do. I have to get up after only 3 hours of sleep and work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week because of Keith. If it were up to me I would have given up on this crap a LONG time ago ... but this isn't for me. This is for us, and I think that's why I continue.

Keith .. if you read this .. I love you.