Memorial Day

Hit Play and listen while reading. Its me and Keith's "song" .. well the main one.

On with the blog entry:



Once upon a time Memorial Day, to me, was nothing but a free day off work and an excuse to drink beer and eat bar-b-q hot dogs and hamburgers. Memorial Day Weekend was a long awaited three day weekend. Up until the time I was probably 17 I didn't even know exactly what holiday Memorial Day was.

I grew up in a part of the US where there are three loves of everyone's life: God, your country, and guns. Even in such a small town (about 10 thousand people - the biggest town in the county) everyone has at least 2 people in their family who is in the military. There's not much to look forward to as far as 'growing up' where I came from. It isn't unusual for girls to start having babies at 15 and be married by 17. Having babies and getting married is all there is to look forward to in all honesty.

Strange that no one ever really told me what Memorial Day was. I wasn't even sure what a VFW Hall was - but I knew I saw it out by the highway. For all I knew it was another Eagle's club or whatever. As an adult I did finally learn what the holiday was about - but that didn't change anything. It was still a holiday to take a mini vacation somewhere, or just grill and have beer. Not this year. Not anymore.

I haven't conformed to the military. I'm not in the military, I'm just married to it - so why should I? I show up to the Air Force functions where the dress code is usually black dress/black heels wearing my bright colored loud clothing. I introduce myself without waiting for my husband to do it. I don't call the Colonels 'sir', instead opting to call them by name. I'm the opposite of every other military spouse I've ever known. I'm even dreading my hair this summer.

Today was different. I was asked by my squadron commander to participate in a Memorial Day celebration. I had assumed burgers and hot dogs because that's all anyone was talking about all week ... but I was wrong. She gave me a dress code sheet, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. It was being held at the base chapel, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. I showed up 15 minutes earlier than scheduled, and immediately had kinda wished I hadn't come.

Everyone was dressed the same - which basically means we all got the same sheet of paper. All the women there seemed to already know one another - so I just took a seat at the back and sat quietly, still unsure of what was going on. At first I thought maybe it was a church service of some kind - which made me panic a little because I don't know any church hymns ... but there was no chaplain.

The base commander took the podium and gave a speech about what Memorial Day means. He talked about how, as spouses of deployed soldiers, we should be the last ones to celebrate with beer and burgers. Immediately I thought "I'm home alone - you really think I'm gonna bar-b-q for myself, dude?" So the honor guard did their thing, there were a few speeches from base officials - then a group of women stood up and took the podium. What the hell was going on exactly? They each took turns talking about their husbands who unknown to me - had been killed in battle over the past two years.

Suddenly I was mad. I was mad at all the people at home cooking on the grill and drinking beer with their friends. I was upset that all those people having big backyard bar-b-q's were taking the wrong approach to Memorial Day. I was upset with myself for being so selfish in just being happy I had an extra day off work. These women were the embodiment of Memorial Day ... and I was some kind of spectator. Why did my squadron commander do this to me?

Why did she have me attend a lecture blindly .. and why did I show up?! It isn't as if I'm not having a hard enough time with Keith's deployment, but now I had to listen to these dead soldier's wives and for that hour I was filled with dread. What if that were me? No, it could never be me. Nothing will ever happen to Keith ... but as I was thinking that one of the wives said my every thought out loud ... and I hated her for it.

Three different times I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to hear any of this! For me its better to let bad things just linger as passing moments in the back of my mind - I don't want it to be force fed to me like this. I was angry, I was shocked, and most of all - I was suddenly scared. That could be me - and no matter how much I don't want it to be - suddenly it was a distinct possibility that it could be.

Okay I've rambled a lot and have gotten into far more emotion than I had set out to ... I just want to say this:

Memorial Day: for some it is just an excuse to take a trip. Lots of folks get together with friends to do the cook out thing ... and for some people it isn't any of those things. While you're out at the lake fishing, or having friends over to cook out, or if you've taken a road trip somewhere - just try to remember that this is a national holiday to remember soldiers. Maybe you don't know a single soldier or maybe you're against this whole war -- no matter how you look at it there are still people left behind. There are families left behind who don't take trips or bar-b-q with friends because not every holiday should be about boisterous celebration.

I miss Keith.