Memorial Day

Hit Play and listen while reading. Its me and Keith's "song" .. well the main one.

On with the blog entry:



Once upon a time Memorial Day, to me, was nothing but a free day off work and an excuse to drink beer and eat bar-b-q hot dogs and hamburgers. Memorial Day Weekend was a long awaited three day weekend. Up until the time I was probably 17 I didn't even know exactly what holiday Memorial Day was.

I grew up in a part of the US where there are three loves of everyone's life: God, your country, and guns. Even in such a small town (about 10 thousand people - the biggest town in the county) everyone has at least 2 people in their family who is in the military. There's not much to look forward to as far as 'growing up' where I came from. It isn't unusual for girls to start having babies at 15 and be married by 17. Having babies and getting married is all there is to look forward to in all honesty.

Strange that no one ever really told me what Memorial Day was. I wasn't even sure what a VFW Hall was - but I knew I saw it out by the highway. For all I knew it was another Eagle's club or whatever. As an adult I did finally learn what the holiday was about - but that didn't change anything. It was still a holiday to take a mini vacation somewhere, or just grill and have beer. Not this year. Not anymore.

I haven't conformed to the military. I'm not in the military, I'm just married to it - so why should I? I show up to the Air Force functions where the dress code is usually black dress/black heels wearing my bright colored loud clothing. I introduce myself without waiting for my husband to do it. I don't call the Colonels 'sir', instead opting to call them by name. I'm the opposite of every other military spouse I've ever known. I'm even dreading my hair this summer.

Today was different. I was asked by my squadron commander to participate in a Memorial Day celebration. I had assumed burgers and hot dogs because that's all anyone was talking about all week ... but I was wrong. She gave me a dress code sheet, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. It was being held at the base chapel, which made me curl up my nose - but I complied. I showed up 15 minutes earlier than scheduled, and immediately had kinda wished I hadn't come.

Everyone was dressed the same - which basically means we all got the same sheet of paper. All the women there seemed to already know one another - so I just took a seat at the back and sat quietly, still unsure of what was going on. At first I thought maybe it was a church service of some kind - which made me panic a little because I don't know any church hymns ... but there was no chaplain.

The base commander took the podium and gave a speech about what Memorial Day means. He talked about how, as spouses of deployed soldiers, we should be the last ones to celebrate with beer and burgers. Immediately I thought "I'm home alone - you really think I'm gonna bar-b-q for myself, dude?" So the honor guard did their thing, there were a few speeches from base officials - then a group of women stood up and took the podium. What the hell was going on exactly? They each took turns talking about their husbands who unknown to me - had been killed in battle over the past two years.

Suddenly I was mad. I was mad at all the people at home cooking on the grill and drinking beer with their friends. I was upset that all those people having big backyard bar-b-q's were taking the wrong approach to Memorial Day. I was upset with myself for being so selfish in just being happy I had an extra day off work. These women were the embodiment of Memorial Day ... and I was some kind of spectator. Why did my squadron commander do this to me?

Why did she have me attend a lecture blindly .. and why did I show up?! It isn't as if I'm not having a hard enough time with Keith's deployment, but now I had to listen to these dead soldier's wives and for that hour I was filled with dread. What if that were me? No, it could never be me. Nothing will ever happen to Keith ... but as I was thinking that one of the wives said my every thought out loud ... and I hated her for it.

Three different times I wanted to walk out. I didn't want to hear any of this! For me its better to let bad things just linger as passing moments in the back of my mind - I don't want it to be force fed to me like this. I was angry, I was shocked, and most of all - I was suddenly scared. That could be me - and no matter how much I don't want it to be - suddenly it was a distinct possibility that it could be.

Okay I've rambled a lot and have gotten into far more emotion than I had set out to ... I just want to say this:

Memorial Day: for some it is just an excuse to take a trip. Lots of folks get together with friends to do the cook out thing ... and for some people it isn't any of those things. While you're out at the lake fishing, or having friends over to cook out, or if you've taken a road trip somewhere - just try to remember that this is a national holiday to remember soldiers. Maybe you don't know a single soldier or maybe you're against this whole war -- no matter how you look at it there are still people left behind. There are families left behind who don't take trips or bar-b-q with friends because not every holiday should be about boisterous celebration.

I miss Keith.

Alllll Byyyyy Myyyy Seelllffffff

Ha you know you're totally singing that song now!

Anyway, the adjustments so far haven't been all THAT bad. At first I was really scared thinking "Oh man what am I going to do with myself without Keith" but I think I've coped quite well. I think it was more mental than anything - and I've finally realized that I'm not ALONE I'm just by MYSELF!

Its been really nice that he can call me every other day or so - even though we really don't have much to talk about. We more or less end up repeating everything we sent in an email that one of us hasn't gotten the chance to read yet LOL! Still its comforting hearing his voice, and hearing that he doesn't sound stressed or anything - just a little tired which is probably just from jet lag.

I dropped him off Wednesday (the 7th) but pulled out before the bus did. I was whining the night before "Pleaseeee don't make me watch the bus leave!" and by golly I didn't! No way. I sucked it up for the most part, and had a lot of reasons to.

#1 There were a lot of people on those two buses. I'm sure they JUST got done doing what we were doing and didn't need to be 'set off' by seeing me bawling

#2 The other couple of wives there were totally stone faced - and they were toting babies! If they can handle saying goodbye, I can too damn it!

#3 I had a oral surgery appointment within the hour and thought I should be focused on that


So I shed a few tears driving to my appointment - but the bitterness of saying goodbye to my husband for 5 months was overshadowed with the fact that I was about to have two wisdom teeth cut out of my mouth with nothing but a few shots. Local anesthetic only - because I had no escort.

I sat in the car for about 10 minutes psyching myself up. I reminded myself how much of an awesome badass I am, and walked in the door. They took me into the oral surgery hall right away where I sat in that stupid chair that makes weird squeaky noises that almost sound like farts. Now, at that moment I thought that I was only having one tooth removed because A) Its military - they only take care of what is necessary at that moment and B) no one told me otherwise. I was wrong. Both bottom wisdom teeth were coming out.

No problem. I'd handle it. So the Captain doing my surgery gives me about 3 shots in each hinge of my jaw and walks out to let it numb up. Her assistant then starts talking to me while she's setting up the tray "Wow I can't believe you aren't being put under. I mean .. -everyone- elects to be put under." Immediately I panic a bit thinking that I've made the wrong decision, but still psyched up from my self pep talk I say "Well I don't have an escort because I dropped my husband off about a half hour ago to go down range .. plus I have a pretty high pain tolerance." She just kinda stood there silently for a moment and said "Better you than me, sister!" Oh god what have I done?

About 10 minutes later the Captian comes back, and yes I'm numb. She puts the random 'keep your mouth open' instruments in my mouth and starts cutting on my gums with what feels like a primary school kid's safety scissors. It doesn't hurt - I can just tell that its scissors which grossed me out a bit. Even though I couldn't see anything - I could just imagine what it all looked like. She makes a statement about seeing the tooth and starts trying to pull it. The lady did everything but put a foot on my jaw while pulling on the tooth to no avail. She then tries to crack the tooth to take it out in sections, which doesn't work either. Then she says "Uh ... ma'am? We're going to have to remove some of the bone."

Of course I can't answer her or I would have said "BONE?! What bone? Remove it? HOW!" but before I get a full paniced thought out of my head I hear what sounds like a table saw. Oh fuck. She's going to use that in my mouth! So she starts sawing and telling me while sawing that the roots of the tooth are fused to my jaw bone so she has to saw around it. Now it starts hurting, but of course I'm pretty much just powerless. 15 minutes pass by and she's finally done sawing and moves to the left side.

The same thing happens: scissors, pulling, splitting attempt "We'll have to saw this side too. Your roots are actually bent outwards at the end like fish hooks" More pain, more dizzy feeling from the vibrations in my jaw. Finally its all over and she packs my face with gauze and sends me out the door.

Of course I got meds. Not enough, if you ask me. 10 Oxycodone didn't even scratch the surface. My face was swollen, my cheeks were swollen, I was bleeding, and my jaw was bruised. Yes, this was an awesome decision.

I had taken Wed, Thur, and Fri off work and went back to work on Monday. Monday I was still in a lot of pain but had already taken all my pain medication. Tuesday the pain had gotten a bit worse. What did it feel like? Well it felt as if a dentist was drilling on my teeth without waiting for the numbing agent to fully take effect.

I rang up the oral surgery department and said "I'm miserable and I'm out of medication. I expected to be in quite a bit of pain after a surgery like that, but its been nearly 7 days and I am in more pain NOW than I was hours after surgery." They got me in immediately.

Come to find out I had dry socket in both sides. The person who saw me was amazed that I had somehow not completely lost my fucking mind going through all that pain for almost 7 days. "High pain tolerance" was all I said. He put some clove tasting shit on what looked like a packing peanut, crammed it into the incision point and within 10 minutes all the pain was gone. He thinks that I've had dry socket since the day after surgery since they had to saw so deep into my jaw to remove those teeth.

Luckily I have no more wisdom teeth and I stand a very high liklihood of never having to go through any of that again. I'm really looking forward to my first full night of sleep in a week :)

I'd also like to thank Willow for offering support during Keith's deployment. Right now I have a few good weeks of activities planned out (there's a Bazaar this weekend and next weekend is the annual Beer Festival in Cambridge, and a week or so after that is Strawberry Faire!) but I'm sure at some point the 'novelty' of being by myself will wear off and I won't be able to fill a Saturday with an activity like I can for the next 4 weeks or so.

So I"m off to bed now ... I hope no one EVER has to experience all that dental bullshit. I seriously was wishing for a coma at one point!