Weeee!

(and some old photos I took)

I'll just get right to the point, k? This week has really done a number on me. I am so worn out - and my nerves are barely existant. I work so much - and my job is so needlessly stressful. Not to mention all the other projects I have going on once I get home. I work on something from the time I get up until the time I finally fall asleep ... and even when I sleep I'm dreaming about working.

There are three major projects Keith and I are working on - and the possibility of a fourth. Two of the three are on-going long term projects that we'll probably always add to until infinity .. the other though still very major is just a one time deal.

I guess with just having a rough week I just haven't felt up to par. My temper is short. My motivation non existant .. I'm just "testy" I guess. As far as these projects go, it just feels that I'm not getting my 'vision' across to articulate exactly what it is I want - though I lack the fire to really sit and try to clarify it. Best way to put it: I'm burnt.

Once all the holiday crap is out of the way and things start settling down at work I'm sure I'll be back to normal. One day this week I actually thought about quitting just because I didn't want to do it (work) anymore. How stupid is that? I actually had the mindset that its alright to up and quit doing anything you don't want to do - regardless of anything else. That's not ok! WTF is wrong with me?! Needless to say I didn't quit and they are still working me to death .. but at least its a paycheck. The end always meets the means ... even if it sucks while doing so.

Today I chilled out a lot - and I have my poetic nature to thank for that I guess. I work in a fast food joint ... and I go in to work at o'dark stupid. Its always cold and pitch black outside when I leave for work. I do the prep stuff and then I stand in the drive thru window until the next person reports for their shift and then I get rotated around the resturant. So at around 6am I'm standing in the drive thru window. It wasn't that cold out and not to mention we have those overhead heaters for indoor AND outdoor heat so I flipped those on and flung the window open.

I stood there quietly and listened to the faint hum of the cars wizzing by on the interstate. Where are they going? Where have they been, and why are they in such a hurry? How many times have I counted vehicles going down the highway on the way to work that have a headlight out? How many times have I been counted by someone doing the exact same thing? As I stood there with the window open, thinking all this - I noticed the sky.

Sunrises and sunsets are always captivating in their own way - and no two are alike. I've played with photography a bit in the past - and skyscapes were always my strongpoint. My Photojournalism teacher once said to me "Its astounding that you seem to catch something that always makes me think 'Wow I wish I could have seen that'. Yes its just the sky, but in all your photographs it seems you look up at the only moment that could have possibly happened, and you capture it. Even though its a simple photo, there is still oddly emotion in every piece of yours I see. That is true talent." So now, I will attempt to describe everything I saw and thought in the half hour or so that I lost myself.



The glare from the Citgo Station sign was a bit overbearing in the foreground at first, but the longer I saw it there ... the more it felt it really belonged there. In the dark hours of the morning, the glow from the red and yellow sign almost felt warm. Artificial sunlight in its most sleazy form. It definately belonged where it was. I could see the tops of the street lamps from downtown, and even a slight haze of green, yellow, and red from the traffic lights. Traffic lights are the heartbeat of any town. Like the heart - traffic lights continue their mission even when nothing is there. Its subconcious.

Its always amazed me that water makes clouds. Water in its liquid form is predictable. You know what will happen if you do something. Clouds are different. Though they are water, they don't hold the same properties. They're anything but predictable. There's rarely any kind of pattern in them - and I think that's what fascinates me. Today the clouds were frail and mournful. They weren't the robust expressions of light or the menacing swirls of backlashed karma that they're often depicted as. Ever notice that? Photographs of clouds are in one of two categories: Fluffy or Storming. These were neither.

The clouds seemed to express my emotions. They were there, though trying to wither behind something so as not to be noticed. How could anyone not notice? They clearly had a foundation, yet seemed to droop as if slowly slipping from their platform. As they loosened their grip they became more translucent. In these areas the sun colored them hues of pink and lavender. Their origins were shaded. You see, though these thin parts were the most brilliantly colored - and though they were so thin - they were still enough to shield the sun from their 'roots'. What is it they are letting go of .. or are they being let go?

These fragile curtains slowly dripped lower as the moments passed, and I watched with delight as their colors changed. From pinks and purples to shades of orange and reds. The cars on the interstate seemed to drown me in their white noise - it was as if it was a soundtrack. A horn would honk, but it wouldn't be startling. It was like every shound was a que - and the clouds were listening. As the sun grew brighter the colors faded. The once bright visages that seemed to burn in the sky - now lost their fuel and became ash.

Have I blinked yet? Did the gas station just turn off their lights? Suddenly everything seemed so dull. The sun which gives life to so many things - suddenly drained every ounce of mystery from everything before my eyes. There were broken bottles on the parking lot. The shards of glass which once shimmered from the soft glow of the artificial light was suddenly ugly. The clouds which seemed to do a slow dance in the sky - now were ash colored and had forgotten their coreography. The hum of the vehicles on the interstate were now interrupted by loud semi trucks and their pipes billowed with black smoke. The twinkle of those few moments were gone.

It all sounds so depressing now. It wasn't at the time though. It was like a revealation, of sorts. I was like "Wow I feel so dumb for seeing things like that when this is how things really are." But ya know .. life is just like that. You see things how you seem them at the moment, only to later learn that it isn't how it is.

I guess I just thought everything was going to be easier as far as getting where I'm going - but now the reality of how hard it truely is has started to set in. I've really been working my ass off for the past 4 months. The initial excitement has sort of worn off and now its strictly business. Its no longer a passing thought - this has become a driving force for everything I do. I have to get up after only 3 hours of sleep and work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week because of Keith. If it were up to me I would have given up on this crap a LONG time ago ... but this isn't for me. This is for us, and I think that's why I continue.

Keith .. if you read this .. I love you.

Hmm.

Well its taking a bit longer on the 2nd episode only because Bebop and I are having a 3rd person to narrative audio. So we have to correograph our schedules in order to all sit down and record everything.

I do have to get props to Jade Opel because she's been such a huge help as an extra in this 2nd episode. Any time we need an extra body she's right there. She's so awesome. Don't know if she reads this or not - but - thank you, Jade. You've been a tremendous help and you're just irreplaceable. You're awesome!

I've recently been contracted to write a narrative type script to go along with a flick Bebop is filming for the CF University in SL which is part of the BEF. I've got quite a bit done, and I think everything with that is going to be awesome. I've always done a lot of volunteer work and work for foundations (including ringing bells around Yule for the Salvation Army) so this is right up my alley. Not to mention working in long term care facilities - which has given me a little awareness on cystic fribrosis ... moving on!

Work has been really really hectic lately, but I'm trying to keep a level head. I'm hoping to have everything taken care of by January so that I can be with Bebop full time. At first I thought this would increase our creativity .. but as time draws nearer I see that its going to delay it. Not in a bad way though. Bow chicka bow wow. Teehee ^.^

While everyone else is celebrating Thanksgiving .. Bebop and I are on Skype. He's playing HalfLife2 while I blog this nearly pointless post. Its just funny. Everything's silent for a bit then he'll yell "AHHH STRIDER IN THE STREET!" I'm too easily amused, I think.

I think I've developed an addiction. Lately I feel like I"m not 100% without drinking 4 or more cups of coffee. I feel like I can't write unless I'm drinking coffee while I do it. I'm not talking your normal weak American coffee .. I'm talking coffee that my grandfather makes (Who's from Ireland and always bashes how puny coffee is in America). This stuff .. compared to what I know as coffee is more like coffee syrup lol But hey ... it gets the job done. Coffee was my substitute for pop as I try to lose some weight but now it seems I've grown dependant on the black veil that is my lifeline to creativity these days.

So we're still filming on the 2nd Episode of Noob Be Gone .. Keith has yet to update the site's sponsors page (I'll probably do it myself once I post this) .. and I've been dabbling in photoshop lately. I always see all these people with such pretty profile pictures in SL so I thought I'd try my hand at it. Another thing I like about these suped-up profile pics is: Everyone has their own noticable style! I don't think I've found my niche yet where that's concerned ... but I like it anyway :) And .. its kinda fun to see how much the picture changes while I work on it.


Yeah it pales in comparison to a lot I've seen .. but its mine.

So yep just chillin and listening to my pandora station while I wrap this up and get ready to fix the sponsors page.

Hurray!

Alrighty!

The Noob Be Gone: Camera Tutorials has been finished for about .. a week. So far we've gotten such great feedback! I've yet to hear a negative comment about anything - though for a while I was afraid that my sense of humor would have folks thinking that I'm a ditzy air-head (which couldn't be further from the truth.)

We had started work on the second episode Noob Be Gone: Building before we'd even realeased the first, and things are going smoothly. I'm still combining things to update our site

We've been trying for over a year to find someone to donate some land that kept good frame rates with no success. Of course lots of offered to let us rent land. I guess they think we get paid for these things? People we're just as broke as the rest of you are. Neither of us run some emporium that sells all kinds of things to make a profit. Hell I spent a good year DJing just to save up and give to Keith for our first meeting. Back to the point ...

NSS has a lot of sponsors. Lost, Cubey Terra, Makaio Stygan, Neil Protagonist and LOTS more ... everything we have has been given to us out of generocity. Including the island, yes island we film on. Keith contacted Anshe Chung, who then had one of her represenatives talk to us. They donated an entire island - for free. Ya know - people can talk trash about SL residents. They can throw hissy fits over brilliant creations. They can even whine about all that RP mafia junk .. but the bottom line is: there are some downright caring, forward-thinking, creative, original, and overall cool people in SL.

In one post I talked about how Keith is so creative. He is. I talked about how I wished I had talent, I do. There are times I forget that a lot of his ideas are my ideas too. I forget that I mention things, we throw it around, and then make some form 'reality' out of a passing thought I had. I had sent a notecard to a designer, inviting her to be a sponsor. As I was trying to think of how to introduce myself Keith said "Well pft you're like the co-everything ya know". Until that point I hadn't thought I was. I thought I was just the little dorky cheerleader on the bottom of the pyramid. Now I see it as: I'm the overweight cheerleading coach that can't do the moves - but knows how they should be done. Wow that was a funny reference.

So yeah. Audio will be started this week-end for the second episode, and we've already got tons of ideas for other videos (which I won't mention!) I'm glad to see there are so many machinima enthusiasts in SL. It always suprises me how many people have actually seen something Keith and I have worked on.

The downside to all this is: a lot of people get the impression that I'm just the tag-along. People I'm not just a purple avatar. I didn't buy a 'voice pack' - that's MY voice uploaded into SL combined with triggers. I don't live some fantasy in SL to be something I can't be in RL. SL is just my outlet. Its my forum. It is my way of being able to express myself without having to take quite so many risks.

I mean take a movie for instance. Do you have ANY idea how much it costs to make a movie?! In SL - it only costs a one time fee of $10 (unless you have a free account - but it costed Keith and I $10). Not everyone can run around in a laytex suit with purple hair and that be acceptable. I did have purple hair at one time, though. I'm getting off point. The point is: If you don't want to deal with me tell me. Don't think that I'm not just as much a part of things that get done with NSS as Keith is. Don't assume that just because I make fart jokes that I can't be taken seriously. And don't think that if you talk to him on a seperate occasion that I won't know about it. Also? Don't blow me off just because you do think I'm this little 'tag-along' ... and then instead speak to him. Nothing bothers me more than when I talk to someone about NSS and get absolutely no response or feedback .. then they IM Keith and I'm like "yeah I talked to them earlier. they aren't interested" yet change your tune. Oh I'm not good enough to do business with, but he is? That just downright hurts.

I tried to gather people while Keith was in basic training. Of course I've had access to his account since before he left .. but I never used it until then. People would just refuse to talk to me. So I'd log out and log in as him and they'd talk to me until I couldn't type anymore. I just don't understand that. See? Now I've gone off on a rant. And that doesn't feel like happy!

So beyond all that - I'm glad that people have liked our flick. I'm elated that so many have watched it and learned something from it - even experienced players. That's what this series was all about: helping. With the influx of new players its hard for anyone to keep up with who knows what and to actually give the attention to someone that really does need the help. Most games come with an instruction book. SL is different. It doesn't. So I'll just look at our Noob Be Gone series as the instructional book to SL :) Except our manuals are easier to read, and our diagrams are a bit more in depth than "Insert slot A into slot B".

I think that's it for now. I have to go to my glorious job in the morning. One day I'll grow up and not have to work so hard for so little. I still plan to be the crazy old lady with 50 million cats though. Hey, everyone has to have goals!

Yargh!

Alright so I worked today, as per almost every day. The new girl Megan was on break the same time I was, so I thought I'd hang out with her and get to know a little about her. I've already learned enough about everyone else there to know that I have nothing in common with them .. so I took a chance on her.

She was sitting out by the dumpster smoking while we were talking, and this 'short bus' of Air Force Personnel pulls up. No big deal, right? So she and I are talking and these two girls butt into our conversation. Both girls are cocky and have attitudes so I tell Megan "Hey I'm gonna head in." and as I turn around one of the girls says .. 'Yeah you'd better march your fat ass back inside."

Oh hell no she didn't.

So a few words were exchanged. I was in her face begging her to hit me when her commander came around the corner and told the two girls to back off. I said "You'd better get your bitches on a leash, Pimp." He laughed and I said something to the effect of "I think it would be best if the two of you marched your narrow asses back to your Military Short Bus before I seriously rip of your head and spit down your neck."

Alright so after work I came home. Stef (Xaria Concord) showed me some snapshots of some shoes .. that are stolen. Blah. Heart Wishbringer and Joe Stravinsky used to be THE shoe designers of SL. They closed shop about 6 months ago to cash out lindens and meet .. anyway ... someone has ripped a few of their shoes prim for prim - and even used the same textures. Its pathetic that people stoop to such lows.

Keith did some more editing on a project we're working on - and so far its pretty damn funny. Not dry humor funny - but random 'wtf' funny. I'm amused by it anyway, but at times that doesn't say much.

I really hate my job. I really hate how fate seems to put me through more trials than what's necessary ... I'm still just waiting for when everything will pay off. I realize I'm not the most patient person, but I've really been patient with everything for soooo long. I'm giving myself a pat on the back here.

I've really lost track of everything I was going to post ... maybe I'll remember later.

Alright so after getting everything together, I decided to post.

Keith (Bebop) and I are working on a few things in Second Life - and that's mostly what I did today. We recorded some audio to go with the video we've done, and he'll be editing it sometime or another.

He finished editing Jade Opel's wedding, and the video really blew me away. He really astounds me with his talent, and even makes me jealous at times. I think its just my self-esteem bottoming out because hey, who doesn't want to be talented?! Or at least good at something. The only thing I really excell at .. is dancing horribly. I'm the best!

I haven't done any kind of code writing in forever, so it was rough editing this layout to get it how I wanted it. It seems ready-made layouts are always so depressing or Goth and that's so not me. Well yes there are times I get kinda poopy and down in the dumps (haha what a pun!) but it isn't what I'm 'into' per se.

Some days it seems I don't feel as if I've gotten anything done. Even days that I work 10 hours I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I think I've just gotten into a bit of a rut and hopefully I can claw my way back out. I had a little rant yesterday with Keith - and I think its just because I had time to think. So I told him a story or two that he didn't know, which didn't really make me feel any better lol I think I just wanted to talk but I didn't know what to talk about. Surely I'm not the only person that's ever happened to. Or am I? >.>

I guess that's it. No real musings for the moment or anything like that. I'm quite disappointed with the blog music player as it really has no music that I listen to on a regular basis. But until I find a good replacement it'll have to do.

I had all kinds of things that I wanted to say - but after fixing up a layout I've forgotten a lot of it.

Oh well. Maybe later.